All posts tagged IT

To Be You, or Not Be You?

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OK PersonaAPP, what would you suggest I become today?
Yes, this is the latest personality modification tool that anyone over 18 years of age can easily access from the App Store, for a remarkably reasonable fee.

So how does this rather spiffy technology work? Well, without boring you with all the rather complicated and quite technical details, let’s focus on how you can use it to your advantage in both your personal and corporate life.

Step 1:
Once downloaded, open the PersonaAPP on your mobile phone. Please tick the box stating that you agree, and fully understand the plethora of T&Cs regarding the unscrupulous behaviour that you are about to voluntarily undertake via the use of this technology. If you are worried about the potential consequences, relax, because all your friends are also deviously using it without any moralistic second thoughts!

Step 2:
Take an honest photograph of your face with all visual enhancements completely removed. This means no make-up, glasses or monocles. For best results, men (and some women) should have a shaven face. Those with false teeth, it doesn’t matter if you leave them in or out as the clever PersonaAPP does make some allowances.

Step 3:
The PersonaAPP will now require you to truthfully answer some pertinent questions regarding yourself, and your personal objectives for at least the next 3 hours. Why the 3 hour time period? Well, the Melbourne university researchers that developed PersonaAPP determined that an individual tends to change their outlook, and short term expectations on life in 3 hourly time blocks. That’s why paragraph 4.3.2 in the T&Cs recommends that the user refreshes their photograph every 3 hours as your appearance will most likely have changed, or become a bit scruffy.

In your confidential user profile section, you can record private information about your age, sex, sexual preference, height, weight, Myers-Briggs personality profile, whether you like soy milk chai lattes with honey, wearing kilts and eating kippers for breakfast. You will then be asked about how you want to be perceived by those that you interact with in the next 3 hours, if they will be predominately male or female, their approximate age,  and the meeting environment. Yes, authentic answers are required, otherwise the results will be skewed erroneously.

Step 4:
Now press the red Persona Modification button and immediately your calculated optimum profile will be shown on your phone. Your photograph will now be stylishly photo-shopped indicating how you should comb your hair, apply make-up, add/remove blemishes, the style and colour of the monocle or spectacles that truly complements your face, hair/wig colour and length, or which razor blade is best for total head shaving. A suggestion of clothing will also be provided with images so you can fully look the part. Yes, don’t worry, instructions are even included on how to tie a bow tie!

But wait, there is indeed more. Another brilliant feature of the PersonaAPP is the vocabulary and accent recommendation suggester where a collection of cunning, and particularly intriguing, words and phrases are provided for you to nonchalantly utilise during your meeting. However, a word of caution regarding the use of an accent, once you start using it, you need to have the confidence to maintain the facade for at least 3 hours, otherwise you may not be viewed as you intended.

Yes, with PersonaAPP you will obtain the ideal persona that you are searching for that will make you irresistibly appealing to those that you meet in the next 3 hour time period. Relax, because with PersonaAPP you can reset your personality for the following 3 hours, and for each hour, every day. Yes, you can be a chameleon for the rest of your life with PersonaAPP should you want to, as can all your acquaintances who may also be using it, so all your relationships could be happily false, but then again, who would know?

But, remember to make sure that your phone if fully charged, otherwise you will need to be the natural you, and who knows what might prevail in that situation?

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by Steven Cramer on November 1, 2017  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on November 1, 2017

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2017/11/01/to-be-you-or-not-be-you/

Should it be Short, or Long?

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There is a question that has been frustrating both women and men for years, that being, what is the perfect length? Should it be short, or long? After extensive academic research, it appears that the simple answer is, it depends entirely on how you feel at a particular point in time.

In 1926, the economist George Taylor at the Wharton School of Business developed the Hemline Index after he noticed a connection between economic prosperity and short skirts. The shorter the skirt, the higher the Index.

A soon to be world renowned Director of Thought Creation developed The Suit Trouser Length Creativity Index that purported a direct correlation with an individual’s innovation tendencies, that being, the greater the distance between the trouser cuff and their shoes, the higher the creativity.

Following years of Gaelic research, a lesser-known historian from Glasgow University found a similar link between kilt length and the courage exhibited by a Scotsman in battle. Apparently, the shorter the kilt, the greater number of thistle scratches which stimulated the wearer’s shouting and running ability.

Utilising all this extensive research, including many additional and worthy obscure publications, The House of Cloth is pleased to announce the AppCloth.

Yes, the AppCloth is now available for those discerning fashion wearers that want to match their daily creativity mood with their personal designer clothing selections. Through the use of a patented, and very clever biometric length analyser linked to the wearer’s iPhone, the AppCloth calculates how the individual is feeling. If the feedback signal received is a tad sluggish, well, this immediately indicates that the user may be experiencing a potentially low ideation day. To overcome this negativity, AppCloth would suggest that clothing be worn to stimulate the wearer’s innovation, that being a short skirt, short length trousers, or a mini-kilt.

