Overcoming The Law of Pudgification

Punch cartoon: Circumference - fat man at a tailor's shop

The Law of Pudgification states, that for every food excess consumed by the eater, regardless of how many attempts are made to lose the weight from your corporately embellished stomach, the consumer’s physical body form will never completely return back to its previous slim state. The extent of this stomach deviation is called the “Residual Pudge”.

Now for those of you that have reluctantly bitten off more than you can chew over the holiday festivities, you may be experiencing the unwanted influence of this Law. If that is you, a word of advice for your planned first day of work return, that being, don’t try and wear your normal business attire because you are doomed to experience massive wardrobe failure. Yes, buttons will pop, zippers will bulge, and fabric seams will be tested to their extreme limit. The unavoidable result will be catastrophic clothing malfunction combined with severe personal embarrassment.

As you nervously approach this first day back in the office, you do have at least three options to carefully ponder:

Option 1: Fast continually for a week and hope that the “Residual Pudge” quickly alleviates. But let’s be realistic, this is never going to happen!

Option 2: Defer your scheduled first day back in the office by at least a month so your voluminous body has an opportunity to naturally deflate.

Option 3: Purchase an “Expando-Suit”.

Yes, for those of you that can’t accommodate Options 1 and 2, Option 3 is an efficient route to pudgification ownership correction.

What? You haven’t heard of the “Expando-Suit”? Well, it has successfully encapsulated the exterior of numerous well-fed corporate individuals for many a decade. No, it is not advertised, but is readily available via word of a full mouth from those that are in corresponding need of depudgification.

The “Expando-Suit” looks like any fashionable business suit so the innocent onlooker would never be the wiser. It can be purchased in a variety of the latest stylish trends, or for those more conservative, in solid grey, blue or black colours (perfect for any lawyers or politicians that may be reading who have partaken of one piece of plum pudding too many), and meticulously meets the clothing needs of both the corporate woman or man. But it has one unique point of difference, that being the fabric that happily stretches around any over pudgified body part with minimal visual cling. Yes, the wearer will look fashionably suave and sophisticated and not like a plastic cling-wrapped piece of produce.

However, a word of caution. The “Expando-Suit” will feel so comfortable to wear that you may forget the reason why you purchased one in the first place. Yes, you need to lose pudge. To assist in this endeavour, the cotton used in the fabric seams (patent pending) will disintegrate in exactly four weeks of continual office wear. So, in order to avoid breaking any HR laws of personal exposure in your office, you have been officially warned!

Yes, the “Expando-Suit” is indeed an option, but let’s be honest with ourselves, the preferred choice when eating is to be conscious of The Law of Pudgification and to minimise any potential side effects that may be looming from overindulgence.

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