Neck Attire, Post COVID-19

Errol Flyn

That gleeful time is fast approaching when we will all be allowed to return to the corporate office, albeit subject to the ongoing COVID-19 rules of social distancing. However, I for one, will be pleased to look my fellow co-workers directly in their computer weary eyes, rather than via an impersonal electronic screen. I am so over the repetitive hourly ritual of video conference calls!

Yes, for the past couple of months, we have all been judiciously working from home, but it’s now time to joyfully open up your clothes wardrobe and to rediscover your forgotten corporate business attire. Do you remember those crisply ironed business shirts, ties, suits, cuff-links and polished leather shoes?

But let’s reflect on your appearance, one that I suspect has slowly morphed from that of a snappy, fashionable, stylish dresser, to that of a casual, rather haphazard, creature of home comfort. It is also likely that the concept of enclosing your unhindered neck with a business tie is furthest from your current Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, in fact, you may have forgotten that well-practiced past art of manoeuvring the slender sewn fabric into a knot that miraculously resembled the legendary half, or full Windsor.

However, relax, as a fashionable alternative to the business tie is available to those that are authentic seekers of true neck freedom that accommodates the continued yearning for casualness following weeks of home incarceration.

The answer is the cravat.

This clever piece of clothing is ready and willing to fill the void on any business shirt wearer’s neck, be they male, or female. Besides looking decidedly eye-catching to any sophisticated observer, the cravat can be loosely tied, thereby giving the wearer that wanted feeling of lasting comfort.

The cravat has been in existence since the 16th century, and will undoubtedly continue for many more, which is not surprising considering its remarkable ability to complement the attire of any astute wearer.

So, as you prepare for your return to the corporate office, quickly go online, or into any clothing store of good repute, and purchase at least one cravat, and with time, you will quickly be a convert, and one that is deemed by your fellow workers to have impeccable fashion taste.

Overcoming The Law of Pudgification

Punch cartoon: Circumference - fat man at a tailor's shop

The Law of Pudgification states, that for every food excess consumed by the eater, regardless of how many attempts are made to lose the weight from your corporately embellished stomach, the consumer’s physical body form will never completely return back to its previous slim state. The extent of this stomach deviation is called the “Residual Pudge”.

Now for those of you that have reluctantly bitten off more than you can chew over the holiday festivities, you may be experiencing the unwanted influence of this Law. If that is you, a word of advice for your planned first day of work return, that being, don’t try and wear your normal business attire because you are doomed to experience massive wardrobe failure. Yes, buttons will pop, zippers will bulge, and fabric seams will be tested to their extreme limit. The unavoidable result will be catastrophic clothing malfunction combined with severe personal embarrassment.

As you nervously approach this first day back in the office, you do have at least three options to carefully ponder:

Option 1: Fast continually for a week and hope that the “Residual Pudge” quickly alleviates. But let’s be realistic, this is never going to happen!

Option 2: Defer your scheduled first day back in the office by at least a month so your voluminous body has an opportunity to naturally deflate.

Option 3: Purchase an “Expando-Suit”.

Yes, for those of you that can’t accommodate Options 1 and 2, Option 3 is an efficient route to pudgification ownership correction.

What? You haven’t heard of the “Expando-Suit”? Well, it has successfully encapsulated the exterior of numerous well-fed corporate individuals for many a decade. No, it is not advertised, but is readily available via word of a full mouth from those that are in corresponding need of depudgification.

The “Expando-Suit” looks like any fashionable business suit so the innocent onlooker would never be the wiser. It can be purchased in a variety of the latest stylish trends, or for those more conservative, in solid grey, blue or black colours (perfect for any lawyers or politicians that may be reading who have partaken of one piece of plum pudding too many), and meticulously meets the clothing needs of both the corporate woman or man. But it has one unique point of difference, that being the fabric that happily stretches around any over pudgified body part with minimal visual cling. Yes, the wearer will look fashionably suave and sophisticated and not like a plastic cling-wrapped piece of produce.

However, a word of caution. The “Expando-Suit” will feel so comfortable to wear that you may forget the reason why you purchased one in the first place. Yes, you need to lose pudge. To assist in this endeavour, the cotton used in the fabric seams (patent pending) will disintegrate in exactly four weeks of continual office wear. So, in order to avoid breaking any HR laws of personal exposure in your office, you have been officially warned!

