Personnel Staffing Tailor

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In the days of yesteryear, hiring a new employee was fraught with numerous uncertainties and typically required the service of a professional recruiter. The process was timing consuming, costly, and usually involved ploughing through an endless list of CVs, countless interviews, tedious salary negotiations, a job offer, a period of probation, and then finally, if you were lucky, you had a useful new member of staff. If not, you were then back to the start, absent your time, dollars and the few remaining hairs from your quickly balding head.

Enter the role of your Personnel Staffing Tailor (PST). Yes, as the name suggests, this is a new addition to the recruiting business, and one that guarantees 100% corporate satisfaction, complete with a lifetime warranty on your new hire. Your risk, zero.

Now that I have your interest, I’m sure that you will want to quickly utilise the service of your nearest PST. How? Simple. Just ask Siri.

By adhering to Siri’s detailed instructions, you should now be about to enter the business abode of your PST. Don’t be shy, just open the door and go in, even-though it looks like a high-end tailor’s shop. Once inside, you will be greeted by a person that has a welcoming appearance, and one that makes you feel completely relaxed and comfortable. Which, they should do on all occasions for every prospective buyer, as they have been matched to your individual personality requirements to ensure you complete corporate shopping ease. Yes, they are a fashionably dressed humanoid, fully equipped with a remarkedly superior artificial intelligence.

Once seated in a perfectly fitting leather viewing chair, together with any nourishment that you desire at that point in time, your charming PST will ask you to list the full personality traits, qualifications, experience, gender and physical appearance that you require with your new hire.

Equipped with the completed list, your PST will now mix and match your potential new employee via a meticulous arrangement of humanoid features and downloaded artificial intelligence Apps (just like the Apple App Store) to fulfil all your business requirements. Once done, your new employee will quietly sit down next to you awaiting your approval.

So, what are the additional benefits associated with using the services of a PST?

  • Should the employee’s role change in the future, just refresh their accumulated Apps, or download additional ones as required for a modest fee. Your PST will have a stock of all the latest fashionable ones!
  • Your new employee will never need sick leave, annual leave, lunch or coffee breaks.
  • Their hours of work are 24 hours, they don’t abide by the restrictive 9-5 regime.
  • They speak, read and write all languages, even the rarest of dialects.
  • They have a work ethic that perfectly matches your corporate culture.
  • Their clothing attire is never dull and always an inspiration to others in the corporate office.

But, one word of caution, just in case you didn’t read the fine print on the PST contract. You boss has the right to match you with the equivalent AI humanoid, so don’t be surprised if your tenure is limited. But, as they say, that’s progress!

 

Too Hot in the Office?

Business Man in Office With Fan

Outside, the temperature is a whopping 48 degrees Celsius (118F). Thankfully, those working in the corporate office are happily benefiting from a massive air-conditioner that is steadily pumping out a chilled air woft that ensures optimum employee comfort.

But what if the prized air-conditioning unit should randomly fail without any thermal warning? For those of you that are the Office Safety Warden, on your list of significant staffing impact problems and threats, this one ranks well above fire, floods, or running out of coffee (well, maybe not the last one).

Thankfully, the Federal Directorate of Office Work has developed a Hot Employee Management Plan (HEMP) that provides a readily followed process that will quickly extinguish the unwelcome heat malady that could potentially engulf those hard working employees, and keep any “hot under the collar” tempers well subdued.

1. Remove Clothing
Step 1 is the most logical and most easily enforced, but this step will require the initial distribution of a CEO approved HR Policy, signed by all employees, so that each person knows just what level of clothing can be removed without causing any offence, or embarrassment .

2. Pedal Power
Most progressive offices have a desk equipped with a pedal powered fan that is situated under the employee’s desk that can be readily activated when required. For those employees that are a tad lazy, I’m sure you will be able to readily motivate a colleague to pedal your fan with the right financial incentive so all needs are met.