Alternatively, if the AppCloth receives a signal that indicates an extreme state of hyperactivity, then a full-length clothing attire would be suggested to counteract potential severe embarrassment, just in case something a little too short be worn.

As with all new fashion disruptive innovative inventions, the individual does have the option to completely ignore any clothing recommendations, but please carefully read AppCloth’s short, twenty page, font 6, disclaimer, so you fully understand your rights as a consumer.

For more information on AppCloth, please go to the App Store, or your favourite and well trusted clothing department’s website.

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by Steven Cramer on October 15, 2017  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on October 15, 2017

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2017/10/15/should-it-be-short-or-long/

The Lazy Creative

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It can happen via a deliberate wrist glance, a nonchalant button press, or the frequent refreshing of a specifically purchased iPhone App. You have all observed it in action. Yes, it’s the now quite common hourly habit of the corporate office FITBIT wearer as they compete with their fellow fanatical walkers for the esteemed victor of the Workweek Hustle.

But in a recent study, at a soon to be prestigious Australian Institute of Sport, a rather unusual finding has been discovered that has found a direct correlation with a person’s aptitude for innovation, and their FITBIT daily step count. Contrary to what you may think, the lower the FITBIT number, the higher the innovation intellect.

The majority of the corporate office population view those in their working ranks with a very Low FITBIT Step Count (LFSC) as being rather lazy. However, the study results found this to be remarkably furthest from the truth.

Those of your colleagues with a LFSC typically commenced their innovation training early in their youth as a teenager. A visual clue to their future LFSC creative talent would be their clothes, towels and food plates being strategically placed on the floor in their bedrooms. As the days of litter and odour progressed unhindered, a frustrated parent would finally succumb to the mess and tidy their room, with no stepping activity required at all from the clever child.

For teenagers that mastered this skill, their LFSC innovative prowess continued into their working life where the role of the parent was replaced by a fellow work colleague. Here they would sit comfortably at their desk, with their ears and eyes seeking out a potential parental worker surrogate to ensure that their need for physical exertion was significantly minimized. If you are not familiar with their innovative FITBIT step reduction techniques, take note of the following behavioural clues:

  1. The Coffee Run: They will hear the murmurings of colleagues thinking of making a dash to the nearest café for a coffee. Using their creative talent, they will feign extreme busyness and will ask you to get them a coffee on their behalf. If they are masterly at their LFSC craft, you will also be paying for them, with no hope or expectation of a reciprocal arrangement.
  1. The Carpark: In the office carpark, the innovative LFSC colleague will park in the closest position next to the elevator thereby ensuring the least number of walking steps. Some may even place a “Reserved” sign to guarantee this requirement.
  1. The Video Conference: Rather than having to walk to a meeting, the LFSC colleague will cunningly schedule a video conference, even if the colleagues invited sit only a few desks away.

So next time you have a FITBIT Workweek Hustle and you power your way on a daily basis to stepping superiority, may I suggest that you have a look at the work colleague that always comes last. Yes, they are the truly innovative people in your corporate office as it takes creative ingenuity to be that lazy!

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by Steven Cramer on November 20, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on November 20, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/11/20/the-lazy-creative/

The Tasteful Application of the iChup™

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A soon to be conducted research study by a famous, yet remarkably unpretentious University located near Oxford, has yielded a highly plausible theory regarding the primary catalyst that supports a truly innovative mind.

The theory examined the resources used by the leading creative thinkers prevalent in the 1940s with those commonly found today, and the results were indisputable.

The majority of the great thinkers of the 1940s relied on a common, and most readily available thinking tool that transcribed their thoughts onto paper for private contemplation, mass distribution, and eventual critique amongst their peers. This tool was highly malleable and could be customised to the palate of the holder following long thoughtful periods of mastication. The tool was typically made from wood, with a pointed graphite core that blunted with continual use. Its name was the pencil.

However, with the advent of the computer, the role of the pencil slowly disappeared from the hand of the thinking person and was surreptitiously replaced with the keyboard, and the mouse.

The researchers, from that University located near Oxford, spent many hours studying the chewing habits of a small, yet highly representative sample of computer users (about three actually). Those observed, were found to exhibit no visible characteristics of creativity, but more importantly, not one of them placed any IT implement in their mouth. Besides shouting the letters Q.E.D. (quod erat demonstrandum) quite loudly following this remarkable observation, they smugly realised that they had indeed discovered the true supportive tool for innovation.

Yes, there is a direct correlation between those with a creative mind, and those that thoughtfully chew a pencil.

