Juris Doctor Actoris

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For those of you wanting to be a Barrister, relax as there is a new innovative course of study, Juris Doctor Actoris (JDA) now available at the soon to be famous University of Geelong that has been specifically designed to ensure your success.

Unlike most legal degrees that take years to attain, the JDA is a practical course that is based entirely on the behavioural observations of numerous Barristers professionally working in the courtroom, in their private chambers, and when frequenting with other like-minded legal individuals in the wine bar.

The following is a snapshot of the course syllabus:

Unit JDA001: Shakespeare
All good Barristers need to be proficient actors, as the courtroom is your stage. You need to work the jurors into believing your credibility, sincerity and that your guilty client is indeed most innocent. Like all good actors, you should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. You are there to perform, to be the chameleon that morphs into the requisite personality for the optimum financial gratification for both you, and those that you represent. Should you client be exonerated from the recalcitrant charges, well may you bask in the additional bonus of good fortune. Yes, to be, or not to be, that is the question!

Unit JDA002: Vocabulary
In this unit you will memorise every page of Roget’s Thesaurus and utilise each word in a myriad of unfathomable discussions in preparation for the opportunity of prolonged verbal discourse when your clients enter your private Chambers. Here the objective is to bamboozle those present with an endless array of complex nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs that are totally unrecognisable, but that maximises your time-charge potential for financial gain owing to your long winded legal instructions.

Unit JDA003: Wardrobe
Like all good actors you need to know how to dress to impress. In this instance, only the finest Italian or French wigs and gowns will suffice. But don’t limit yourself to these items, if you need a fashionable suit/dress, then make sure you don’t scrimp as your client will only expect the best. Remember, you also need to maximise your tax deductions, so the more expensive the better.

Unit JDA004: Wine
For those students new to the machinations of the court, this academic unit will teach you the finer points of wine drinking and will provide you with the added certification of being a qualified sommelier. Knowing how to disguise your insobriety when in front of the judge post a long lunch with your fellow Barristers is a skill that is a must for those wanting to succeed in this profession.

On the successful completion of these four fundamental units, you too will be able to walk into any courtroom with the knowledge that you will be able to hold your own against any professional barrister, particularly those that have not yet mastered the practical life skills that you now possess. And remember, the law, and not you, is an ass.

Ideation in Motion

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It’s now a common sight. Parked on many a city or suburban footpath, there is an endless line of motor scooter riders eagerly waiting to make a lunch delivery to a stream of hungry and expectant customers.

Once on the move, they can be seen on roads courageously swerving and dangerously ducking in between numerous obstreperous cars as they make their way to the consumer’s destination in record time, complete with the goal of optimum distribution efficiency.

The nutritious product inside the branded brown paper bag they carry could be any cuisine, the rider is ambivalent, as long as the precious food contents arrive intact and unspoilt, just as it departed the door of the restaurant.

These distinctive conveyors of food serve a similar mechanism to those that seek creativity to foster a culture of innovation in the corporate office. The only difference being the contents, and the mode of transport.

Like all devourers of nourishment, businesses need a constant supply of ideas, and a trusted and reliable approach for creating them.

In a restaurant, a qualified chef is used to create and assemble the requisite gourmet ingredients, whereas a business can use a range of culinary techniques such as crowdsourcing, or brainstorming, to generate their creative inputs. However, in order to avoid a potential unsavoury gastronomic ideation mess that will negatively pollute the employee’s palate for innovation, a skilful Director of Innovation is required to filter, align and masterfully coagulate the ideas into a useful form for the business to consume, and ultimately rely on for ongoing cultural sustenance.

Now, not all employees will have the same tastes in ideation, so creativity mastery is required to flavour and accommodate their individual eating requirements. During this process, communicating the contents of the ideation menu is particularly important to inspire their hunger for the new thoughts being generated.

Enter the “ideation scooter” whose primary objective is to deliver the creativity developed throughout the organisation in bite size morsels that each employee can happily chew, and then swallow, with an endless desire for more. It’s important to note, that many deliveries may be indeed be required in order to get the innovative messages across, and then continually replenished.

So next time your see a food delivery scooter, take a moment to think about the contents being transported, the establishment that created it, and the lucky individual who is eagerly wanting to devour it. The “it” is ideation in motion, and something your business should have an appetite for in wanting to eagerly consume.

 

For Seekers of Sleep

Tired lady napping on airplane.

For those that have recently travelled on a long-haul flight in what is dis-affectionately known as “Regrettable Class” (RC), or more commonly classified as “Economy”, you will vividly appreciate the nerve-wrecking perils associated with the simple act of trying to go to sleep.

