Personnel Staffing Tailor

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In the days of yesteryear, hiring a new employee was fraught with numerous uncertainties and typically required the service of a professional recruiter. The process was timing consuming, costly, and usually involved ploughing through an endless list of CVs, countless interviews, tedious salary negotiations, a job offer, a period of probation, and then finally, if you were lucky, you had a useful new member of staff. If not, you were then back to the start, absent your time, dollars and the few remaining hairs from your quickly balding head.

Enter the role of your Personnel Staffing Tailor (PST). Yes, as the name suggests, this is a new addition to the recruiting business, and one that guarantees 100% corporate satisfaction, complete with a lifetime warranty on your new hire. Your risk, zero.

Now that I have your interest, I’m sure that you will want to quickly utilise the service of your nearest PST. How? Simple. Just ask Siri.

By adhering to Siri’s detailed instructions, you should now be about to enter the business abode of your PST. Don’t be shy, just open the door and go in, even-though it looks like a high-end tailor’s shop. Once inside, you will be greeted by a person that has a welcoming appearance, and one that makes you feel completely relaxed and comfortable. Which, they should do on all occasions for every prospective buyer, as they have been matched to your individual personality requirements to ensure you complete corporate shopping ease. Yes, they are a fashionably dressed humanoid, fully equipped with a remarkedly superior artificial intelligence.

Once seated in a perfectly fitting leather viewing chair, together with any nourishment that you desire at that point in time, your charming PST will ask you to list the full personality traits, qualifications, experience, gender and physical appearance that you require with your new hire.

Equipped with the completed list, your PST will now mix and match your potential new employee via a meticulous arrangement of humanoid features and downloaded artificial intelligence Apps (just like the Apple App Store) to fulfil all your business requirements. Once done, your new employee will quietly sit down next to you awaiting your approval.

So, what are the additional benefits associated with using the services of a PST?

  • Should the employee’s role change in the future, just refresh their accumulated Apps, or download additional ones as required for a modest fee. Your PST will have a stock of all the latest fashionable ones!
  • Your new employee will never need sick leave, annual leave, lunch or coffee breaks.
  • Their hours of work are 24 hours, they don’t abide by the restrictive 9-5 regime.
  • They speak, read and write all languages, even the rarest of dialects.
  • They have a work ethic that perfectly matches your corporate culture.
  • Their clothing attire is never dull and always an inspiration to others in the corporate office.

But, one word of caution, just in case you didn’t read the fine print on the PST contract. You boss has the right to match you with the equivalent AI humanoid, so don’t be surprised if your tenure is limited. But, as they say, that’s progress!

 

Too Hot in the Office?

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Outside, the temperature is a whopping 48 degrees Celsius (118F). Thankfully, those working in the corporate office are happily benefiting from a massive air-conditioner that is steadily pumping out a chilled air woft that ensures optimum employee comfort.

But what if the prized air-conditioning unit should randomly fail without any thermal warning? For those of you that are the Office Safety Warden, on your list of significant staffing impact problems and threats, this one ranks well above fire, floods, or running out of coffee (well, maybe not the last one).

Thankfully, the Federal Directorate of Office Work has developed a Hot Employee Management Plan (HEMP) that provides a readily followed process that will quickly extinguish the unwelcome heat malady that could potentially engulf those hard working employees, and keep any “hot under the collar” tempers well subdued.

1. Remove Clothing
Step 1 is the most logical and most easily enforced, but this step will require the initial distribution of a CEO approved HR Policy, signed by all employees, so that each person knows just what level of clothing can be removed without causing any offence, or embarrassment .

2. Pedal Power
Most progressive offices have a desk equipped with a pedal powered fan that is situated under the employee’s desk that can be readily activated when required. For those employees that are a tad lazy, I’m sure you will be able to readily motivate a colleague to pedal your fan with the right financial incentive so all needs are met.

