The Ageless Solution

Beauty portrait of young woman holding hour glass sand timer, ag

I had to read the headline twice, but there it was in large bold font on page one in the United Nations Bulletin of Medicine.

“THE EFFECTS OF AGEING, SOLVED”.

Now, who could pass up reading that article? So, I carefully placed my well-worn pince-nez glasses on my ever-increasing sun Australian freckled nose and strained to read the words with an ever expectant, and most hopeful personal self-preservation interest.

After a few minutes, I had finished reading it and thoughtfully leaned back in my well-worn comfy leather chair and placed my cupped hands on the back of my bald head to fully comprehend the intriguing solution presented. Yes, it all made perfect sense, and I, like all the other mature aged readers of this article, quickly went to the Apple App Store and downloaded the answer.

What’s so special about this article you may ask? The article explains that “AGE”, is really an acronym for the “Accumulated Gravitational Effects” on the human body.

Accumulated:
As the years pass, the human brain accumulates an ever-increasing amount of useless and redundant information. Those thoughts that are deemed particularly useful to our survival remain permanently lodged deep within the nodes of the brain; those that aren’t, are quickly and effortlessly removed. With time, these discarded thoughts permeate to certain parts of the body that humans typically associate with getting old. For instance, in men, the classic depositories for wasteful thoughts are in the ear lobes, nose, chin and stomach, all of which seem to gradually elongate, droop or expand. In women, similar elongations occur in other parts of the body which some may try and alleviate via various medical procedures involving reduction, lifting, or tucks.

Gravitational Effects:
Put simply, this is body sag! Need I say anymore?

So what’s this App that you can download from the Apple Store? Well, it’s an “anti-AGE” App that requires you to reverse the polarity of the battery in your iPhone in order to use it. Once installed, you place your earplugs gently into your ageing ear canals and the App automatically initiates the process of unwanted thought purgification. The experience is quite painless, the only sensation being a tingling in your saggy body bits as they slowly change back to their youthful appearance.

So next time you visit your grandparents in the Aged Care Facility and you see them all pretending to listen to music on their iPhones, maybe check the polarity of the battery as I’m sure they all tuned in to the “anti-AGE” App! If so, in a couple of months, maybe bring a photograph with you of when they were twenty years younger as you may not recognise the new youthful them!

When a Building Thinks

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According to the erection date chiselled into my cornerstone, I’m a middle aged corporate building as measured by employee years. However, as all the other offices around me keep telling me, with age, comes experience, and I have seen it all.

My occupants come and go, make noise during the daylight hours, but thankfully they let me rest during the night which allows me time to recuperate and get my office back in order with the assistance of what they call “cleaners”.

Like all thinking entities, as I get older, I do start to lose a few fibres from my carpets, the walls and fixtures take on a slightly more shabby look, and there is the occasional random odour from the basement, but a regular make-over seems to do the trick which helps me look decades younger. The key to my youthful appearance is in having a well defined, and rigid inspection regime, where a realm of specialist tradespeople annually check me over and make sure my inners are operating efficiently. If not, a non-working item is quickly identified, rooted out and professionally replaced with something more modern. Any discomfort, or embarrassment that I may experience during this operation as my private rooms are exposed to all observers, is quickly forgotten when I consider the longer-term benefits.

As I’m more “buildingly” mature, I also have the ability to be the master of my occupant destiny, a trait many younger buildings can only aspire to, and one that I’m regularly quizzed about. For those of you that have read my many interviews in the Harvard Building Review (HBR), I won’t repeat the details here so as not to sound too pompous, nor repetitive. But for those that haven’t, the key is in using your inherent building skills to manipulate those within you. For example, should I experience an internal people upset that needs to be purged, I evoke my fire sprinkler system to remedy and dampen down the origin of the disturbance. Another option is to deliberately rest a people section of my building structure by strategically removing the power supply from the offending area. For those occasions that need a rapid solution, nothings beats the immediacy of a broken sewer pipe or gas leak which seems to work every time! But as a word of caution, don’t use this last one too often, otherwise you may find yourself being served with an official building condemnation notice which can cut short your life expectancy quite quickly.

Like all buildings, there will come a time when I’m no longer appreciated and I will be asked to make way for something an architect deems younger, more fashionable and environmentally friendlier. No, I’m not perturbed, because I know that I will be reincarnated once again into yet another building as my structural DNA is recycled and used as foundation rubble fill, thereby continuing my thought, and influence, in the corporate office.

 

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