Should it be Short, or Long?

1900-50_skirt_lengths-742737

There is a question that has been frustrating both women and men for years, that being, what is the perfect length? Should it be short, or long? After extensive academic research, it appears that the simple answer is, it depends entirely on how you feel at a particular point in time.

In 1926, the economist George Taylor at the Wharton School of Business developed the Hemline Index after he noticed a connection between economic prosperity and short skirts. The shorter the skirt, the higher the Index.

A soon to be world renowned Director of Thought Creation developed The Suit Trouser Length Creativity Index that purported a direct correlation with an individual’s innovation tendencies, that being, the greater the distance between the trouser cuff and their shoes, the higher the creativity.

Following years of Gaelic research, a lesser-known historian from Glasgow University found a similar link between kilt length and the courage exhibited by a Scotsman in battle. Apparently, the shorter the kilt, the greater number of thistle scratches which stimulated the wearer’s shouting and running ability.

Utilising all this extensive research, including many additional and worthy obscure publications, The House of Cloth is pleased to announce the AppCloth.

Yes, the AppCloth is now available for those discerning fashion wearers that want to match their daily creativity mood with their personal designer clothing selections. Through the use of a patented, and very clever biometric length analyser linked to the wearer’s iPhone, the AppCloth calculates how the individual is feeling. If the feedback signal received is a tad sluggish, well, this immediately indicates that the user may be experiencing a potentially low ideation day. To overcome this negativity, AppCloth would suggest that clothing be worn to stimulate the wearer’s innovation, that being a short skirt, short length trousers, or a mini-kilt.

Alternatively, if the AppCloth receives a signal that indicates an extreme state of hyperactivity, then a full-length clothing attire would be suggested to counteract potential severe embarrassment, just in case something a little too short be worn.

As with all new fashion disruptive innovative inventions, the individual does have the option to completely ignore any clothing recommendations, but please carefully read AppCloth’s short, twenty page, font 6, disclaimer, so you fully understand your rights as a consumer.

For more information on AppCloth, please go to the App Store, or your favourite and well trusted clothing department’s website.

For innovative slumber, think CollaborApp™

sleep Z

In the Technology section of the 1 April edition of the New York Times, Apple has announced the release of CollaborApp™, which is a radically new, and reportedly disruptive concept in business innovation.

Key to CollaborApp™ is the use of an artificial intelligence Bot called “Cogitaire” which surreptitiously tempts, and masterly teases the user into freeing their thoughts and ideas through voluntary thought extraction and cogitation whilst they are happily asleep. Yes, sleeping!

According to an Apple spokesperson, the idea for CollaborApp™ came from the online collaboration process where ideas are shared, and enhanced from different employees across the organization, all with a range of diverse backgrounds and personal experiences. However, with CollaborApp™, the collaboration is not done whilst the user is awake where they are subject to various competing time pressures, and other work commitment distractions. No, this App needs the user to be in a blissful state of slumber in order to be most effective.

CollaborApp™ works via the following process:

  1. Prior to employees going to sleep, they initiate the CollaborApp™ setting on their iPhone and place their earphones comfortably within their ears.
  2. Once asleep, the business problem to be solved is then presented to the employee via the Cogitaire Bot, who then unassumingly stimulates the users mental thought processes. By the way, in case you are wondering, Cognitaire’s persona morphs into whatever character imagined by the user in order to get the optimum thought creativity initiated. Cognitaire is also proficient in all known languages, even the most obscure ones.
  3. Whilst the user is blissfully sleeping, Cogitaire continually collates and shares all the updated idea solutions generated across the many users participating that night to ensure a passively robust analysis of the problem.
  4. In the morning, when the user awakes, an impressive infographic is presented that encapsulates all the innovative thought process developed by the vast employee collective.

Yes, the process sounds quite simple, and accordingly to Apple, it is very effective in generating a range of creative solutions with a much higher innovation calibre typically achieved via traditional collaboration techniques.