Yes, the “Expando-Suit” is indeed an option, but let’s be honest with ourselves, the preferred choice when eating is to be conscious of The Law of Pudgification and to minimise any potential side effects that may be looming from overindulgence.

Grey is Great

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For many a year now, many a woman, and some men, have deliberately disguised their prominent locks of grey with a variety of colours considered by society to be more youthful. These hairs may be located on their head, or on other parts of the body that are deemed public, or carefully concealed from a potentially judgemental view.

But for all those that habitually eradicate the grey, it’s time to break the habit and to let your years of follicular experience freely permeate into its grand, and long overdue fullness.

Grey has the mistaken perception of being neutral, boring and lacking colour and vigour. However, this is indeed a palate of naivety and ignorance. In fact, grey embellishes all the trials, tribulations and success associated with a lifetime of true innovation.

Consider the colour blue which has relished the joy of being linked to unhindered thought. Yes, blue provides a perception of boundless insights, but is it the common colour of hair choice in the corporate office? The answer being a resounding no.

Those employees with red hair are uniquely labelled as having certain distinctive personality traits that demonstrate vitality, fun and a willingness to try new experiences. If you have ever worked with a red head in your team, it will be a truly memorable experience and one that will be missed when absent.

The blonde (or yellow) haired co-worker has a range of attributes that exudes a range of desirable qualities which makes their presence a popular choice, so much so that they are synonymous with the term “blondes have more fun”.

Yes, the colours blue, red and yellow have all individually had their place for those that seek the attainment of creativity, as is seen by many an employee dabbling with a hair dye colour application that reflects this desire of follicle ownership.

But what happens if you combine all the knowledge contained within these three colours in equal proportions? The result is the colour grey. Yes, grey.

Grey hair is the colour that should be applauded as it signifies that this person readily portrays an accumulated knowledge base that would benefit any credible organisation.

So, should you be wanting to identify the innovative employees in your company, look for those that have the grey coloured hairs as they possess exactly what you are seeking.

Yes, Grey is Great.

 

Just Whistle

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Every office has one. If you happen to be in a work environment that has two, or more, then you should consider yourself most fortunate.

Yes, I’m talking about those employees who can continually purse their lips and whistle with visible gleeful happiness. These are your co-workers that always seem to “look on the bright side of life

So what is the key to their perceived joyful success? The answer may not be what you think.

It just so happens that their unequivocal source of happiness is derived via the melodious and simple act of whistling.

To some, whistling is just the physical process of puckering up your lips and blowing air in and out with differing duration. But to those in the know, it can be likened to the act of audibly smiling whilst creatively breathing. After whistling for a few minutes, the shape of your lips will naturally take the guise and form of a cheerful person who is willing engaged in jolly activities.

But what about the tune of the whistler? This is the most curious part of the whistling process as some can be melodic, others completely improvised, or humbly repetitive. However, all whistles mysteriously sound rather pleasing to the ear, regardless as to the ear’s owner, or their taste in musical enchantment.

Should you be feeling down, or despondent in your work, the response is simple, just engage your lips into the requisite whistling position, gently blow, and all thoughts of negativity will quickly evaporate into blissful harmonics.

In summary, if you want to be happy, just whistle.

Personnel Staffing Tailor

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In the days of yesteryear, hiring a new employee was fraught with numerous uncertainties and typically required the service of a professional recruiter. The process was timing consuming, costly, and usually involved ploughing through an endless list of CVs, countless interviews, tedious salary negotiations, a job offer, a period of probation, and then finally, if you were lucky, you had a useful new member of staff. If not, you were then back to the start, absent your time, dollars and the few remaining hairs from your quickly balding head.

Enter the role of your Personnel Staffing Tailor (PST). Yes, as the name suggests, this is a new addition to the recruiting business, and one that guarantees 100% corporate satisfaction, complete with a lifetime warranty on your new hire. Your risk, zero.

Now that I have your interest, I’m sure that you will want to quickly utilise the service of your nearest PST. How? Simple. Just ask Siri.