3. Mobile Phone
It is common for most employees to travel to work by car. This Step encourages employees to sit in their air-conditioned cars and then join any urgent business meetings via a conference call utilising their mobile phone. However, as Safety Warden, before you recommend this solution, please ensure that there is a strong exhaust fan in the underground carpark. If not, you may be facing another problem that could be much more serious.

4. Changing Clothes
Those colleagues in a tailored suit should be quickly encouraged to replace their long woollen trousers with shorts, or a kilt, thereby allowing that wanted air-flow relief.
For additional information:  Claim your Pantaloon Freedom

5. Holiday Room
For those employees lucky enough to work for a progressive organisation that has a “Holiday Room” located in their corporate office, all is good, as each worker can readily book some desirable cooling time at the “beach or the snow”.
For additional information: Holiday Room

But, should all the above Steps fail to provide the requisite temperature relief, then Step 6 should be immediately implemented to ensure the short-term protection of your workforce. That being, invoke a mass office evacuation which commands all employees to go home, thereby removing them from your legal responsibility!

You should then instantaneously adhere to the little known Step 7 (restricted to Office Safety Warden’s only), which requires you to go to the pub and have a nice cold beverage (or two), and with time, you will quickly forget all about the subject of air-conditioning! And remember, tomorrow is another day, and with it, there will hopefully be lots of rain.

 

Forget the Clean Desk Policy, Go Messy!

Albert Einstein office

For many years, employees in the corporate office have been told to have a clean desk at the end of their working day. However, for those numerous recalcitrants of unhindered mess that have deliberately not heeded the instruction, relax, as you are indeed the wise ones!

Yes, according to a soon to be prestigious university, in the not too distant future, some ground-breaking research will be remarkably discovered under copious reams of randomly scattered papers deeply buried on the Professor’s desk.

Although the handwriting will be a tad illegible, the key findings will be indisputable.

Finding 1: Dementia
A messy desk requires the owner to have a phenomenal memory in knowing exactly in which pile that unique piece of paper scribble written more than 6 months ago had been placed. A clean desk provides no such opportunity to test and improve your mental memory faculties.

Finding 2: Thinking Time
If you add up all the time that an employee wastes in tidying up their desk at the end of each day, you would immediately rescind the instruction. Messy employees are blessed with having additional time for strategic thinking by not wasting their valuable intellect in work distracting activities such as cleanliness.

Finding 3: The Purge
Those with a messy desk are not presented with the potential threat of discarding an important document on a daily basis. They have a more cunning and clever methodology where their entire desktop is typically purged on an annual basis. Afterall, if a paper hasn’t been touched once during that time period, then by default it can be deemed not important and can be happily placed in the recycle bin without any hesitation or doubt.

Finding 4: Security
Now this is the mistaken crux of the clean desk policy, that being, that an unwanted intruder won’t be tempted to steal a document that cannot be seen. But this is where the messy desk has a distinct advantage in that the patience of the industrial spy will be tested to the point of severe frustration as they willingly give up searching for that prized paper gem, owing to the severe lack of order and ingeniously unfathomable filing system.

Now when you add all these four masterly findings together, the true source of the research is disclosed, that being innovation. Yes, if you want to promote an innovation mindset in your corporate office, you should actively encourage mess.

Yes, mess is indeed the best.

 

What your Scarf says about You?

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Following a lifetime of scarf watching and wearing, one can say after years of visual research that this simple piece of cloth is indeed not what it seems and is a tad more complex. One could assume that its sole purpose is to keep the wearer’s neck warm, but this is far from the truth.

The real origins of the scarf go back to the days of when men were men and were unashamedly hairy. In this era of male follicular freedom, men had copious amounts of body hair that exuded unhindered from the top of their heads, right down to the upper surface of their feet.

Men were known to be warm, confident and content with their unique individuality that permeated with an endless array of hair colours, lengths and thicknesses.

