As Professor of Human Behaviour at a rather obscure, yet soon to be prestigious university in Melbourne, following many years of extensive sports science research, the sauce of human creativity has finally been identified. The answer is indeed sauce, not source, so relax all those with a grammatical accuracy phobia that immediately noticed what may have been a deliberate and cunning mistake in the previous sentence.
Have you ever been to an Australian Football League game and observed the passionate spectators with their Four’n’Twenty pies happily held, and well entrenched, in their frozen wind blown hands at the mighty Melbourne Cricket Ground (aka the ‘G’)? For those of you that haven’t experienced this first hand, the art of eating a hot meat pie is one that takes immense skill so as to not burn your mouth, lips and those seated around you, as the dangerous hot filling tends to unexpectedly ooze out from the crumbling pastry.
The academic study focused not on the pie, but the creative application of the sauce, to be precise, tomato sauce (or ketchup), that accompanies the football fanatics ritualistic eating process. After observing many a pie eater, it appears that there is a direct correlation between the individual’s saucing technique and their personality.
1. The Nozzle Plunger
This pie eater is one not to be messed with and takes life and work very seriously. These eaters plunge the plastic sauce bottle nozzle deeply into the pie and squeeze out volumes of thick crimson sauce that forces the encapsulating pastry almost to the point of exploding. They also like to deliberately leave their pie pastry remnants on the bottle nozzle as a reminder to those that are next in line, that they were there before them, and that there may not be much sauce left in the bottle for their pie. As such, it is best not to follow those that nozzle plunge, if at all possible.
2. The Swirler
These pie eaters are the creative types and take great pride in forming perfect concentric sauce circles on the upper pie crust. The bigger the circles, the more artistic the individual. However, there are some sauce swirlers that go to the extreme and end up with a fully coated soggy red layer on their pie. These people aren’t creative, they just have no self control and should not be put into a position of any authority in a work or social environment as it will just end up in a total mess.
3. One Bite, One Squirt
This person is very methodical and has excellent planning skills. When eating a pie, a well defined measure of sauce is strategically squirted onto the section of pie now freshly exposed following their bite. However, a word of caution as these eaters are not very sociable as they tend to hog the sauce bottle, and not share it owing to their demanding and very selfish sauce squirting schedule.
Now for those reading this blog overseas, particularly in those countries where the hot dog dominates consumption at sporting events, and alas, no meat pies are consumed, or available, relax, as the study results do have international application. Here, the academic researcher just has to observe the eater, and see how they utilise the condiments available, be they mustard, pickles, or other gourmet delicacies. The researcher will be required to attend many sporting events, but with time and patience, the results will be validated.
Yes, the source of a person’s personality profile is most definitely found in the sauce.
Thoughts that might just be useful in the future 
Itching for Hitching
/ May 19, 2018I’m definitely a #2 and you’ve got me wanting a pie for brekkie.
Steven Cramer
/ May 19, 2018Maybe a pie floater for breakfast?
Itching for Hitching
/ May 19, 2018Oh don’t, I love pie floaters!
poshbirdy
/ May 22, 2018What’s a pie floater? (sorry, British)
Steven Cramer
/ May 22, 2018A good question…..the following video will provide you with the information. It’s a staple food in Adelaide (South Australia)! http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-10-06/the-pie-floater,-an-australian-icon-swimming-in/9020614
Liz
/ May 25, 2018love this – had no idea what a pie floater is. Thank you for the education 🙂
Liz
/ May 25, 2018Funny – creative way of looking at things. No meat pies here, but I would love to try one. Could you dip it in a side of ketchup as you go or is that frowned upon?
Steven Cramer
/ May 25, 2018There are no rules with eating a pie…you can dip or dunk or swirl it in ketchup if you want, the only catch is that you are the one that has to eat it!
boxologist
/ May 27, 2018It’s all so clear now Steve.
Steven Cramer
/ May 27, 2018My work is done!