The Discovery of the “Homo Game-ien”

Historical archaeology excavations at the old Champoeg townsite, Champoeg State Park, Oregon (USA) 1974

From the lofty height of the lectern in the famous ballroom of the Grand Venus Hotel, although partially dazzled by the lights that illuminated the stage where I nervously stood, I smirked as I perused the vast audience of my fellow archaeologists.

The year was 4015, and I, a Professor at the galaxy renowned University of Pluto, was about to give a speech on my department’s recent archaeological dig in a remote part of an ancient civilization on the plant Earth.

“Ladies, Gentlemen and other socially acceptable, but yet to be officially classified life forms, welcome to this galaxy shattering presentation on the discovery of the missing link that has been troubling archaeologists, sociologists, scientists, marketers, and retailers for many millenniums. Yes, we believe we have unearthed the remains of a “Homo Game-ien.” To which, the audience erupted into spontaneous applause and enthusiastic cheers of delight!

“Whilst on a geological survey in the ancient city that the locals of that time called “Melbourne”, although we were initially searching for the rare metal deposits typically found in years of accumulated and discarded iPads, iPhones, xBoxs and PlayStations, we made a totally unexpected discovery. Yes, that was the body of a “Homo Game-ien”.

The body was remarkably well preserved. A post mortem analysis indicated high chemical levels of McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Subway and other food substitutes, all of which would have ensured that the body remained in perfect condition for at least another two thousand years.

The body was male, and a dental analysis highlighted minimal wear on the teeth, probably owing to no real meat being consumed, only meat in a minced form (aka “ham-burger”) which we believe was a staple form of protein around that time.

We have named the body “Vans” owing to the name being evident on numerous articles of clothing worn by the individual. We can only surmise that wearing clothing with your name on it was a form of communication between other males of that time period. This is also based on the large number of archaic and rather primitive electronic games surrounding the body that would have hindered actual audible dialogue.

“Van” was also rather obese. This might be due to the copious number of food substitutes with exceptionally high sugar and chemical content (now banned in our society) that were found in close proximity to the body. These chemically rich food sources appear to have been sealed in an oil based plastic substrate to ensure a shelf-life of at least seven “Van” lifetimes.

An interesting and most unusual observation was the lack of fingerprint definition on “Van’s” thumb and index fingers that was mirrored on both hands. We are still trying to understand the cause of this effect, but we did find a black object in his hands with the words “Controller” branded on it, which is the subject of further investigation.

Unfortunately, that is all the information that “Van” was able to provide us. The answer as to why the “Homo Game-ien” became extinct we do not know, but the lack of social interaction with their fellow “Homo Sapiens”, particularly those that were female, that freely roamed that part of the Earth, might be a strong contributor to the cause?

Thank you for your time.”

It’s That Fabric

Tartan Dress

The year is 649 BC. Snuggled in front of the large open fire sits a cross-legged, middle-aged Celtic man with a scruffy reddish beard. He has just received his invitation to the official lamb annual sacrifice and he is all in a quandary as to what to wear for such a significant occasion. He looks rather forlornly at his tatty worn breaches and looks deep into the glowing wood embers for some fashion inspiration whilst quietly sipping on a wee dram of a noxious fermented barley brew. After a few hours, his throat is scourged of all feeling, his beard is nearing the stage of spontaneous combustion and his eyes are wishing they were positioned in the back of his head so as to avoid the fierce radiant heat. But with a surprising, and somewhat unexpected experience, a creative and unplanned thought begins to permeate and develop.

The year is 689 AD. A fierce battle is being fought in the land of Killiecrankie. Leading the charge is a gallant man called McDonnell. He, and his band of impressive warriors, are bamboozling the enemy with a distinctive coloured uniform that flaps loudly with repetition in the cold Scottish highland wind against their large hairy thighs as they confront their foes with swords extended.

The year is 2015 AD. A young woman walks along the platform of a London underground tube station wearing a patterned red dress that turns many a head yielding a look of awe and bashful uncertainty. The pattern is traditional, complements her lipstick, and is minimal in fabric volume and body coverage. However, the wearer is not perturbed, as it has achieved the required visual objective of individual differentiation.

Yes, there is only one fabric that can achieve all of the above unique personal requirements, and more! This fabric is a creative combination of different colours, lines and squares that the observer could only assume was initially a creative mistake. Yet, it was not made in error. No, it is a handiwork of true fashion innovation and one that has travelled successfully throughout the ages and will continue well into the future.

It is known by the name of “tartan” and it is immediately recognisable by populations and cultures across the globe. It identifies the wearer with a persona of difference, and one that is prepared to cross the boundaries of tradition, particularly in this day of corporate fashion conservatism.

So, next time you are trying to instil and propagate a culture of innovation in your corporate organization, the choice is simple. Wear a tartan item of clothing, and you will be noticed and definitely not forgotten!

Dress for Success


Perched with a seal like physique, and with toes just residing on the edge of the starting blocks, the swimmer’s ears desperately listens for the starters gun to allow their body to be catapulted into the pool.

Comment: Now this is probably the “verbage” one would expect to read when describing such an activity, but no, I will be observing the swimming race from an entirely different perspective.

If you were to study the appearance of the swimmers, you would witness them all to be wearing sleek, body hugging bathers, or they would be similarly equipped with a freshly shaven and ultra-smooth body brandishing the most microscopic swimming costume that just avoids an exhibitional “R-Rating” classification. Gone are the days of seeing a daggy, loose fitting, hairy chested (yes, I am talking about men), bawdy, bather clad swimmer who looked like they were preparing their large belly for the high gravitational impact of a maximised “bomb” splash. Yes, these people do still exist, but only in certain residential suburbs that you and I tend not to frequent (well, maybe not state publicly anyway?).

Those swimmers that have the objective of wanting to win, tend to “Dress For Success”.

The key word here is not “success”, but actually “dress” and no, I’m not saying that everyone needs to actually wear a dress to be successful. Rather, successful people have an individual fashion statement that captures the true essence of their personality and which defines their own distinctive uniqueness. In a similar way to the “Impressionist Master Painters”, their brush strokes and use of colour, created works of art that truly defined their signature, even if they didn’t actually sign the painting. People just needed to view the painting, upon which the artistic origin was immediately recognised.

The successful swimmer combines the requisite sports swimming costume with their own brand of style and technique when in the water. Similarly, powerful and influential people have their own fashion persona that identifies them with a tailored clothing statement via the selection of a range of accessories such as ties, shirts, suits, shoes, socks, cuff-links, aftershave, perfumes (I was thinking woman, but each to their own), hairstyles and suchlike, that when combined by them supports and reinforces their personal and publicly branded message.

So as that old phrase goes, “Clothes do indeed maketh the woman and the man”. If you want to look like a bogan, well, dress like one and you will be treated as per the appearance you portray. But if you want to look like a winner, then dress accordingly.

Now for those of you that wear a kilt, the verdict is indeed still out on this one! However, if you wear a bow-tie, no more needs to be said!

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