3. Mobile Phone
It is common for most employees to travel to work by car. This Step encourages employees to sit in their air-conditioned cars and then join any urgent business meetings via a conference call utilising their mobile phone. However, as Safety Warden, before you recommend this solution, please ensure that there is a strong exhaust fan in the underground carpark. If not, you may be facing another problem that could be much more serious.

4. Changing Clothes
Those colleagues in a tailored suit should be quickly encouraged to replace their long woollen trousers with shorts, or a kilt, thereby allowing that wanted air-flow relief.
For additional information:  Claim your Pantaloon Freedom

5. Holiday Room
For those employees lucky enough to work for a progressive organisation that has a “Holiday Room” located in their corporate office, all is good, as each worker can readily book some desirable cooling time at the “beach or the snow”.
For additional information: Holiday Room

But, should all the above Steps fail to provide the requisite temperature relief, then Step 6 should be immediately implemented to ensure the short-term protection of your workforce. That being, invoke a mass office evacuation which commands all employees to go home, thereby removing them from your legal responsibility!

You should then instantaneously adhere to the little known Step 7 (restricted to Office Safety Warden’s only), which requires you to go to the pub and have a nice cold beverage (or two), and with time, you will quickly forget all about the subject of air-conditioning! And remember, tomorrow is another day, and with it, there will hopefully be lots of rain.

 

The Holiday Room

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I must admit I felt a tad apprehensive to be lying semi-naked in my allocated room in the corporate office, but thankfully the door was firmly shut so no one could come in and spy me in my non-professional private state of personal relaxation. The temperature warmly caressing my body was a welcome 30 Celsius, outside the climatic elements were a freezing 10 degrees below which quickly alleviated any nanosecond potential thought of partial nudity in that environment.

The booking time remaining before my experience of quiet solace was to come to an abrupt end was indicated by the petite clock on the wall, that being, only 28 minutes. As such, I nonchalantly rolled over and let another part of my tired body savour the “Holiday Room” experience.

Yes, I was working in rather an innovative office where the employee can book a meeting room and escape from the pressures and pain of their stressful daily working regime. These unique office rooms are called “Holiday Rooms” and can be booked like any other meeting room for a one hour period via the employee’s electronic Outlook diary. Why a “Holiday Room”? Well, for those employees that can’t afford to take time off to have a real holiday owing to being deemed too busy, or important, this option provides a welcome interim solution!

How does it work? It’s simple. The employee just has to book the room, and then program the room to their desired temperature. Once selected, the room springs into the corresponding ambient solution mode and immediately sets up the requisite props to make the experience much more meaningful and relaxing.

For those employees that like the heat, once the temperature request had been accepted by the booking system, on arrival they would be pleasantly provided with a comfortable sunbed, a tube of SPF30 sunblock, wading pool (maximum depth of 0.5 metres to ensure no safety incidents, complete with two plastic floating penguins that squeak), sand pit (with shells, seaweed, bucket and spade), protective dark sunglasses and a booming sun-lamp. A discrete non-alcohol cocktail can also be purchased for a modest fee.

Now should an employee book a temperature which necessitates ice particles quickly coating the walls and floor, then the “Holiday Room” instantaneously initiates the “Mountain Chalet” mode where a spiffy coloured snug fitting ski suit, leather gloves, blazing open fire, thick floor rugs, recycled plastic reindeer and fake fur growling black bears all automatically appear, complete with a micro-mist of delightfully fragrant pine tree odour that majestically permeates the chilled air cooling system. As expected, a discrete non-alcoholic hot toddy is also available, personally delivered by a neutral concierge of your choice.

Of course, there is an array of many other creative options available for the “Holiday Room” depending on the variety of tastes and cultures of the employees residing in your corporate office.

How many employees can occupy a “Holiday Room” at the same time? A good question, but owing to some very wise preventative corporate HR policies, the answer is only one. If you require a room with more than one occupant, then it is suggested that you explore other options well away from the office, and on your own time.