By adhering to Siri’s detailed instructions, you should now be about to enter the business abode of your PST. Don’t be shy, just open the door and go in, even-though it looks like a high-end tailor’s shop. Once inside, you will be greeted by a person that has a welcoming appearance, and one that makes you feel completely relaxed and comfortable. Which, they should do on all occasions for every prospective buyer, as they have been matched to your individual personality requirements to ensure you complete corporate shopping ease. Yes, they are a fashionably dressed humanoid, fully equipped with a remarkedly superior artificial intelligence.

Once seated in a perfectly fitting leather viewing chair, together with any nourishment that you desire at that point in time, your charming PST will ask you to list the full personality traits, qualifications, experience, gender and physical appearance that you require with your new hire.

Equipped with the completed list, your PST will now mix and match your potential new employee via a meticulous arrangement of humanoid features and downloaded artificial intelligence Apps (just like the Apple App Store) to fulfil all your business requirements. Once done, your new employee will quietly sit down next to you awaiting your approval.

So, what are the additional benefits associated with using the services of a PST?

  • Should the employee’s role change in the future, just refresh their accumulated Apps, or download additional ones as required for a modest fee. Your PST will have a stock of all the latest fashionable ones!
  • Your new employee will never need sick leave, annual leave, lunch or coffee breaks.
  • Their hours of work are 24 hours, they don’t abide by the restrictive 9-5 regime.
  • They speak, read and write all languages, even the rarest of dialects.
  • They have a work ethic that perfectly matches your corporate culture.
  • Their clothing attire is never dull and always an inspiration to others in the corporate office.

But, one word of caution, just in case you didn’t read the fine print on the PST contract. You boss has the right to match you with the equivalent AI humanoid, so don’t be surprised if your tenure is limited. But, as they say, that’s progress!

 

Too Hot in the Office?

Business Man in Office With Fan

Outside, the temperature is a whopping 48 degrees Celsius (118F). Thankfully, those working in the corporate office are happily benefiting from a massive air-conditioner that is steadily pumping out a chilled air woft that ensures optimum employee comfort.

But what if the prized air-conditioning unit should randomly fail without any thermal warning? For those of you that are the Office Safety Warden, on your list of significant staffing impact problems and threats, this one ranks well above fire, floods, or running out of coffee (well, maybe not the last one).

Thankfully, the Federal Directorate of Office Work has developed a Hot Employee Management Plan (HEMP) that provides a readily followed process that will quickly extinguish the unwelcome heat malady that could potentially engulf those hard working employees, and keep any “hot under the collar” tempers well subdued.

1. Remove Clothing
Step 1 is the most logical and most easily enforced, but this step will require the initial distribution of a CEO approved HR Policy, signed by all employees, so that each person knows just what level of clothing can be removed without causing any offence, or embarrassment .

2. Pedal Power
Most progressive offices have a desk equipped with a pedal powered fan that is situated under the employee’s desk that can be readily activated when required. For those employees that are a tad lazy, I’m sure you will be able to readily motivate a colleague to pedal your fan with the right financial incentive so all needs are met.

3. Mobile Phone
It is common for most employees to travel to work by car. This Step encourages employees to sit in their air-conditioned cars and then join any urgent business meetings via a conference call utilising their mobile phone. However, as Safety Warden, before you recommend this solution, please ensure that there is a strong exhaust fan in the underground carpark. If not, you may be facing another problem that could be much more serious.

4. Changing Clothes
Those colleagues in a tailored suit should be quickly encouraged to replace their long woollen trousers with shorts, or a kilt, thereby allowing that wanted air-flow relief.
For additional information:  Claim your Pantaloon Freedom

5. Holiday Room
For those employees lucky enough to work for a progressive organisation that has a “Holiday Room” located in their corporate office, all is good, as each worker can readily book some desirable cooling time at the “beach or the snow”.
For additional information: Holiday Room

But, should all the above Steps fail to provide the requisite temperature relief, then Step 6 should be immediately implemented to ensure the short-term protection of your workforce. That being, invoke a mass office evacuation which commands all employees to go home, thereby removing them from your legal responsibility!

You should then instantaneously adhere to the little known Step 7 (restricted to Office Safety Warden’s only), which requires you to go to the pub and have a nice cold beverage (or two), and with time, you will quickly forget all about the subject of air-conditioning! And remember, tomorrow is another day, and with it, there will hopefully be lots of rain.