A few years later, a Research Scientist at Apple just happened to read the findings of this chewing link to innovation and a strategic project was immediately funded. Following the expenditure of many millions of dollars, the consumption of endless cups of soy-milk chai lattes with honey, the iChup™ was finally invented, even more quickly commercialised, and can now be seen in the mouths of many innovative computer users today.

As the name suggests, the iChup™ does have the appearance of a Chupa Chup, and the method of operation is indeed via mouth placement, but that is as far as the similarly goes as the iChup™ has many more mind pleasing features.

Feature 1: Bluetooth Connectivity
The iChup™ has a small surface sensor that measures the tension applied by your teeth as the device is gleefully moved around your mouth thereby ensuring minimal dental damage. The measurement output can be linked via Bluetooth to your computer, or your mobile phone utilising the iChup™ App.

Feature 2: Stress Relaxation
For those thinkers that are stressed, the iChup™ has been designed for under tongue placement. Once in position, the iChup™ has a range of vibration settings that can be selected by the user to obtain maximum stress relaxation.

Feature 3: Taste
The iChup™’s hollow centre has been designed to accommodate a variety of tasteful liquids that are pleasantly discharged over an 8 hour workday. A range of flavours can be purchased, the more popular ones being mint, cola, honey, and for those that like the taste of pencils, there is even a special wooden one.

The iChup™ has been a real success for Apple and one that reinforces that old saying; “Don’t Forget the Past. Learn from It”.

And yes, I still like to use a pencil, still have the taste for it, and find that many creative thoughts quickly appear when applied to paper.

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by Steven Cramer on October 20, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on October 20, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/10/20/the-tasteful-application-of-the-ichup/

The Eyes of Electronic Stimulation

eyes

The E-mail designated “High Priority” in large red font from the HSE Director arrived in my Inbox at exactly 5 PM. It advised all employees that tomorrow was going to be an “Electronic Free Day”. I, and my fellow work colleagues, read the following safety directive as stipulated with keen interest.

Attention All Staff,

Owing to a dramatic increase in the number of deteriorating eyesight complaints derived from employee’s continually using work computers, iPhones, iPads and other electronic visual stimulators, we have been advised by our insurance underwriters that we have now reached the maximum number of optical claims allowed for this year.

As such, we have decided to mitigate this corporate eyeball risk by announcing that every Wednesday will now be deemed an “Electronic Free Day” (EFD), commencing tomorrow.

The IT department has been advised to implement an unconditional electricity supply freeze on all computer assets which will be effective between the hours of 8 AM to 5 PM.

When arriving at work, please place all personal smartphone devices, tablets, kindles, and other such like into the nominated collection baskets as advised by the Safety Wardens. Any refusal will result in immediate dismissal.

At your workstation, each employee will be greeted with a pen (complete with ink), writing paper (devoid of any words) that are to be used to capture any creative thoughts that may be generated during the work day. For those staff that may have forgotten how to use these work implements, a special tutorial has been scheduled in the auditorium at 9 AM.

On your desk, you will also find a personalised information sheet that provides some suggested finger exercises to ensure that no repetitive strain injuries (RSI) occur, please take a moment to familiarise yourself with the movements.

We value your eye safety, particularly as it will reduce our insurance premiums.

The management team thanks you for your understanding and optical conformance, so together, our business future will be visually bright.

Regards

HSE Director

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by Steven Cramer on February 13, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 13, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/02/13/eye-protection-policy/

Using Thought-Mail

(Too much) Thinking

I don’t know how people coped in 2015! It must have been so tedious having to write E-mails, talk on that massive heavy communicator (and they called it a “mobile phone”, I mean really!), and use that archaic and primitive “thing” called the Internet! Thank god I was born in 2064 and am a “Generation SC64er”.

I put my history book down and decided to get back to work.

The first thing I needed to do was to send a “Thought-Mail” to my work team. I’d been putting it off for ages, but I had finally worked out my “thinking” on the business strategy and now needed their input and feedback. I “mentally” turned on the “thought reader” and inserted it in my ear and then “thought” about what I wanted to say to my team. This only took a couple of microseconds as I’m quite a fast thinker. I then “listened” to the play-back draft of the message in my mind, made a couple of corrections, and then visualised the names in my work team and allowed my “Thought-Mail” to be sent. Immediately, everyone in my team received my thoughts.

Not all of them replied immediately though. That was OK, as I assumed that some of them would be “thinking” about other things. I knew that my “thought” would sit in their memory and would be “read” when they had some available thinking time in their work day. I could have classified the “Thought-Mail” as urgent as that would have forced them to think about it straight away, but it wasn’t that important, a response tomorrow would be just fine.

A couple of seconds later I started to “feel the replies” coming into my mind from two of the people in my team. I thought about their comments and agreed with their reasoning. Thankfully all those team members that hadn’t yet responded, also received these replied “thought updates”, so they would have all the updated thinking which would assist them in making their own thoughtful responses.