Now there is a cautionary paragraph found within the fine print in the Apple CollaborApp™ media release. It advises spouses, partners and others involved romantically, or those that are just curious, not to use the App for reasons Apple state are most obvious, as some things are best left unknown.

The Tasteful Application of the iChup™

chupachuppencil-1

A soon to be conducted research study by a famous, yet remarkably unpretentious University located near Oxford, has yielded a highly plausible theory regarding the primary catalyst that supports a truly innovative mind.

The theory examined the resources used by the leading creative thinkers prevalent in the 1940s with those commonly found today, and the results were indisputable.

The majority of the great thinkers of the 1940s relied on a common, and most readily available thinking tool that transcribed their thoughts onto paper for private contemplation, mass distribution, and eventual critique amongst their peers. This tool was highly malleable and could be customised to the palate of the holder following long thoughtful periods of mastication. The tool was typically made from wood, with a pointed graphite core that blunted with continual use. Its name was the pencil.

However, with the advent of the computer, the role of the pencil slowly disappeared from the hand of the thinking person and was surreptitiously replaced with the keyboard, and the mouse.

The researchers, from that University located near Oxford, spent many hours studying the chewing habits of a small, yet highly representative sample of computer users (about three actually). Those observed, were found to exhibit no visible characteristics of creativity, but more importantly, not one of them placed any IT implement in their mouth. Besides shouting the letters Q.E.D. (quod erat demonstrandum) quite loudly following this remarkable observation, they smugly realised that they had indeed discovered the true supportive tool for innovation.

Yes, there is a direct correlation between those with a creative mind, and those that thoughtfully chew a pencil.

A few years later, a Research Scientist at Apple just happened to read the findings of this chewing link to innovation and a strategic project was immediately funded. Following the expenditure of many millions of dollars, the consumption of endless cups of soy-milk chai lattes with honey, the iChup™ was finally invented, even more quickly commercialised, and can now be seen in the mouths of many innovative computer users today.

As the name suggests, the iChup™ does have the appearance of a Chupa Chup, and the method of operation is indeed via mouth placement, but that is as far as the similarly goes as the iChup™ has many more mind pleasing features.

Feature 1: Bluetooth Connectivity
The iChup™ has a small surface sensor that measures the tension applied by your teeth as the device is gleefully moved around your mouth thereby ensuring minimal dental damage. The measurement output can be linked via Bluetooth to your computer, or your mobile phone utilising the iChup™ App.

Feature 2: Stress Relaxation
For those thinkers that are stressed, the iChup™ has been designed for under tongue placement. Once in position, the iChup™ has a range of vibration settings that can be selected by the user to obtain maximum stress relaxation.

Feature 3: Taste
The iChup™’s hollow centre has been designed to accommodate a variety of tasteful liquids that are pleasantly discharged over an 8 hour workday. A range of flavours can be purchased, the more popular ones being mint, cola, honey, and for those that like the taste of pencils, there is even a special wooden one.

The iChup™ has been a real success for Apple and one that reinforces that old saying; “Don’t Forget the Past. Learn from It”.

And yes, I still like to use a pencil, still have the taste for it, and find that many creative thoughts quickly appear when applied to paper.

The Ageless Solution

Beauty portrait of young woman holding hour glass sand timer, ag

I had to read the headline twice, but there it was in large bold font on page one in the United Nations Bulletin of Medicine.

“THE EFFECTS OF AGEING, SOLVED”.

Now, who could pass up reading that article? So, I carefully placed my well-worn pince-nez glasses on my ever-increasing sun Australian freckled nose and strained to read the words with an ever expectant, and most hopeful personal self-preservation interest.

After a few minutes, I had finished reading it and thoughtfully leaned back in my well-worn comfy leather chair and placed my cupped hands on the back of my bald head to fully comprehend the intriguing solution presented. Yes, it all made perfect sense, and I, like all the other mature aged readers of this article, quickly went to the Apple App Store and downloaded the answer.

What’s so special about this article you may ask? The article explains that “AGE”, is really an acronym for the “Accumulated Gravitational Effects” on the human body.