Now if your office doesn’t yet have a “Holiday Room”, fortunately there is a simple solution. That being, Ask.

Getting the Right Corporate pH Balance

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Understanding a corporate culture is a fishy thing. Just observe any aquarium long enough and you will know exactly what I mean as it all happens in the wet area.

Should a fish habitat not be under control, besides the associated unpleasant odour, there are many other signs signalling that some urgent correction is required.

With all fish, they have the joy of utilising every part of their environment for daily living. In the water they eat, play, mate and happily swim in their own personal discharge without the slightest care for themselves, or consideration for those around them. Now left unhindered, their watery abode soon changes colour and a fine deposit of unsavoury living quickly coats the glass walls, vegetation and sandy undergrowth. In time, many fish will unfortunately perish as they yearn for a new and stimulating environment.

To avoid this disastrous occurrence, the aquarium owner has many measuring devices available to them, such as pH, in order to avoid such a regrettable calamity. For those of the HR persuasion, this is analogous to the office motivational survey that is done with unfortunate irregularity.

There are also many types of fish that correlate closely with the personality profiles of those in the corporate office. There are the bottom feeders that happily delve down to the depths of the tank where they make a comfortable living from the discarded offerings from those working diligently above them. There are the sharks that dart about in an aggressive manner looking for any opportunity to be top fish. Little fish also nimbly manoeuvre the unfrequented water corridors in search of discrete jobs that need to be accomplished with strategic gusto.

Now should a new fish enter the aquarium, you will see them quickly adopt the unusual state of motionless as the try to surreptitiously acclimatise to the foreign water temperature before swiftly swimming off to a hiding location where they can determine who’s who in the eating order.

Now the key life-giving ingredient that all aquarium species must have is oxygen, as without it, their watery home rapidly turns into an unsavoury swamp. In the corporate office, this oxygenated requirement is known as innovation.

So, for all the HR Managers reading this blog post, you now know what you need to do to ensure that your office happily bubbles with continual employee enthusiasm. Yes, you need to repeatedly measure the corporate motivational pH and make any requisite cultural adjustments in order to achieve the right balance. Innovation is also a must, as without it, your employees will become lifeless and disengaged. By following these simple methods of fish hygiene, you can then sit back and admire your watery handiwork, as it will all percolate away just swimmingly.

Personality Woofs

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Lots and lots of dogs. If you have ever frequented Central Park in New York, this will be the first thing that you will see. Regardless of the weather, there are dogs literally everywhere! And yes, what they say is indeed true, the dogs do undeniably mimic the appearance of their owner.

Now this provides a somewhat interesting clue for any HR Managers reading this blog post. Forget your expensive Myers Briggs Personality Profiles as there is now a much more cost effective and completely reliable process for classifying the temperament traits of your employees. The process? Just take your employees to a large enclosed park, add a vast array of dog breeds, then simply let the dogs go to work. All you now need to do is, watch and learn.

The Lazy Employee
Now you may think that this employee would be the most difficult one to match with a dog? But no, they are the easiest, as when they arrive in the park, they quickly plonk themselves down on the grass and swiftly fall asleep. The Newfoundland dog loves a plump human pillow and will slowly make their way over to the employee and snuggle up to the motionless slumbering body with complete lethargic satisfaction. (This is personality Match 1).

The Innovative Employee
This employee loves a challenge and will quickly traverse the park looking wisely at all the dog breeds. They will engage in a range of ball throwing and strategically selected tricks hoping to outwit the dog with their own creativity. However, after a lengthy examination period, they will ultimately bond with the Australian Shepherd, a dog of many colours and personalities. (Match 2).

