All posts tagged humour

That Bushy Benefit

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At the age of 61, Dame Chloe Smythe DCVO, MP decided it was finally time to retire. She was an acclaimed Scottish politician with a unique personal attribute that was very rare these days in public office, that being, everyone seemed to genuinely like her, and still even more unusual, they actually respected her.

As a lifelong friend of Dame Chloe, I had the privilege and honour of interviewing her in her private Westminster office on her last day as a British politician. She was dressed impeccably in her signature body hugging tartan trousers, complete with white satin long sleeved shirt, as she invited me to sit down in one of her well-worn leather chairs and promptly poured me a large glass of Edradour whisky (neat, no ice, as was her custom).

After some polite warming banter, my friend signalled with the customary tweak of the top undone button on her shirt that she was ready for the interview to commence, to which I took my cue.

“Dame Chloe, the readers of The Times newspaper want to know the core essence of why you are so popular with your political colleagues on both sides of the fence? You appear to have only supporters, no enemies? What is your secret?”

After many hours of polite and honest conversation that enabled the full contents of the bottle of Edradour to be consumed, I was educated on the true source of her niceness. However, the origin was most unexpected. I thought it might have been due to her ever-pleasing manner, her dark blue seductive eyes that neither man, nor woman could resist, but no, it was none of these. So what was it you may ask?

The answer was in her eyebrows. Yes, her eyebrows.

Dame Chloe was a ladies lady. She was not one to trim, nor style the hairs above her eyes; they were allowed to propagate with a growth freedom not normally reserved for a woman. Dame Chloe was also very quick to condemn men for the grooming edict that swayed them to similarly trim their eyebrows.

According to a slightly known study done at Glasgow University in 1923, a soon to be famous Research Psychologist named Dougal Edradour, discovered that eyebrow hairs have an inherent sensory ability that can “read” people’s emotions. However, this capability only works when the other person is in close proximity, and only when the emotion reader’s eyebrows are in a natural, uncorrupted hairy condition. Chloe and Dougal were close whisky drinking colleagues in their student days, hence the connection.

Dame Chloe’s prowess was in being able to utilise her eyebrows to read how her political opponents were feeling, and then to modify her behaviour accordingly. It was no wonder she was so well liked! But, this was no easy feat, particularly as she needed to be in a close eyebrow receptivity distance, to which she used her charms accordingly to masterly effect.

So dear readers of The Times newspaper, the answer is simple. Should you want to improve your empathetic ability with your family and work colleagues, just leave your eyebrows alone, let them flourish to their natural, thick bushiness ability.

 

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by Steven Cramer on April 7, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on April 7, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/04/07/that-bushy-benefit/

The Eyes of Electronic Stimulation

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The E-mail designated “High Priority” in large red font from the HSE Director arrived in my Inbox at exactly 5 PM. It advised all employees that tomorrow was going to be an “Electronic Free Day”. I, and my fellow work colleagues, read the following safety directive as stipulated with keen interest.

Attention All Staff,

Owing to a dramatic increase in the number of deteriorating eyesight complaints derived from employee’s continually using work computers, iPhones, iPads and other electronic visual stimulators, we have been advised by our insurance underwriters that we have now reached the maximum number of optical claims allowed for this year.

As such, we have decided to mitigate this corporate eyeball risk by announcing that every Wednesday will now be deemed an “Electronic Free Day” (EFD), commencing tomorrow.

The IT department has been advised to implement an unconditional electricity supply freeze on all computer assets which will be effective between the hours of 8 AM to 5 PM.

When arriving at work, please place all personal smartphone devices, tablets, kindles, and other such like into the nominated collection baskets as advised by the Safety Wardens. Any refusal will result in immediate dismissal.

At your workstation, each employee will be greeted with a pen (complete with ink), writing paper (devoid of any words) that are to be used to capture any creative thoughts that may be generated during the work day. For those staff that may have forgotten how to use these work implements, a special tutorial has been scheduled in the auditorium at 9 AM.

On your desk, you will also find a personalised information sheet that provides some suggested finger exercises to ensure that no repetitive strain injuries (RSI) occur, please take a moment to familiarise yourself with the movements.

We value your eye safety, particularly as it will reduce our insurance premiums.

The management team thanks you for your understanding and optical conformance, so together, our business future will be visually bright.

Regards

HSE Director

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by Steven Cramer on February 13, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 13, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/02/13/eye-protection-policy/

“Bicycletic” Benefits

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Recently I joined the globally popular group of two wheeled self-propelled transportation riders commonly known as cyclists. As I sojourned along the picturesque bike paths of Melbourne that are strategically divorced from the motorised road system, I observed numerous behaviours in my fellow riders that have direct application and benefit in the corporate office.