 

Forget the Clean Desk Policy, Go Messy!

Albert Einstein office

For many years, employees in the corporate office have been told to have a clean desk at the end of their working day. However, for those numerous recalcitrants of unhindered mess that have deliberately not heeded the instruction, relax, as you are indeed the wise ones!

Yes, according to a soon to be prestigious university, in the not too distant future, some ground-breaking research will be remarkably discovered under copious reams of randomly scattered papers deeply buried on the Professor’s desk.

Although the handwriting will be a tad illegible, the key findings will be indisputable.

Finding 1: Dementia
A messy desk requires the owner to have a phenomenal memory in knowing exactly in which pile that unique piece of paper scribble written more than 6 months ago had been placed. A clean desk provides no such opportunity to test and improve your mental memory faculties.

Finding 2: Thinking Time
If you add up all the time that an employee wastes in tidying up their desk at the end of each day, you would immediately rescind the instruction. Messy employees are blessed with having additional time for strategic thinking by not wasting their valuable intellect in work distracting activities such as cleanliness.

Finding 3: The Purge
Those with a messy desk are not presented with the potential threat of discarding an important document on a daily basis. They have a more cunning and clever methodology where their entire desktop is typically purged on an annual basis. Afterall, if a paper hasn’t been touched once during that time period, then by default it can be deemed not important and can be happily placed in the recycle bin without any hesitation or doubt.

Finding 4: Security
Now this is the mistaken crux of the clean desk policy, that being, that an unwanted intruder won’t be tempted to steal a document that cannot be seen. But this is where the messy desk has a distinct advantage in that the patience of the industrial spy will be tested to the point of severe frustration as they willingly give up searching for that prized paper gem, owing to the severe lack of order and ingeniously unfathomable filing system.

Now when you add all these four masterly findings together, the true source of the research is disclosed, that being innovation. Yes, if you want to promote an innovation mindset in your corporate office, you should actively encourage mess.

Yes, mess is indeed the best.

 

What your Scarf says about You?

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Following a lifetime of scarf watching and wearing, one can say after years of visual research that this simple piece of cloth is indeed not what it seems and is a tad more complex. One could assume that its sole purpose is to keep the wearer’s neck warm, but this is far from the truth.

The real origins of the scarf go back to the days of when men were men and were unashamedly hairy. In this era of male follicular freedom, men had copious amounts of body hair that exuded unhindered from the top of their heads, right down to the upper surface of their feet.

Men were known to be warm, confident and content with their unique individuality that permeated with an endless array of hair colours, lengths and thicknesses.

Men didn’t need a scarf to keep their necks heated owing to their natural inbuilt thermal layer of protection. But alas, that all changed with the onset of personal grooming that necessitated the desire for a clean shaven neck, face and a carefully clipped head. Hairy mankind was doomed from that day forth.

What happened next was the birth of the scarf to placate man’s now continually cold neck. Coloured neck hair was quickly replaced with a variety of colourful looms and fabrics. The neck wrapping craze spread to include women, children and the occasional pampered pooch.

Now what was the root of this hairy downfall you may ask? The answer is innovation, surreptitiously disguised as personal fashion where everyone seeks their own unique creativity, and wants their bald neck to look visually different so they can stand out from the masses.

But those of us with hairy necks know the real reason, that being jealousy. Yes, not everyone can be the owner of hair, particularly on your neck. So, a message to those unlucky people that do not possess good hair neck fortune, keep wearing your scarves and one day your body may become fluffy. Yes, miracles do happen to those that seek hairy freedom! You just need a hairy belief.

 

A Predicament of Cuffs

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There is a growing trend that visually appears to be creeping out from within the apparel industry that is testing the wearer’s ability to cuff things comfortably. The garment of culprit is the business shirt where the sleeves are mysteriously getting longer.

Yes, in these days where everything is getting smaller, thinner and of a lower quality, it’s remarkable that the use of a costly fashionable cloth in this instance is increasing. Now this may initially sound like an unexpected opportunity for the astute consumer that appreciates value for money, but for those dapper dressers that like their shirt cuffs sitting precisely where they should be, and not half way down their fingers, this is a massive fashion catastrophe.