Men didn’t need a scarf to keep their necks heated owing to their natural inbuilt thermal layer of protection. But alas, that all changed with the onset of personal grooming that necessitated the desire for a clean shaven neck, face and a carefully clipped head. Hairy mankind was doomed from that day forth.

What happened next was the birth of the scarf to placate man’s now continually cold neck. Coloured neck hair was quickly replaced with a variety of colourful looms and fabrics. The neck wrapping craze spread to include women, children and the occasional pampered pooch.

Now what was the root of this hairy downfall you may ask? The answer is innovation, surreptitiously disguised as personal fashion where everyone seeks their own unique creativity, and wants their bald neck to look visually different so they can stand out from the masses.

But those of us with hairy necks know the real reason, that being jealousy. Yes, not everyone can be the owner of hair, particularly on your neck. So, a message to those unlucky people that do not possess good hair neck fortune, keep wearing your scarves and one day your body may become fluffy. Yes, miracles do happen to those that seek hairy freedom! You just need a hairy belief.

 

A Predicament of Cuffs

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There is a growing trend that visually appears to be creeping out from within the apparel industry that is testing the wearer’s ability to cuff things comfortably. The garment of culprit is the business shirt where the sleeves are mysteriously getting longer.

Yes, in these days where everything is getting smaller, thinner and of a lower quality, it’s remarkable that the use of a costly fashionable cloth in this instance is increasing. Now this may initially sound like an unexpected opportunity for the astute consumer that appreciates value for money, but for those dapper dressers that like their shirt cuffs sitting precisely where they should be, and not half way down their fingers, this is a massive fashion catastrophe.

One could possibly assume that the length of the human arm has mysteriously increased by some unknown genetic mutation over the past year, but even with my minimal understanding of the machinations of the human body, I suspect that this is not the case.

Now should the origin be related to a rare herb or exotic vegetable, then I’m sure the makers of hair tonic, for those with a baldness malady, would have quickly applied the remarkable remedy to the hairless scalp population for immediate commercial gratification.

But alas, none of these wily scenarios seem to apply. Rather, I postulate that it is a deliberate ploy of that canny fashion industry to make the reluctant long-armed shirt wearer think differently as they creatively explore ways to shorten their lengthy predicament.

For those shirt wearers amongst you that are clueless on how to obtain a quick cuffed resolution, may I suggest that you consider the following innovative solutions:

  1. The Sleeve Garter
    This is a throw back to the 19th century when men’s shirts were only provided in one arm length, that being long. Now those fashionable men with a more civilised shorter arm length wore an elastic garter on their upper arm to impinge the unwanted shirt extension. To all antiquated manufacturers that used to fabricate these items, good fortune will soon be coming your way!
  2. The Cuff Roll Up
    This solution is indeed self-explanatory, so get ready for the sight of many a man now carefully rolling up their cuffs to attain the optimum equal arm position. For those in doubt as to the correct length, just keep a handy tape measure in your trouser pocket for surety of mind.
  3. Scissors
    This is a length rectification technique of last resort. Here the desperate shirt wearer applies the scissors with gusto to quickly discard any unwanted material thereby converting the item of clothing into a clever short sleeved shirt.

And if none of these solutions appease your shirt predicament, then only one answer remains. That being, give your unfashionable shirt as a loving gift to that long-armed friend that used to be known for their Neanderthal reach, but, is now the custodian of a wardrobe busting to contain the massive number of shirts reluctantly donated by the hapless chic populace that once enjoyed a comfortably fitting shirt.

Juris Doctor Actoris

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For those of you wanting to be a Barrister, relax as there is a new innovative course of study, Juris Doctor Actoris (JDA) now available at the soon to be famous University of Geelong that has been specifically designed to ensure your success.

Unlike most legal degrees that take years to attain, the JDA is a practical course that is based entirely on the behavioural observations of numerous Barristers professionally working in the courtroom, in their private chambers, and when frequenting with other like-minded legal individuals in the wine bar.