Unlike those First or Business Class passengers snuggly residing in their seats of decadence where they can nonchalantly stretch out to quickly achieve a state of blissful slumber, the hapless RC traveller enjoys has no such luxury.

These sleep disadvantaged people who make of the bulk of the passengers, reside well at the back of the plane, strategically out of sight of those with the larger and more comfortable seats. Those with the RC allocated Boarding Pass must endure hours of slumber torment before they can eventually stagger off the aircraft in their unwelcome zombie state.

Now should you be the CEO of a large international airline fleet, I would suggest you take notice as the following comments may alleviate an array of potential lawsuits that may soon be coming your way. In the world of equal human rights, the plane may indeed be the last bastion of inhumane class demarcation, particularly when it comes to the parity of sleep.

The RC Seat
Should you be a contortionist, the painfully narrow RC seats provided will ensure your complete satisfaction. However, if you reside in the other 99.99% of the world’s population, you will be greatly disappointed. To put it bluntly, after being reluctantly strapped into these seats for 17+ hours, a jagged boulder is decidedly more enticing to your gluteus maximus and will provide a far greater opportunity for restful slumber.
To make matters worse, the seats are not evenly balanced, so one bottom cheek is never in vertical harmony with the other which can lead to other potential problems, particularly after consuming a tad too many meals.
Following many thousands of years of practical research, mankind seems to agree that the best method for attaining a successful sleep is to lay down in the horizontal position which might explain the phenomenal design success of the bed. But, for some strange reason, airlines like to awkwardly strap the RC passenger into a slender fitting seat with the economic knowledge that they just know better.

The Snorer
Now should the RC passenger actually manage to beat the extremely one-sided odds positioned against them and do mysteriously achieve an unexpected hour of exhaustion induced sleep, there is always the loud snorer who abruptly ends the long-awaited erratic experience.
Yes, it’s time for those that snore to be placed into an isolated soundproof section of the plane where they can expel those noisy audible tones in reckless cacophony. As a suggestion, this could be near the lavatories where they could compete with the explosive air gust vacuum thud of the onboard toilet flush.

The Solution?
If you have ever travelled in a submarine, the answer is obvious, that being, the bunk. Just think about the advantages, the most obvious one being the horizontal aspect which happily facilitates and encourages sleep.
A sleeping RC passenger will also require less food, mainly because they are contently unconscious.
Bunks would also assist with space optimisation, complete with the added benefit of providing greater social interaction for those who like to engage with other like minded passengers in an array of mutually agreeable activities.

So, should you be an RC passenger reading this blog post, may I suggest that you participate in your preferred choice of social media and ask your habitually flown airline to consider the above suggestions (in my instance, Qantas). And who knows, maybe one day in the not too distant future, RC class will no longer be the trepidation of any sleep seeking traveller?

Sweet dreams.

 

The Holiday Room

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I must admit I felt a tad apprehensive to be lying semi-naked in my allocated room in the corporate office, but thankfully the door was firmly shut so no one could come in and spy me in my non-professional private state of personal relaxation. The temperature warmly caressing my body was a welcome 30 Celsius, outside the climatic elements were a freezing 10 degrees below which quickly alleviated any nanosecond potential thought of partial nudity in that environment.

The booking time remaining before my experience of quiet solace was to come to an abrupt end was indicated by the petite clock on the wall, that being, only 28 minutes. As such, I nonchalantly rolled over and let another part of my tired body savour the “Holiday Room” experience.

Yes, I was working in rather an innovative office where the employee can book a meeting room and escape from the pressures and pain of their stressful daily working regime. These unique office rooms are called “Holiday Rooms” and can be booked like any other meeting room for a one hour period via the employee’s electronic Outlook diary. Why a “Holiday Room”? Well, for those employees that can’t afford to take time off to have a real holiday owing to being deemed too busy, or important, this option provides a welcome interim solution!

How does it work? It’s simple. The employee just has to book the room, and then program the room to their desired temperature. Once selected, the room springs into the corresponding ambient solution mode and immediately sets up the requisite props to make the experience much more meaningful and relaxing.

For those employees that like the heat, once the temperature request had been accepted by the booking system, on arrival they would be pleasantly provided with a comfortable sunbed, a tube of SPF30 sunblock, wading pool (maximum depth of 0.5 metres to ensure no safety incidents, complete with two plastic floating penguins that squeak), sand pit (with shells, seaweed, bucket and spade), protective dark sunglasses and a booming sun-lamp. A discrete non-alcohol cocktail can also be purchased for a modest fee.