One could possibly assume that the length of the human arm has mysteriously increased by some unknown genetic mutation over the past year, but even with my minimal understanding of the machinations of the human body, I suspect that this is not the case.

Now should the origin be related to a rare herb or exotic vegetable, then I’m sure the makers of hair tonic, for those with a baldness malady, would have quickly applied the remarkable remedy to the hairless scalp population for immediate commercial gratification.

But alas, none of these wily scenarios seem to apply. Rather, I postulate that it is a deliberate ploy of that canny fashion industry to make the reluctant long-armed shirt wearer think differently as they creatively explore ways to shorten their lengthy predicament.

For those shirt wearers amongst you that are clueless on how to obtain a quick cuffed resolution, may I suggest that you consider the following innovative solutions:

  1. The Sleeve Garter
    This is a throw back to the 19th century when men’s shirts were only provided in one arm length, that being long. Now those fashionable men with a more civilised shorter arm length wore an elastic garter on their upper arm to impinge the unwanted shirt extension. To all antiquated manufacturers that used to fabricate these items, good fortune will soon be coming your way!
  2. The Cuff Roll Up
    This solution is indeed self-explanatory, so get ready for the sight of many a man now carefully rolling up their cuffs to attain the optimum equal arm position. For those in doubt as to the correct length, just keep a handy tape measure in your trouser pocket for surety of mind.
  3. Scissors
    This is a length rectification technique of last resort. Here the desperate shirt wearer applies the scissors with gusto to quickly discard any unwanted material thereby converting the item of clothing into a clever short sleeved shirt.

And if none of these solutions appease your shirt predicament, then only one answer remains. That being, give your unfashionable shirt as a loving gift to that long-armed friend that used to be known for their Neanderthal reach, but, is now the custodian of a wardrobe busting to contain the massive number of shirts reluctantly donated by the hapless chic populace that once enjoyed a comfortably fitting shirt.

Juris Doctor Actoris

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For those of you wanting to be a Barrister, relax as there is a new innovative course of study, Juris Doctor Actoris (JDA) now available at the soon to be famous University of Geelong that has been specifically designed to ensure your success.

Unlike most legal degrees that take years to attain, the JDA is a practical course that is based entirely on the behavioural observations of numerous Barristers professionally working in the courtroom, in their private chambers, and when frequenting with other like-minded legal individuals in the wine bar.

The following is a snapshot of the course syllabus:

Unit JDA001: Shakespeare
All good Barristers need to be proficient actors, as the courtroom is your stage. You need to work the jurors into believing your credibility, sincerity and that your guilty client is indeed most innocent. Like all good actors, you should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. You are there to perform, to be the chameleon that morphs into the requisite personality for the optimum financial gratification for both you, and those that you represent. Should you client be exonerated from the recalcitrant charges, well may you bask in the additional bonus of good fortune. Yes, to be, or not to be, that is the question!

Unit JDA002: Vocabulary
In this unit you will memorise every page of Roget’s Thesaurus and utilise each word in a myriad of unfathomable discussions in preparation for the opportunity of prolonged verbal discourse when your clients enter your private Chambers. Here the objective is to bamboozle those present with an endless array of complex nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs that are totally unrecognisable, but that maximises your time-charge potential for financial gain owing to your long winded legal instructions.

Unit JDA003: Wardrobe
Like all good actors you need to know how to dress to impress. In this instance, only the finest Italian or French wigs and gowns will suffice. But don’t limit yourself to these items, if you need a fashionable suit/dress, then make sure you don’t scrimp as your client will only expect the best. Remember, you also need to maximise your tax deductions, so the more expensive the better.

Unit JDA004: Wine
For those students new to the machinations of the court, this academic unit will teach you the finer points of wine drinking and will provide you with the added certification of being a qualified sommelier. Knowing how to disguise your insobriety when in front of the judge post a long lunch with your fellow Barristers is a skill that is a must for those wanting to succeed in this profession.

On the successful completion of these four fundamental units, you too will be able to walk into any courtroom with the knowledge that you will be able to hold your own against any professional barrister, particularly those that have not yet mastered the practical life skills that you now possess. And remember, the law, and not you, is an ass.