Accumulated:
As the years pass, the human brain accumulates an ever-increasing amount of useless and redundant information. Those thoughts that are deemed particularly useful to our survival remain permanently lodged deep within the nodes of the brain; those that aren’t, are quickly and effortlessly removed. With time, these discarded thoughts permeate to certain parts of the body that humans typically associate with getting old. For instance, in men, the classic depositories for wasteful thoughts are in the ear lobes, nose, chin and stomach, all of which seem to gradually elongate, droop or expand. In women, similar elongations occur in other parts of the body which some may try and alleviate via various medical procedures involving reduction, lifting, or tucks.

Gravitational Effects:
Put simply, this is body sag! Need I say anymore?

So what’s this App that you can download from the Apple Store? Well, it’s an “anti-AGE” App that requires you to reverse the polarity of the battery in your iPhone in order to use it. Once installed, you place your earplugs gently into your ageing ear canals and the App automatically initiates the process of unwanted thought purgification. The experience is quite painless, the only sensation being a tingling in your saggy body bits as they slowly change back to their youthful appearance.

So next time you visit your grandparents in the Aged Care Facility and you see them all pretending to listen to music on their iPhones, maybe check the polarity of the battery as I’m sure they all tuned in to the “anti-AGE” App! If so, in a couple of months, maybe bring a photograph with you of when they were twenty years younger as you may not recognise the new youthful them!

It’s all in Your Ears!

busy Buchanan Street

Hello, yes, I’m here right next to you! If you actually paid attention to those around you, you might actually see me! Yes, I’m still here, so STOP walking into me!

I lost count of the number of times I had to say this as I walked around the Sydney CBD the other day. The culprits were a mix of women, men, children, young and old. The cause I believe was all due to having iPhone earplugs inserted deep into their ear canals so that they were all happily sojourning in their own audibly cocooned world. Now I need to fess-up here, as I am also one of these earplug scoundrels.

Now this got me thinking. How can these iPhone people collisions be avoided? After all, this is not just a problem isolated to those walking in the city, but also to wearers of earplugs in the corporate office, in the car, and on all other forms of transport involving the movement of iPhone accessorised ears.

Now let’s get back to the basics in nature, and let us consider that humble sonar equipped flying bat, also the water immersed dolphin. Simplistically, the origin of their crash avoidance success is in the use of the “ping” which measures distances via sound wave reflection. I’m sure that if an iPhone earplug was customised for bat and/or dolphin use, these poor creatures would become quite distressed and may lose all sense of their directional dignity and quickly succumb to navigational mayhem, just like us inflicted humans.

But that “ping” might just be the answer? Why not incorporate a basic sonar device into the humble iPhone? That way, the iPhone could measure person proximity and sound a warning alert when two iPhones are getting a tad too close for comfort. On thinking further, this proximity measure could also have “personalised settings” which could include distance, or some other more “creative” requirements, such as:

Tailored Ping Tags
Individuals could establish a tailored ping that tags their personality (eg their star sign, food preferences, appearance prowess, marital status, sexuality, religion, etc). When their iPhone identifies a suitable ping tagged person near them, a distinctive ping tone is heard in the ear plug alerting the owner of the potential person interaction?

Crowd Numbers
When there are a large number of people in a specific area, the result would be a high frequency of pings thereby warning the iPhone owner of the looming crowd. This would be a perfect application for those looking for a quiet location for some thinking solitude, or in selecting a restaurant for a romantic gourmet evening with a loved one, or future loved one!

You may be thinking, “What about those people who are walking around without an iPhone earplug shoved in their ears? How will this innovative crash avoidance system work for them?”

Yes, great question! One solution could be for these people to wear a “ping beacon” which could be strapped to their head, hair, clothes or potentially designed into a fashion accessory, or even moulded into a discrete tooth filling. Should that be too intrusive, then why not have a credit card with a “ping chip” that could be placed in their wallet or carried around in a pocket?

The key with this solution is to think just that little bit differently, and to turn what seems like a tricky problem at first reading into something that might just be useful in the future!

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