Leadership
As a cyclist, you are indeed master of your own destiny. There is no point following the person riding in front of you, regardless of how attractive and cute that rear view may be, as this will only result in you reaching their goal, not yours. However, if you are happy being a follower, and not a leader, then make sure you enjoy the ride!

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
Yes, there are many needs in this hierarchy, but to me, the most applicable and important one relates to the Physiological. After many hours propped vertically on your bike, bottom comfort is a mandatory requirement and a padded seat needs to be a pre-requisite. If not, walking, and other forms of social interaction in the corporate office following the riding experience becomes most awkward and potentially embarrassing.

Status
Riders need to dress for success and to portray that perceived professional appearance of looking like they know what they are doing, regardless of whether they actually have no “bicycletic” clue. Here’s where a stunning riding outfit embellishing the appropriate corporate logo, complimented with an equally expensive road bike with all the latest GPS navigational gadgetry becomes a necessity.

Emotional Control
Being polite and courteous in the corporate office is a must for any manager, regardless of how annoying and frustrating your colleagues may be. Similarly, an emotional outburst at a fellow rider, or daydreaming pedestrian, that gets in your way should not be tolerated. However, for that selfish pompous cyclist that stopped suddenly in front of me yesterday as you answered your mobile phone, I do not apologise for my verbal onslaught as it was absolutely warranted! (yes, you know who you are!)

Safety
All cyclists fully understand that they are smaller than a car and that when it comes to a clash of momentum, they will come a most definite second. HSE guidelines demand that a suitable helmet be placed correctly on your head, regardless of how it may impact your hairstyle. But, there is a place and a time for the use of your bell, and protocol dictates a subtle delicate ring when approaching and passing a slower rider, or walking hazard. But, a high frequency of bell ringing is just annoying and may lead to you being ostracised by your bike path community.

So next time you are experiencing the pleasurable joy of the sound of wind rushing over bike helmet, let your mind wander a little as you contemplate the above “bicycletic” thoughts. However, shutting your eyes to increase your concentration will have a negative side effect and may negate any corporate benefit.

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by Steven Cramer on February 6, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 6, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/02/06/bicycletic-benefits/

The Isle of Creativia

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As you fly over the Pacific Ocean at 25,000 feet in the luxurious comfort of your First Class fully reclined leather seat number 1A, the furthest thing from your mind would be the existence of the small county of Creativia located far below. In the time taken for you to scoff your second mouthful of that exquisite, and most decadent, 1951 Penfolds Grange Hermitage, the air turbulence from your plane would have only just tenderly kissed the peaktop of Creativia’s highest mountain. But then again, how could you know that in 20 years from now, Darwin’s Theory of Evolution would prevail, and that you, and all your fellow business travellers that you typify, will then be quite literally extinct. Yes, an unplanned catastrophic business event will exterminate all those corporate organisations that are deemed not up to the required survival standard of innovation and creativity. The result will be the survival of the business fittest, and these individuals will only be the fortunate inhabitants of Creativia.

The origins of Creativia goes back to the early 1960s, when an unknown mutant variant of the human DNA, just happened to form simultaneously by a remarkable freak of nature in many leading industrial countries around the world. Those born with this undetectable and unique gene condition grew up with a distinctively different view of life, business and mankind’s role and place in this earthly environment. For these select individuals, “the glass was always full”, they saw things with a continually positive and optimistic perspective as everything they did was based on an underlying theme of innovation.

These individuals from a very early age immediately understood that they were different from the common populous, and as they grew older and more business savvy, they nonchalantly started to meet surreptitiously in hidden boutique coffee shops around the world. Here they repeatedly tried to quench their endless thirst for creative stimulation with high doses of caffeine in an attempt to satisfy their enduring innovation habits and urges. However, their individual ESP insights warned them of a greater impending creative doom that would soon engulf the business world leading to the complete obliteration of the corporate world as they, and as we, knew it. Like a homing pigeon on a lifelong mission of creative destiny, each of them were mysteriously led by some unknown personal and instinctive force to a small deserted and entirely hidden island, rich in natural resources and copious cash reserves. As the years progressed, these inhabitants waxed strong into a diverse and mighty culture of creative thought. Then, when the time was just right, they as pioneering Creative Ambassadors of Thought, journeyed from Creativia to seek out new and impoverished businesses to rectify the time consuming wrongs of many out-dated CEOs and corporate Executives.

