The Ageless Solution

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I had to read the headline twice, but there it was in large bold font on page one in the United Nations Bulletin of Medicine.

“THE EFFECTS OF AGEING, SOLVED”.

Now, who could pass up reading that article? So, I carefully placed my well-worn pince-nez glasses on my ever-increasing sun Australian freckled nose and strained to read the words with an ever expectant, and most hopeful personal self-preservation interest.

After a few minutes, I had finished reading it and thoughtfully leaned back in my well-worn comfy leather chair and placed my cupped hands on the back of my bald head to fully comprehend the intriguing solution presented. Yes, it all made perfect sense, and I, like all the other mature aged readers of this article, quickly went to the Apple App Store and downloaded the answer.

What’s so special about this article you may ask? The article explains that “AGE”, is really an acronym for the “Accumulated Gravitational Effects” on the human body.

Accumulated:
As the years pass, the human brain accumulates an ever-increasing amount of useless and redundant information. Those thoughts that are deemed particularly useful to our survival remain permanently lodged deep within the nodes of the brain; those that aren’t, are quickly and effortlessly removed. With time, these discarded thoughts permeate to certain parts of the body that humans typically associate with getting old. For instance, in men, the classic depositories for wasteful thoughts are in the ear lobes, nose, chin and stomach, all of which seem to gradually elongate, droop or expand. In women, similar elongations occur in other parts of the body which some may try and alleviate via various medical procedures involving reduction, lifting, or tucks.

Gravitational Effects:
Put simply, this is body sag! Need I say anymore?

So what’s this App that you can download from the Apple Store? Well, it’s an “anti-AGE” App that requires you to reverse the polarity of the battery in your iPhone in order to use it. Once installed, you place your earplugs gently into your ageing ear canals and the App automatically initiates the process of unwanted thought purgification. The experience is quite painless, the only sensation being a tingling in your saggy body bits as they slowly change back to their youthful appearance.

So next time you visit your grandparents in the Aged Care Facility and you see them all pretending to listen to music on their iPhones, maybe check the polarity of the battery as I’m sure they all tuned in to the “anti-AGE” App! If so, in a couple of months, maybe bring a photograph with you of when they were twenty years younger as you may not recognise the new youthful them!

“White Rabbit” Behaviour

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According to a recent and widely acclaimed behavioural study, one of the biggest killers of innovation in the corporate office is the effect known as “White Rabbit” disease. Once a business is infested with this potent virus, it quickly spreads, and is difficult to exterminate without the introduction of a brutal change management regime.

The “White Rabbit” disease gets its name from the fictional character in the book “Alice in Wonderland” (Lewis Carroll), where a large white rabbit is seen to be in a continual state of panic, whilst shouting the words “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”

Those employees exhibiting “White Rabbit” behaviour are easily identifiable. They will be the visibly stressed people rushing from meeting to meeting, always running late, and will be constantly letting you know just how busy they are with strong verbal flagellation sighs of self-importance.

If your organisation is deemed to have too many “White Rabbit” sufferers, and should an appropriate course of corrective action not be immediately implemented by a suitably qualified corporate physician, a stock market directive of absolute quarantine may be imposed. A short time later, a quick financial business vaporization will then prevail with irreversible effect.

But there is a simple and effective treatment that can be easily applied to those afflicted with the “White Rabbit” disease, and one which also acts as a long term inoculation for those that don’t yet exhibit any of the symptoms.

The treatment is called “time”. Not just any “time”, but “thinking time”, where the psychological stress and strain of those affected, who believe they have a need to rush in the corporate office, is eliminated from their daily ritual. The habitual application of “thinking time” leads to the development of a creative thought which tends to free the poor suffer of all anxiety, which apparently has a direct causal link with the onset of “White Rabbit” disease.

Repeated applications of the treatment also appears to fortify the organization’s resistance to the affliction with lasting effect, as their employee’s ability to think creatively is reinforced, and in due course, may even lead to the encouraging signs of innovation.

So the answer is clear. When the first indications of “White Rabbit” disease become apparent, be swift with the copious application of “thinking time”, before it is too late!

 

The Battle of the Left and the Right

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And so the tussle starts, yet again, as my daily morning alarm triggers the conscious awakening between my two better halves. The barrage of questions are initiated, and rebuffed, as both sides of me begin the battle for short term body dominance. At the end of the day, my internal scoreboard signifies a winner, but there is only one victor, that being me. Yes, after years of mind training, I have finally mastered my own unique and personal source of creativity. But, we all have this innate ability, we just need to let the dynamics of our left and right brain thought processes engage in mutually beneficial conflict for assured perpetual self-development.

All of us have experienced the continuous battles within our own individual minds, either consciously of perhaps subconsciously. These intellectual disagreements may come in a variety of guises, such as the choice between eating a healthy breakfast, or alternatively choosing a full fat one with all the delicious trimmings, others could be habitually shaving your face in the morning without question (yes, I’m assuming you are male), or challenging the status quo and electing to go with that fashionable facial stubicular appearance.

Now it just so happens that there is an important section of “mass” within your brain that operates centrally between the left and right spheres, and this location is the strategic source of all your innovation. This is the battlefield where your mathematical and creative ideas have a virtual punch up and fight for the opportunity to implement their personalized wishes over your actions. However, you, as the owner of this battlefield, need to be tactically clever to ensure that both sides have an equal chance of winning. Should one brain side win a tad too often it will become a little bit too cocky, alternatively, the other side may become demoralized and could give up trying to play the mind game and a dangerous state of imbalance will prevail. Should this occur, this is where negative personality issues may become evident which could lead to a variety of unwanted and socially unacceptable psychological problems within the owner.

So next time you have the sensation of feeling a debate of choice within your mind, relax, all is ok, it’s just your brain engaging in some power play between the left and the right sections. But do make sure that they play fair thereby ensuring that you reap the ongoing rewards of your personal innovation.

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