The Intelligent Employee
This will be the employee that has a studious and permanently furrowed brow on their pained face as they wander up and down the concrete walkways as they take copious observation notes. After a few exhausting ambling hours, they will eventually sit on a quiet bench with their frustrated heads in their hands owing to the large number of dog choices that has completely bamboozled their intellect. Little did they know that they have now surreptitiously entered the perfect dog domain of the Border Collie who will sniff out this sense of human puzzlement and will offer an enduring personality alliance. (Match 3)

The Happy Employee
This is easy, they will quickly be engulfed with an abundant number of frolicking friendly Labradors of all colours, sizes and ages. (Match 4).

The Psychopath Employee
Their only link to the dogs will be the numerous poo bags that they carry as no dog will want to go near them. These dogs know that, once bitten, twice shy. (Match 5).

Now not all employees will be a perfect match to the 5 dog profiles listed above. But relax as that’s not a problem owing to the large number of cross-breeds that impeccably cater for every human individual.

So next time you walk in New York’s Central Park, stop and carefully look at the dogs and their owners, and all will be woofingly revealed.

Handling the Office Bully

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For those of you that have a bully in your office, now is the perfect opportunity for you to practice some innovative diversionary tactics that will quickly annoy the lifeblood out of the targeted individual.

The bully is a person that constantly seeks attention, so make sure that you give it to them, but not in the way that they are expecting to receive it. This is the beauty of having a well-practised innovative mindset that has been honed via years of experience working in the corporate office.

As with all bullies, once they feel that their psychopathic behaviour is no longer being recognised and is now being neutralised by your positive creativity, they will quickly cease their bothersome traits, or will seek employment elsewhere.

The following are some trusted and proven techniques that will get you well underway in handling any bully, regardless of their age, experience, sex, or position of stature in your organisation.

The “Bill or Jill” Technique:
Here you can call the bully any name that you like, as long as it is not their real name (note: although you may want to, expletives are not recommended). Should the bully be a man, call them “Bill” (or a woman, “Jill”), also encourage other work colleagues to follow your lead. After a while the bully will become furious owing to the lack of personal recognition.

The Sunglasses Technique:
All bullies like to see your eyes so they have a ready reckoner on the impact they are having on you, and those around you. By wearing sunglasses in the office you are depriving them of this required visual insight. It also provides you with an opportunity to fall asleep in their presence, however, make sure you don’t snore too loudly.

The Coffee Slurp Technique:
When in a meeting with the bully, make sure that you and your colleagues continually slurp your coffee in unison, or individually. This is a sure way to break the bully’s irritating concentration, particularly if they are the only one that is coffee-less.

The Foreign Language Technique:
Yep, as the name suggests, just talk in a language that the bully doesn’t understand. After an extended period, the bully will feel completely ostracised and will be in need of some urgently required therapy.

Now a word of caution with this innovative technique that you must fully understand and appreciate before you commence your diversionary strategy. With time, you may start to enjoy your newly found lease of innovative freedom where you want to be an ongoing practitioner of bullying diminishment. At this point, you must immediately cease your creative journey as you may indeed be turning into a bully yourself, something you and your fellow colleagues would not want that to ever occur, regardless of how satisfying the experience may seem!

The CEO’s New Clothes

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It was day one of the new CEO’s appointment. A rather traditional dark grey suit, pristine white shirt, black medium length socks, complete with matching leather polished shoes were carefully selected by the incumbent for the momentous occasion. He looked resplendent as he beamingly sat behind his large impressive desk in a voluminous office that just oozed with status and authority. Yes, he was indeed the man!

As the week progressed, all of his direct reports, collectively, and individually, sat opposite him in business attire that directly mirrored his conservative fashion prowess, complete with continual nods of unquestionable beaming loyal approvals.

In a similar manner, their subordinates also quickly followed suit and continued the same fashion replication to the point where each employee now looked like a cloned version of their manager.

Now, the CEO was no fool, in fact, far from it, and a cunning plan of innovation was carefully hatched. From that day forth, he decided to wear the exact same clothes for a month. No item of clothing would be changed, apart from those that respectively should not be mentioned.