—— 

Twenty years later, it did indeed happen. Looking back, it was a slow, potent, and highly lethal cultural virus that with time took hold and eventually killed the corporate world due to a lack of futuristic and insightful thinking. CEOs from all around the world together fell on their business swords and bleated their proclaimed selfishness in focussing on short-term financial goals and not the longer wellbeing of their corporate organisations. But alas, it was all too late. 

Long live Creativia! 

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by Steven Cramer on February 5, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 5, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/02/05/the-isle-of-creativia/

The Power of Paisley

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In 1969, 400,000 people attended a music festival on a green dairy farm in New York state. This event was to be immortalised emotionally in history as “Woodstock”. It captured the attention of the world for its music, illicit drugs and some “other communal people bonding activities”. Those who participated, say, that it was one of the most memorable events of their lives. It also made an enduring impact on subsequent generations that many other music festivals have tried to emulate, but without the same impact.

But according to an obscure newspaper article recently discovered in the 1970 archives of the now defunct “New York Advertiser”, the origin of the creative power supposedly unleashed on the unsuspecting youth at Woodstock, actually had its roots in another fashion phenomenon that was prevalent in that decade. The journalist involved apparently conducted extensive research by frequenting many then hip social establishments in New York, London, Paris and even in Melbourne. Unfortunately, this person cannot be contacted as they died of some mysterious illness, possibly as a side-effect of immersing themselves a little too much into the vices of that period. However, thankfully their factual legacy of research has again been unearthed.

After months of correlating interviews, notes, photographs, and other intense mind-bending observations, this brilliant journalist made a key psychedelic discovery that had swirling colours linked to its fundamental core. Yes, the research all lead to one insightful cause, that being the fabric paisley. If you have ever looked attentively at paisley, you will quickly succumb to that hypnotic effect where your eyes start to lose focus, followed by a sense of cross-eyed related dizziness that slowly, and involuntary, incapacitates the observer.  Those at Woodstock, incorrectly linked this perceived clumsy behaviour on the influence of various drug cocktails, but this was indeed an error in scientific fact.

Now for those of you working in the corporate office, take note as a powerful source of creativity has just been revealed. The answer is indeed simple and only requires your fellow employees to adorn a fashionable shirt, suit, skirt or sock tailored in this remarkable paisley fabric. But a word of caution is indeed required. Should your co-workers appear a tad too jolly at the end of the working day, relax, as you don’t need to promptly invoke your drug and alcohol policies, rather, just ask them to take off the offending item of clothing and the inappropriate behaviour will immediately cease.

Yes, it’s just the Power of Paisley.

 

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by Steven Cramer on February 3, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on February 3, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/02/03/the-power-of-paisley/

Dirt IS Good

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An office colleague of mine was trying to convey the attributes of infrequent showering as a benefit to the environment, and her body, after reading an article in a leading Australian newspaper*. My altruistic persona understood the associated advantages with water and soap conservation, and for that individual sacrifice I was indeed grateful. However, I must admit that I was struggling to find common agreement with the potential impact on her personal hygiene and that unique, and highly distinctive human odourfication.

That night, whilst driving home in my air-conditioned clean car cocooned from all external negative atmospheric influences, I thought objectively about my colleague, and I came to the conclusion that Dirt was actually a very good thing, particularly for the process of fostering innovation in the corporate office. No, I’m not suggesting for a moment that a dirty unwashed body should be encouraged, particularly as I am still a strong believer in the virtues of daily ablutions, but I am purporting the advantages of having a “dirty mind”, one that is openly shared and encouraged amongst all employees.

Now for all of you that do have a “dirty mind”, immediately stop, go no further with your thought processes!  When I use the term “dirt”, I mean; mud, soil or clay….yes, that Dirt.

In the corporate office, there are many ideas generated, some great, others, well, not so great. However, many of these hypothetically brilliant ideas experience a relatively short creative life that quickly evaporate before they can be progressed to a state of potential future commercial benefit.

Think of a plant that needs time to cultivate roots in dirt from which it obtains the necessary nutrients for growth. If it is left unprotected without the life giving benefits of soil, it soon withers and dies. Similarly, your thoughts require a “dirty mind” to take hold, grow and develop. Here the “dirty mind” is your business culture and it needs to be one that is rich in a variety of ideas that support these fragile seeds of creative thought. Should your business be lacking the “Dirt” and be more like an arid desert where endless restrictive procedures prevail, then innovation has no hope of developing.

Yes, Dirt is good and a “dirty mind” should indeed be encouraged.

* http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/how-often-should-we-shower-much-less-often-than-you-think-20150310-140487.html

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by Steven Cramer on January 30, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on January 30, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/01/30/dirt-is-good/

Commandments for Casual Friday Attire

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According to the Originator of all corporate knowledge, “In the beginning was the Office, and the Office was with The Employee, and the Office was Innovation”.