Now should an employee book a temperature which necessitates ice particles quickly coating the walls and floor, then the “Holiday Room” instantaneously initiates the “Mountain Chalet” mode where a spiffy coloured snug fitting ski suit, leather gloves, blazing open fire, thick floor rugs, recycled plastic reindeer and fake fur growling black bears all automatically appear, complete with a micro-mist of delightfully fragrant pine tree odour that majestically permeates the chilled air cooling system. As expected, a discrete non-alcoholic hot toddy is also available, personally delivered by a neutral concierge of your choice.

Of course, there is an array of many other creative options available for the “Holiday Room” depending on the variety of tastes and cultures of the employees residing in your corporate office.

How many employees can occupy a “Holiday Room” at the same time? A good question, but owing to some very wise preventative corporate HR policies, the answer is only one. If you require a room with more than one occupant, then it is suggested that you explore other options well away from the office, and on your own time.

Now if your office doesn’t yet have a “Holiday Room”, fortunately there is a simple solution. That being, Ask.

It just feels so Good!

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It just feels so good! Yes, it’s that glorious sensation you experience when eagerly opening that pristine door for the very first time as your nose is gleefully engulfed with those joyous automotive wofts associated with that new car interior. The exciting mood continues as you place your eagerly awaiting bottom into that virgin seat with the knowledge that you are indeed the first. You run your hands in a circular motion, anticlockwise, then clockwise, as you gingerly grip the steering wheel with each of your probing fingers where you slowly discover every notch and groove. Out on the road, you smile with snug satisfaction as all parts of the car work in harmonious unison as you carefully navigate the surrounding traffic with a self-imposed mode of cautious stealth. The feeling lasts for an unmeasured while, and then without notice, unfortunately, stops. You have now reached the stage of habitual blaséness where that initial feeling of excitement has regrettably diminished into nothingness. It’s now just a car.

Many an innovative organisation initially commence their operations with that “new car feeling”, but alas, over time, and particularly with success, that blasé nonchalant state gradually permeates throughout the structure leading to creative stagnation. So, what’s the solution?

Think of that car again, but this time focus on all the scheduled, and the occasional unplanned maintenance that is required to keep it humming in a state of perpetual driving bliss. This can take the form of mechanical, structural or aesthetic adjustments, all are required, and need ongoing investment, otherwise it ends up doomed on the scrap heap soon to be forgotten.

Innovation needs ongoing investment to stimulate and maintain the creative machinations of the business. All departments working in the organisation need to finely tuned, continually aligned, and supplemented with that combustible spark of ideation, otherwise it will slowly come to a resistant state of undesirable lethargy. However, sometimes an organisation needs to trade in the old ways of doing business and upgrade to a newer and more inspirational model. If so, don’t be scared to let your employees experience that wonderful new car smell, particularly as some of the newer ones may have never savoured that joy, and those longer serving ones, well, they may need a strong nasal refresher!

So if you want to maintain that ongoing pleasant innovation woft in your business, make sure you keep it well maintained and stimulated, otherwise, you might as well get a horse and get used to a slower, and rather more odorous form of reduced creativity.

Releasing Your Corporate Yogi

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There’s an emerging group of corporate innovators that are now inhabiting many a secluded office where they quickly pull down the blinds for privacy, lower the light intensity to achieve the optimum glow, add some enchanting music, and then nonchalantly roll out their rubber mats. Yes, they are doing yoga.

They arrive with minimal fuss, and happily disregard the usual business communicational banter as they set about preparing their eager minds for just the right emotional zone. Once in the requisite position, their yogi commences a routine with the objective of freeing their hampered corporate thoughts and bodies to allow the mindful process of true innovation to occur.

Now, for those of you new to the yoga experience, the following observations will help with your innovative assimilation.

The Yogi:
There is an instructor leading the class who will inspire your mind, and hopefully your body, to try new positions you never thought possible. They typically have a physique that has attained a state of perfect elasticity, which may yield a reflective look of total bewilderment on your face as to whether your desk bound tight body is slightly capable.

The Rubber Mat:
The rubber mat is an item that provides you with your own private yoga territory on the floor. But be warned, if you are thinking that there is sufficient cushioning to facilitate a state of comfortable slumber, you are indeed mistaken. Its purpose is to provide adequate grip, some basic hard surface relief, but more importantly to signify that you are a true believer of the yoga experience and have given your physical and mental consent to yourself, and those around you.

The Poses:
You will hear many phrases that make sense once you are in the position, such as “the downward facing dog”. However, should you be a novice, may I suggest that you look at the more experienced members in the group as this will provide a more obvious insight, as your “dog” may appear more like a “mouse”.