The following is a snapshot of the course syllabus:

Unit JDA001: Shakespeare
All good Barristers need to be proficient actors, as the courtroom is your stage. You need to work the jurors into believing your credibility, sincerity and that your guilty client is indeed most innocent. Like all good actors, you should never let the truth get in the way of a good story. You are there to perform, to be the chameleon that morphs into the requisite personality for the optimum financial gratification for both you, and those that you represent. Should you client be exonerated from the recalcitrant charges, well may you bask in the additional bonus of good fortune. Yes, to be, or not to be, that is the question!

Unit JDA002: Vocabulary
In this unit you will memorise every page of Roget’s Thesaurus and utilise each word in a myriad of unfathomable discussions in preparation for the opportunity of prolonged verbal discourse when your clients enter your private Chambers. Here the objective is to bamboozle those present with an endless array of complex nouns, verbs, adjectives and adverbs that are totally unrecognisable, but that maximises your time-charge potential for financial gain owing to your long winded legal instructions.

Unit JDA003: Wardrobe
Like all good actors you need to know how to dress to impress. In this instance, only the finest Italian or French wigs and gowns will suffice. But don’t limit yourself to these items, if you need a fashionable suit/dress, then make sure you don’t scrimp as your client will only expect the best. Remember, you also need to maximise your tax deductions, so the more expensive the better.

Unit JDA004: Wine
For those students new to the machinations of the court, this academic unit will teach you the finer points of wine drinking and will provide you with the added certification of being a qualified sommelier. Knowing how to disguise your insobriety when in front of the judge post a long lunch with your fellow Barristers is a skill that is a must for those wanting to succeed in this profession.

On the successful completion of these four fundamental units, you too will be able to walk into any courtroom with the knowledge that you will be able to hold your own against any professional barrister, particularly those that have not yet mastered the practical life skills that you now possess. And remember, the law, and not you, is an ass.

Ideation in Motion

food-delivery

It’s now a common sight. Parked on many a city or suburban footpath, there is an endless line of motor scooter riders eagerly waiting to make a lunch delivery to a stream of hungry and expectant customers.

Once on the move, they can be seen on roads courageously swerving and dangerously ducking in between numerous obstreperous cars as they make their way to the consumer’s destination in record time, complete with the goal of optimum distribution efficiency.

The nutritious product inside the branded brown paper bag they carry could be any cuisine, the rider is ambivalent, as long as the precious food contents arrive intact and unspoilt, just as it departed the door of the restaurant.

These distinctive conveyors of food serve a similar mechanism to those that seek creativity to foster a culture of innovation in the corporate office. The only difference being the contents, and the mode of transport.

Like all devourers of nourishment, businesses need a constant supply of ideas, and a trusted and reliable approach for creating them.

In a restaurant, a qualified chef is used to create and assemble the requisite gourmet ingredients, whereas a business can use a range of culinary techniques such as crowdsourcing, or brainstorming, to generate their creative inputs. However, in order to avoid a potential unsavoury gastronomic ideation mess that will negatively pollute the employee’s palate for innovation, a skilful Director of Innovation is required to filter, align and masterfully coagulate the ideas into a useful form for the business to consume, and ultimately rely on for ongoing cultural sustenance.

Now, not all employees will have the same tastes in ideation, so creativity mastery is required to flavour and accommodate their individual eating requirements. During this process, communicating the contents of the ideation menu is particularly important to inspire their hunger for the new thoughts being generated.

Enter the “ideation scooter” whose primary objective is to deliver the creativity developed throughout the organisation in bite size morsels that each employee can happily chew, and then swallow, with an endless desire for more. It’s important to note, that many deliveries may be indeed be required in order to get the innovative messages across, and then continually replenished.

So next time your see a food delivery scooter, take a moment to think about the contents being transported, the establishment that created it, and the lucky individual who is eagerly wanting to devour it. The “it” is ideation in motion, and something your business should have an appetite for in wanting to eagerly consume.

 

For Seekers of Sleep

Tired lady napping on airplane.