Well, that took 30 seconds. I now moved onto my next task and again started “thinking” and the process was in motion.

Author note: I wish I was born in 2064, don’t you?

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by Steven Cramer on February 7, 2015  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 7, 2015

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2015/02/07/using-thought-mail/

Office Stress Elimination

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There is a dark room in the corporate office that is buried deep down in the depths of the building foundations. In this room sits a quiet unassuming gentle natured woman who has a perpetual smile continually permeating from her face.

Her body is an illuminated random visual blur of different coloured lights that are reflecting the constantly changing computer screen displays that cover every inch of her office walls. Her eyes dart from each computer screen on the look out for that bright red warning light to flash indicating that she needs to move into the appropriate corrective action routine that is stipulated for her to follow when prompted.

So what exactly does she do? Well, let me enlighten you.

Did you know that underneath each of your computer keyboards in the corporate office there is a microscopic sensor? This sensor has been finely calibrated to measure the finger force that you apply when using your computer. When you are stressed, or agitated, the sensor measures the corresponding minute change in your finger pressure from your usual benchmark ‘non-stressed value’ that has been determined over many hours of computer typing activity.

For those of you that are a tad stressed for a long duration whilst residing at your computer, this triggers a red flashing warning light on the woman’s console.

I will now explain this woman’s role in the corporate office. She is the Senior Director of Stress Elimination and reports directly to the Vice President of HR.

The flashing red light now prompts the well established smile on her face to quickly widen as she prepares the required corrective action to alleviate the user stress now identified on her computer console. She is now in her element and initiates all her years of stress reduction training.

She now types in the secretive stress reduction codes into her computer. Once the ‘enter’ key has been hit, a chain reaction of electrical interference is now implemented.

The stressed person sitting at their computer will suddenly be plunged into an eery silence . All the phones and computers of their surrounding work colleagues will be immediately shutdown. However, their computer will continue to operate without any hindrance. The stressed worker will now hear a loud flurry of annoyed and angry colleagues sitting next to them and they will consider that they are quite lucky in that they can still work without any interruption! Their sense of stress will now change to a feeling happiness!

I can now hear you ask about how the Senior Director of Stress Elimination now handles the commotion that she has now generated? Well, the answer is quite simple, she has a coffee break and leaves it to the corporate IT Help Desk to sort out!

Fifteen minutes later, when everything has now settled down, she returns quietly to her desk and awaits for her next stress relieving opportunity to assist a fellow work colleague….

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by Steven Cramer on April 1, 2014  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on April 1, 2014

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2014/04/01/office-stress-elimination/

The “Doer People”

How the office will look like - North Angle

On the first day with any new organisation you are provided with an obligatory induction tour of the office building that highlights all the important items such as; the location of fire exits, bathrooms, canteen, photocopier and where to park your car.

This is good……but, I’m of the view that these tours omit one of the most important and practical aspects of the building that you need to quickly know to do your new job efficiently and productively……that of the “doer people”.

So who and what are “doer people”? These are people in the organisation that have been identified unofficially by their peers as the person you should ask when you need to quickly get something done “outside” the official corporate policy. For example:

“The IT Doer Person”
Should you encounter a problem with your computer, the official work procedure is to call your Help Desk. However, if you don’t have hours of spare time to sit on hold listening to some uninspiring feeble music, or a repeating corporate message before you are eventually told to turn your computer off and then restart it, you would alternatively approach your “The IT Doer Person. This person thrives on fixing computer related problems, are typically named Boris and will fix the problem through some unfathomable means that you will never have a hope in understanding, but who cares as it takes them only a few minutes and you will then be back to work!

“The Photocopier Fixer Doer Person”
You have all experienced the dreaded “beep” noise on the photocopier when you are in a hurry to print an important document. You could quickly solve the problem if you had a Masters Degree in Electrical Engineering, but you don’t and those who do have this qualification normally run in the opposite direction on hearing the “beep” so not to be disturbed. The solution is to quickly seek advice from your friendly “Photocopier Fixer Doer Person” who thrives on solving these electronic print problems with the same degree of enthusiasm as that famous Belgian detective Poirot solves many an English murder!

“The Coffee Connoisseur Doer Person”
You could partake of the instant coffee in the office canteen if your taste buds are nonexistent, or, you could seek out “The Coffee Connoisseur Doer Person”. This person typically has a thick black book containing many coffee stained pages listing all the best coffee shops in a short walking distance from the office. These people have a privileged position in the office and are at times of caffeine lack more respected than the CEO.

I’m sure that you can list numerous other strategic “doer persons” that could complement the above three “doers”.

These people are a rare and uniquely talented individual and one that should be a compulsory inclusion in any induction tour!

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by Steven Cramer on July 18, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on July 18, 2013

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2013/07/18/the-doer-people/

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