The Clothes:
Personal modesty is important as you will stretch your body into positions where certain body parts may unintentionally pop out. But as the lighting in the room is quite low, it is unlikely that anyone will see, so relax, except for maybe the Yogi who will quickly hide their smirk in order to avoid mutual embarrassment. As such, make sure that you wear clothes that maintain your respected level of corporate decency.

Once fully immersed in the complete yoga experience, your body will extend into numerous positions of the previous unknown, and with the right breathing, any pain that may initially be experienced will quickly turn to mindful pleasure. It is through this process that you, and your fellow work colleagues, will achieve the desired state of innovative nirvana.

So, should you be wanting to open your mind to allow a new vision of innovation in, the answer is simple. Do yoga, and all will be mindfully revealed.

Getting the Right Corporate pH Balance

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Understanding a corporate culture is a fishy thing. Just observe any aquarium long enough and you will know exactly what I mean as it all happens in the wet area.

Should a fish habitat not be under control, besides the associated unpleasant odour, there are many other signs signalling that some urgent correction is required.

With all fish, they have the joy of utilising every part of their environment for daily living. In the water they eat, play, mate and happily swim in their own personal discharge without the slightest care for themselves, or consideration for those around them. Now left unhindered, their watery abode soon changes colour and a fine deposit of unsavoury living quickly coats the glass walls, vegetation and sandy undergrowth. In time, many fish will unfortunately perish as they yearn for a new and stimulating environment.

To avoid this disastrous occurrence, the aquarium owner has many measuring devices available to them, such as pH, in order to avoid such a regrettable calamity. For those of the HR persuasion, this is analogous to the office motivational survey that is done with unfortunate irregularity.

There are also many types of fish that correlate closely with the personality profiles of those in the corporate office. There are the bottom feeders that happily delve down to the depths of the tank where they make a comfortable living from the discarded offerings from those working diligently above them. There are the sharks that dart about in an aggressive manner looking for any opportunity to be top fish. Little fish also nimbly manoeuvre the unfrequented water corridors in search of discrete jobs that need to be accomplished with strategic gusto.

Now should a new fish enter the aquarium, you will see them quickly adopt the unusual state of motionless as the try to surreptitiously acclimatise to the foreign water temperature before swiftly swimming off to a hiding location where they can determine who’s who in the eating order.

Now the key life-giving ingredient that all aquarium species must have is oxygen, as without it, their watery home rapidly turns into an unsavoury swamp. In the corporate office, this oxygenated requirement is known as innovation.

So, for all the HR Managers reading this blog post, you now know what you need to do to ensure that your office happily bubbles with continual employee enthusiasm. Yes, you need to repeatedly measure the corporate motivational pH and make any requisite cultural adjustments in order to achieve the right balance. Innovation is also a must, as without it, your employees will become lifeless and disengaged. By following these simple methods of fish hygiene, you can then sit back and admire your watery handiwork, as it will all percolate away just swimmingly.

The Clues are in their Hair

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Want to know if someone is innovative? The clues are in their hair, but not where you think it may typically be, no, indeed far from it.

For Clue Number 1, we need a historical perspective. When you think of Isaac Newton, or Leonardo da Vinci, you immediately think intelligence, creativity and an exploratory mind. But when you look closely at their portraits, have you noticed their hair? Yes, you will see long flowing locks of follicular matter, but, no, it is not theirs, but that of a wig.

Clue Number 2 focuses on the modern man with copious amounts of hair on his chest that strategically permeates between his straining shirt buttons to be displayed to all those that he meets. And for those men that have one or two buttons deliberately undone, they are purposely exposing their esteemed intellect and freedom of thought to the envious onlooker.

Now should a man be graced by god with the gift of masses of thick back hair, then this individual is the crème de la crème of innovators and one that fully embodies Clue Number 3. For many a year, this man has by archaic social customs cleverly hidden his thick rug from the jealous crowds through an array of carefully planned shirt wardrobe selections. But when walking on the beach in a back naked state, he is at his peak level of innovative inhibition, so beware!

The topic of Clue Number 4 is commonly observed in young women, particularly when sitting in a bored mental state in their stationary car at traffic lights, or when in the midst of a large number of flirtatious males. Here, when a woman is subconsciously thinking about a certain proposal, she slowly winds her finger around her long flowing locks of hair whilst she decides on a particular course of action.

Clue Number 5 relates to men with beards. When they are thinking, they casually rub their chins whilst they ponder the appropriate response, hoping for a wanted beam of inspiration.