And the Originator provided The Employee with 4 days of boring corporate attire. But on the 5th day, the Originator decreed that Innovation would prevail. This 5th day, The Originator named “Casual Friday” and it was announced to all the Office, and it became Law.

I’m sure all those involved in the corporate office have memorised these wise and trusted verses from the Book of Business. But do you really put it into practice?

In my role as Director of Thought Creation in the Faculty of Fictional Innovative Fashion at some soon to be developed leading university, I have made extensive detailed nanosecond studies on the creative benefits of “Casual Friday” for The Employee, and for the Originator.

Firstly, the Originator would be displeased by the study findings, as The Employee is not generally demonstrating the term “casual” in it’s purest form.

A Google search of the word “casual” states, “clothes or shoes suitable for everyday wear rather than formal occasions”. So why is it that so many employees in the corporate office have difficulties following these revered verses from the Book of Business? Is it because they are non-believers of the corporate faith? No, I don’t think this is the case, as many employees will attempt to accommodate the required mindset change on the day of 5, but their attempts seem to have been misguided, or mysteriously corrupted, by some negative forces outside their control?

But relax and take heed as corporate salvation is at hand for those that have their ears, minds, and clothing wardrobes open, and are fully receptive. All The Employee needs to do is to follow these simple and easily understood 10 Commandments of Attire to attain the mental state of “Casual Friday” wellbeing.

  1. Thou shalt not wear a business suit, skirt or dress.
  2. No black shoes will adorn your feet.
  3. Thou shalt not wear any clothing item branded with the Corporate Logo
  4. Thou shalt not covet thy colleague’s clothes
  5. Thou shalt not wear the same clothes that you wore the week before
  6. Thou shalt honour a colleague that wears a bow-tie
  7. Thou shalt turn the cheek when a tartan kilt is worn
  8. Thou shalt not take the word Fashion in vain
  9. Thou shalt wear clothes as no public nudity is allowed
  10. Thou shalt enjoy this day, think differently and experience an innovative thought

By adhering to these Commandments of Attire, the Originator will be pleased, and The Employee will be rewarded with days 6, and 7, officially allocated for rest and recreation.

Amen

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by Steven Cramer on January 9, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on January 9, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/01/09/commandments-for-casual-friday-attire/

The Joy of Male Stubicular Freedom

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It happens every morning, and is particularly accentuated following a long weekend, or an extended period of annual leave. It’s when men throughout the world have a good hard look at themselves in the mirror, sigh loudly with despair, and then initiate that reluctant deed of mass facial hair follicle removal. Alas, a few minutes later, a corporate looking face peers back at the observer as they prepare themselves for the look, and appearance, that complies to their traditional business standards of grooming acceptance.

Let’s stop for a moment and analyse just what’s actually going on here as this facial “stubicular” growing experience is not what it first seems to the onlooker, particularly for those that are female. No, it’s not an act of corporate rebellion, nor another demonstration of male laziness. It is a feeling that men of all ages immediately relate to, sacredly cherish, and have done so since the age of time when the first hair remarkably sprouted from their noble chin. Rather, it is an innate psychological behaviour that typifies the fundamental essence of being a man which is commonly unleashed when relaxing in a non-work environment.   

But, it is more than this, it is a unique masculine feeling that is directly proportional to a man’s sense of creativity and innovation. University studies of some yet to be published academic research, will undoubtedly affirm that when a man frees his mind to think, and to allow ideas to permeate unhindered, his facial hairs have a propensity to grow.

Any Marketing Managers, or HR Managers reading this blog post, please pay attention as the clue to the development of an innovation culture within your company has just been provided. Yes, you need to encourage your male employees to resist the urge to shave. They should be encouraged to grow moustaches, beards and portray long side-burns as “hair fuzz” does indeed equate to innovation. Any advocates of corporate safety will also applaud and support your hairy male decision as the days of facial razor cuts will soon be a unwelcomed sight from the past. So what are you waiting for? As that Nike® slogan says, “Just Do it” so you can quickly reap the furry rewards of creativity.

PS: And should your organization be blessed with menfolk that have a massive hairy chest, well, you are sitting on a copious and hugely under-utilized innovation resource just waiting to be unleashed from their business shirts!

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by Steven Cramer on January 7, 2016  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on January 7, 2016

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2016/01/07/the-joy-of-male-stubicular-freedom/

The Theory of Toe-Show

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There is a little known, yet so very powerful, antique humanistic theory that is the key foundation in the development of creativity in the corporate office.