Over the days and weeks, a certain grubbiness came to gradually prevail over his attire, complete with an ensuing woft of persona that slowly increased with intensity.

He noticed with a somewhat predictable consternation a look of increasing shabbiness now starting to prevail throughout the entire organisation. Those pristine white shirts of his executive team were now witness to numerous blotches of large brown coffee stains, there were accumulated smears from too many self-indulgent lunches and dinners, and the severely wrinkled corporate flannel was now more noticeably beige in colour than white.

At the end of the month, the CEO thankfully wore a fresh set of clothes, and a quiet shout of thankful glee was heard rippling throughout the entire organisation, also from their customers, whose numbers had correspondingly dwindled over the weeks due to a severe lack of attention on their business.

Packaged in the sweet fresh smell of his new clothing attire, the crafty CEO now strategically pondered the learnings from the last four weeks from a perspective of corporate innovation:

  1. An organisation that has a workforce of clones is doomed to fail.
  2. Never mask any prevailing wofts, be they good or bad, that quickly permeate throughout the business as they are a clue that something is indeed amiss.
  3. Never wear the same clothes each day as personal creativity is the source of true innovation.
  4. Surround yourself with loud vocal thinkers, not those that quietly nod in constant agreement.

The following month, a brief memo from the CEO was quickly distributed advising that “a large number of the executive team had unanimously decided to pursue other career interests and that they had now left the building”.

From that day forth a plethora of brightly coloured paisley shirts, bespoke tailored suits, and even the occasional pair of spiffy shorts, were commonly seen thereby ensuring the ongoing innovation success of this particular company.

So should you be a CEO reading this blog post, do take note as the key to innovation does indeed lie within your wardrobe, and that of your employees.

 

The Virtual Innovation Librarian

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Why is it that some people just seem to have an endless plethora of brilliant ideas, whilst others struggle to generate just one? What’s the secret to their phenomenal creative success?

According to an obscure research paper soon to be published at some fictitious Boston University, the answer to these important questions is their illusive access to the highly prestigious, and most definitely secret, Virtual Innovation Librarian (VIT).

Respected sources advise that the VIT is an artificially intelligent imaginary persona that surreptitiously captures your unconscious thoughts when you are in mental state of slumber, or equivalent corporate boredom. The key requirement being, complete and total mindlessness. For those of you working in the corporate office, just think of all that untapped potential that lethargically resides in your vast employee database!

As the name suggests, the VIT is the keeper of an almost infinite number of thoughts that are meticulously categorised and indexed via the Dewey Decimal Idea Classification System (DDICS), following which, they are then permanently registered within a 4D electronic virtual depository. The DDICS classifications cover all good, and some of the not so good, ideation sparks of human life, business and various social activities from every person that has ever lived, or is currently alive, from the very first evolutionary stage when women and men decided it was time to think.

No, you don’t need a virtual library card to make a thoughtful withdrawal, the process is indeed much simpler and works via the following ingenious method:

  1. Deeply think of the problem that you want to solve.
  2. Open your mind and allow the VIT to have unrestricted access to all your inner thoughts and desires (some people call this mindfulness, meditation or just being lazy).
  3. The VIT then forages around with gusto in your cluttered mind trying to cross-match your nominated problem with all the other thoughts accumulated in the 4D electronic virtual depository.
  4. If a match is made with your problem, and no other person is wanting to also access that particular thought, you can borrow that idea and claim it as your own.
  5. However, there is a catch. These borrowed thoughts only reside in your mind for a limited time period, so if you don’t check them out and use the idea, you quickly lose the innovative solution (just like the content of a dream when you wake up, and rapidly forget the details).

Is there a charge for using this VIT ideation service?

No, it is complimentary to those individuals that recognise that innovation is an activity that needs to be continually worked, and shared freely amongst your work colleagues, thereby ensuring that there is a constant source of fresh ideas being generated for the future needs of mankind. As that saying goes, “give ideas, that you may receive ideas”.