Yes, the common denominator with all these clues is the individuals lack, or abundance of hair and how they use it, or disguise it, in their daily activities.

Now should you encounter a body that is completely absent of any hair, well, there is only one conclusion. They are probably exceptionally innovative, but have decided to shave off any clue of their highly knowledgeable persona before anyone knows what they hairingly possess!

The Shop of Waistful Circumference

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You all know that feeling. It’s your first day back from your Xmas holidays where you have habitually eaten, drunk and partied far too much and are now experiencing that unwelcome feeling of regretful tubbiness. Yes, those business shirts, trousers, skirts and belt buckles have all mysteriously shrunk in size, the cause of which is all too obvious to you now, unfortunately.

If only you had visited the Shop of Waistful Circumference (WC) before you commenced your holidays and all this physical discomfort would have been happily alleviated. Yes, there is always next year!

For those clever corporates that did indeed partake of the Shop of WC, you will be beaming with girthful happiness as you are breathing with comfort in your business attire.

The Shops of WC are strategically located in all major cities where there is a large business community and can be quickly found following a simple internet search.

When entering the Shop, you will be greeted by an experienced employee that has immediately surmised your current clothing size, so relax, as you will not need to divulge this protected number to alleviate any potential embarrassment.

However, you will be asked some basic questions about your plans for the Xmas holidays. For example, are you fond of plum pudding, do you frequently drink cocktails whilst lazing on a couch, have you placed your gym membership on hold, together with and other key clues of food intake and physical activity?

After some careful thoughtful consideration, the knowledgeable Shop of WC employee will suggest a tailored approach to your personalised tubbiness management regime that will ensure a welcome and fitted business attired start to your new year.

The Shop of WC has a vast array of fashionable clothing that you can purchase and wear with personal esteem over the Xmas holidays because you know that you will be in optimum body shape come that January back to work commencement date.

Now do not be alarmed by what the Shop of WC employee offers you as each item of clothing will be at least one or two sizes too small. Yes, you will deliberately be made to feel a tad plump and uncomfortable. But relax, as this is the secret to your success. These overly snug, body hugging clothes will be a continual reminder for you not indulge too much, but rather to consume a smaller amount of food, drink or other worldly delights over this Xmas period.

Come January when you thankfully discard your Shop of WC clothes and re-adorn your favourite business wardrobe from yesteryear that now remarkedly fit with no noticeable girth discomfort, you will be glad of the physical awkwardness that you begrudgingly accepted over the holidays.

What are you waiting for? Yes, just place an entry in your diary now for December to visit the Shop of WC and breath a sigh of clothing relief next year!

How to Breed Ideas?

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Great to hear that you have decided to become an idea breeder. It is a most rewarding hobby and one that will give you hours of joy and fulfilment. For those of you that have never done this before, don’t worry, it’s quite simple to do and requires minimal mental outlay, all you need is a focused mind.

I’ve been happily breeding ideas for many years, and if you are a novice, the following tips will get you quickly underway.

  1. Idea Type
    Yes, there are many types of ideas, so it’s important to know which ones you want to have in your idea collective (commonly known as an ideation coop). Ideas come in a vast array of different sizes, some are quite quick, others a bit of a laggard to fully develop, they can have short lives, others endure for many a lifetime. If you are uncertain as to which idea is best for you, I would suggest you consult your Thesaurus.
  2. Permit
    Many newcomers to this pastime often ask if they need a permit to breed ideas? The answer is no, so long as your ideas are not too noisy, as this may upset and distract those around you.
  3. Ideation Coop
    This is the most important facet in successfully breeding new ideas. Ideas like to be protected when they are born and require room for growth once they quickly start to develop. For this, a cosy thought box seems to work best, one with a special code that only you have access to thereby ensuring complete ideation security. Some breeders like to use a trademark or patent for their really special ideas, but this does come with a cost.
  4. Coop Maintenance
    New ideas will need creative nutrition to survive and maintain a healthy life. The best food for ideas is inspiration. It’s OK to start off small, but once your baby ideas get a taste for it, they will quickly grow and mature.
  5. Mating
    Ideas are very social and thoroughly enjoy a good interaction with other like-minded thoughts. They are capable of mating at any age, an activity which should be strongly encouraged, as it will ensure their long-term survival and a robust cross fertilisation of creativity which is an essential part of their development.

The next step is for you to give it a go! Don’t worry if you don’t get it right the first time. Ideas are very forgiving if you make a mistake, in fact, they appreciate it, as it shows that you are really committed to the ideation process.

Now go forth and breed!

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