This theory has been in existence since the time of primitive man, reached its peak during the ancient Greek and Roman eras, and then regrettably, rapidly diminished with the advent of a more mobilised lifestyle and technology. Fortunately, we have all experienced momentary glimpses of its glory when we are imbibed in our unprotected casual or social interactive home state, but it is rarely seen in its natural physical form in the business environment.

For those exclusive individuals that are in the know, it is called the Theory of Toe-Show. Yes, this important theory relates to your feet, more precisely, your naked feet, unprotected by socks, stockings or shoes, but fully bare to the eyes of the world.

As you ponder the machinations of the Theory of Toe-Show, try and visualise yourself arriving home from the corporate office after a long, hard mind-draining day. What is the first thing that you do to alleviate and rectify your highly-strung mental state? Yes, you take your shoes off and introduce your poor bound feet to a world of nakedness and comfort, and typically exclaim an audible sigh of relief at the attainment of extreme personal satisfaction. Your mind quickly appreciates this mental toe showing and immediately responds with an unhindered release of creative thoughts that would never be aired in your corporate state of status quo.

Prior to the advent of shoes, our feet enjoyed a fully naked status as they were gleefully exposed to the full ambience of their geographic surroundings. The Theory of Toe-Show states that there is a direct link between your feet and your innate creativity. The more you cover your feet with shoes (and such-like), the more your mind is masked from the innovative sparks of your native imagination.

Think of the great Greek and Roman philosophers, their military leaders, their extraordinary astronomers, and their other leading and memorable personas. The origin of this creativity was indeed their minimalistic footwear. Yes, they wore sandals, or just wandered around quite content in bare footed bliss, fully aware that this was the source of their creative intelligence.

So next time you are trying to develop a culture of creativity and innovation in your corporate office, the answer is simple. All you need to do is to implement the Theory of Toe-Show and leave your shoes at the office door and many ideas (and potentially some odours) will quickly prevail.

 

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by Steven Cramer on November 24, 2015  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on November 24, 2015

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2015/11/24/the-theory-of-toe-show/

Motivator of Woft

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It’s 3 PM in the corporate office and you are exhibiting all the classic signs of needing a work pick me up. Your eyes are getting tired and extremely bloodshot from looking at that computer screen all day, your bottom is starting to experience the occasional numb spot from sitting on your chair too long, and you are getting that grumpy and frustrated watch observation technique where the passage of time tirelessly slows as it nears 5 PM.

STOP! Don’t walk to the café to get that habitual afternoon long black coffee or soymilk latte, you need the HR approved “Motivator of Woft” (MoW). Yes, after an extensive university-testing regime on many willing (and some unwilling) employees, we are excited to announce the long anticipated market release of the MoW.

This classical motivation enhancement apparatus is fully equipped with the latest features that ensures the wearer total comfort whilst they are happily and constructively stimulated in the corporate office. No longer will your staff want to leave at 5 PM, they will be pleading with you to stay as long as possible, and may even want to make their permanent residence their work desk.

So what exactly is the MoW and how does it work?

The answer is quite simple and has its origins in the sensual excitement methodology that has tantalised many humans throughout the history of man and womankind. The key to the success of the MoW is the human nose. This remarkable facial protrusion is quite a complex and highly intricate odour (or woft) recognition apparatus.

I’m sure that many readers of this blog post will immediately relate to the pleasurable woft of a freshly brewed coffee, sizzling pan-fried bacon, or hot baked bread that has just been taken out of the oven. On smelling these odours, your mind typically awakens with immense delight and pleasure.

This is the key aspect of the MoW and is the strategic driver that ensures its remarkable success. Through the use of a fashionable and tailored facial mask, we have been able to provide the wearer with an endless supply of wofts that can be easily customised for the user. The process is simple. Just place the mask over your face when you require some corporate motivation and then select the woft odour to suit your specific need. Each facial mask comes with a selection dial of ten unique and nostril inspiring fragrances that will entice the wearer. No longer will you need to leave your work desk for that a traditional 3 PM stimulation, the MoW will provide you with all the inspiration you will ever need! And should you get bored with the standard 10 wofts, a bonus 20 woft pack is available for a small additional expense.

Yes, you know you want your own MoW. So what are you waiting for?

For all those blog post readers that respond* to the author in the next 30 minutes, we will provide you with an impressive monogramed MoW that will be the envy of all your colleagues.

Happy corporate office wofting!

*VISA, MC, AMEX and of course lots of cash are happily accepted!

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by Steven Cramer on November 21, 2015  •  Permalink
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Posted by Steven Cramer on November 21, 2015

https://thinkingfuturethoughts.com/2015/11/21/motivator-of-woft/

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