For those that have recently travelled on a long-haul flight in what is dis-affectionately known as “Regrettable Class” (RC), or more commonly classified as “Economy”, you will vividly appreciate the nerve-wrecking perils associated with the simple act of trying to go to sleep.

Unlike those First or Business Class passengers snuggly residing in their seats of decadence where they can nonchalantly stretch out to quickly achieve a state of blissful slumber, the hapless RC traveller enjoys has no such luxury.

These sleep disadvantaged people who make of the bulk of the passengers, reside well at the back of the plane, strategically out of sight of those with the larger and more comfortable seats. Those with the RC allocated Boarding Pass must endure hours of slumber torment before they can eventually stagger off the aircraft in their unwelcome zombie state.

Now should you be the CEO of a large international airline fleet, I would suggest you take notice as the following comments may alleviate an array of potential lawsuits that may soon be coming your way. In the world of equal human rights, the plane may indeed be the last bastion of inhumane class demarcation, particularly when it comes to the parity of sleep.

The RC Seat
Should you be a contortionist, the painfully narrow RC seats provided will ensure your complete satisfaction. However, if you reside in the other 99.99% of the world’s population, you will be greatly disappointed. To put it bluntly, after being reluctantly strapped into these seats for 17+ hours, a jagged boulder is decidedly more enticing to your gluteus maximus and will provide a far greater opportunity for restful slumber.
To make matters worse, the seats are not evenly balanced, so one bottom cheek is never in vertical harmony with the other which can lead to other potential problems, particularly after consuming a tad too many meals.
Following many thousands of years of practical research, mankind seems to agree that the best method for attaining a successful sleep is to lay down in the horizontal position which might explain the phenomenal design success of the bed. But, for some strange reason, airlines like to awkwardly strap the RC passenger into a slender fitting seat with the economic knowledge that they just know better.

The Snorer
Now should the RC passenger actually manage to beat the extremely one-sided odds positioned against them and do mysteriously achieve an unexpected hour of exhaustion induced sleep, there is always the loud snorer who abruptly ends the long-awaited erratic experience.
Yes, it’s time for those that snore to be placed into an isolated soundproof section of the plane where they can expel those noisy audible tones in reckless cacophony. As a suggestion, this could be near the lavatories where they could compete with the explosive air gust vacuum thud of the onboard toilet flush.

The Solution?
If you have ever travelled in a submarine, the answer is obvious, that being, the bunk. Just think about the advantages, the most obvious one being the horizontal aspect which happily facilitates and encourages sleep.
A sleeping RC passenger will also require less food, mainly because they are contently unconscious.
Bunks would also assist with space optimisation, complete with the added benefit of providing greater social interaction for those who like to engage with other like minded passengers in an array of mutually agreeable activities.

So, should you be an RC passenger reading this blog post, may I suggest that you participate in your preferred choice of social media and ask your habitually flown airline to consider the above suggestions (in my instance, Qantas). And who knows, maybe one day in the not too distant future, RC class will no longer be the trepidation of any sleep seeking traveller?

Sweet dreams.

 

The Holiday Room

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I must admit I felt a tad apprehensive to be lying semi-naked in my allocated room in the corporate office, but thankfully the door was firmly shut so no one could come in and spy me in my non-professional private state of personal relaxation. The temperature warmly caressing my body was a welcome 30 Celsius, outside the climatic elements were a freezing 10 degrees below which quickly alleviated any nanosecond potential thought of partial nudity in that environment.

The booking time remaining before my experience of quiet solace was to come to an abrupt end was indicated by the petite clock on the wall, that being, only 28 minutes. As such, I nonchalantly rolled over and let another part of my tired body savour the “Holiday Room” experience.

Yes, I was working in rather an innovative office where the employee can book a meeting room and escape from the pressures and pain of their stressful daily working regime. These unique office rooms are called “Holiday Rooms” and can be booked like any other meeting room for a one hour period via the employee’s electronic Outlook diary. Why a “Holiday Room”? Well, for those employees that can’t afford to take time off to have a real holiday owing to being deemed too busy, or important, this option provides a welcome interim solution!