For those businesses that don’t value innovation, well, the cost of the VIT will be well beyond your financial reserves, so may I suggest that you don’t bother thinking longer term, and just focus on enjoying today as your future is guaranteed to be rather uncertain.

Seek the Buzz

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It is said that the taste of success is sweet, but it is the culmination of a great deal of tireless organizational movement, just like that found in a beehive. In fact, business can learn a great deal from the sticky activities of the humble bee.

The CEO, or “Queen Bee” establishes the colony and sets the direction and longevity for its future. However, if the Queen Bee gets a tad tired and lacks the support of the total bee population, the hive will swarm and the the life of the CEO bee will indeed become short lived.

Some General Managers are like “Drones” where they happily lounge about in a state of privilege where others do their work and continually feed them with inspiration. However, their prestigious life is short lived because once they have done the “deed” with the Queen and are no longer required, they are quickly made redundant and their functions are absorbed into the food chain of the colony as a legacy for its long term sustenance.

The majority of employees are the “Worker Bees” of the business who keep the financial entity fully buzzing in a state of harmonious order, and with a continual influx of much needed inspiration from the outside market.

Occasionally “The Board” comes along and smokes out the business via regular inspections to ensure the hive is operating effectively. Any areas of concern are swiftly removed awaiting the required correction, which may be a new Queen Bee.

The output from the business is deemed “honey” which can be sold to the market for cash where it is used as a core ingredient to drive recipes of innovation in a range of applications.

Occasionally pests and other undesirable vermin may try and infiltrate the hive. Should they be successful, they are like a virus that is difficult to eliminate. Hence the need for a trusty IT guard at the hive entrance to keep those classified as unwelcome well and truly away.

So to achieve a meaningful buzz in your corporate office, it is important to make sure that every employee knows their strategic role in the honeycomb structure. And should one bee, regardless of their stature hierarchy, flap their wings out of the requisite corporate vibration, they will quickly encounter a rather unsavoury end to their corporate career. For others, life will be blissfully delicious.

 

The “Proof Level”

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What do alcohol and innovation have in common? The “Proof Level”.

Those connoisseurs of the occasional, or even the frequent, alcoholic beverage would be familiar with the concept of %-proof which indicates the alcohol content by volume. For example, 100-proof whisky contains 50% alcohol. The higher the alcoholic content, the more “oomph” in the beverage.

Just like a good whisky, a culture of innovation can be determined in the corporate office by measuring its proof level, which is known by many leading behavioural psychologists as the “IPL” (aka Innovation Proof Level).

For those companies that have a dynamic and highly stimulating innovation culture, they would be nearing the 100-IPL mark where at least 50% of their employees are deemed as being creative. A business that scores a 50-IPL, only a quarter of their staff have what it takes to drive and support their culture of innovation. For those with 0-IPL, alas, we are typically talking about the public service.

So what are the pros and cons associated with a high IPL organisation?

  • The employees are found to be very friendly and seem to happily interact, albeit some may occasionally step over the line with respect to the acceptable HR behavioural guidelines
  • New concepts are readily accepted with minimal resistance, although some may be regretted the following day
  • Corporate dress standards may become a tad shabby, particularly near 5 PM
  • Some employees may seek opportunities for quiet slumber at their desk, or discretely under it, complete with a corporate logo emblazoned pillow, blanket and bright light filtering face-mask

Similarly, for those working in an antiquated establishment where a 0-IPL commonly prevails?

  • An inability to pick up the phone until at least the 20th ring
  • A slurring of words ensuring that the customer gives up with feeling of frustration
  • A late start in the morning, complete with an early finish owing to a constant headache
  • A monotone speech pattern with a large lack of enthusiasm

So for those of you thirsting for innovation, the remedy is to have a large corporate glass filled to the brim with a refreshing 100-IPL content beverage.  However, make sure that you consume it slowly in order to avoid unwanted creative side effects that may linger long into the following morning.

Cheers!

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