How does it work? It’s simple. The employee just has to book the room, and then program the room to their desired temperature. Once selected, the room springs into the corresponding ambient solution mode and immediately sets up the requisite props to make the experience much more meaningful and relaxing.

For those employees that like the heat, once the temperature request had been accepted by the booking system, on arrival they would be pleasantly provided with a comfortable sunbed, a tube of SPF30 sunblock, wading pool (maximum depth of 0.5 metres to ensure no safety incidents, complete with two plastic floating penguins that squeak), sand pit (with shells, seaweed, bucket and spade), protective dark sunglasses and a booming sun-lamp. A discrete non-alcohol cocktail can also be purchased for a modest fee.

Now should an employee book a temperature which necessitates ice particles quickly coating the walls and floor, then the “Holiday Room” instantaneously initiates the “Mountain Chalet” mode where a spiffy coloured snug fitting ski suit, leather gloves, blazing open fire, thick floor rugs, recycled plastic reindeer and fake fur growling black bears all automatically appear, complete with a micro-mist of delightfully fragrant pine tree odour that majestically permeates the chilled air cooling system. As expected, a discrete non-alcoholic hot toddy is also available, personally delivered by a neutral concierge of your choice.

Of course, there is an array of many other creative options available for the “Holiday Room” depending on the variety of tastes and cultures of the employees residing in your corporate office.

How many employees can occupy a “Holiday Room” at the same time? A good question, but owing to some very wise preventative corporate HR policies, the answer is only one. If you require a room with more than one occupant, then it is suggested that you explore other options well away from the office, and on your own time.

Now if your office doesn’t yet have a “Holiday Room”, fortunately there is a simple solution. That being, Ask.

It just feels so Good!

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It just feels so good! Yes, it’s that glorious sensation you experience when eagerly opening that pristine door for the very first time as your nose is gleefully engulfed with those joyous automotive wofts associated with that new car interior. The exciting mood continues as you place your eagerly awaiting bottom into that virgin seat with the knowledge that you are indeed the first. You run your hands in a circular motion, anticlockwise, then clockwise, as you gingerly grip the steering wheel with each of your probing fingers where you slowly discover every notch and groove. Out on the road, you smile with snug satisfaction as all parts of the car work in harmonious unison as you carefully navigate the surrounding traffic with a self-imposed mode of cautious stealth. The feeling lasts for an unmeasured while, and then without notice, unfortunately, stops. You have now reached the stage of habitual blaséness where that initial feeling of excitement has regrettably diminished into nothingness. It’s now just a car.

Many an innovative organisation initially commence their operations with that “new car feeling”, but alas, over time, and particularly with success, that blasé nonchalant state gradually permeates throughout the structure leading to creative stagnation. So, what’s the solution?

Think of that car again, but this time focus on all the scheduled, and the occasional unplanned maintenance that is required to keep it humming in a state of perpetual driving bliss. This can take the form of mechanical, structural or aesthetic adjustments, all are required, and need ongoing investment, otherwise it ends up doomed on the scrap heap soon to be forgotten.

Innovation needs ongoing investment to stimulate and maintain the creative machinations of the business. All departments working in the organisation need to finely tuned, continually aligned, and supplemented with that combustible spark of ideation, otherwise it will slowly come to a resistant state of undesirable lethargy. However, sometimes an organisation needs to trade in the old ways of doing business and upgrade to a newer and more inspirational model. If so, don’t be scared to let your employees experience that wonderful new car smell, particularly as some of the newer ones may have never savoured that joy, and those longer serving ones, well, they may need a strong nasal refresher!

So if you want to maintain that ongoing pleasant innovation woft in your business, make sure you keep it well maintained and stimulated, otherwise, you might as well get a horse and get used to a slower, and rather more odorous form of reduced creativity.

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