That Collingwood Road Behaviour

Aarne

It was raining heavily and I could just see the black car’s white dull headlights behind me as I was travelling at 105 kilometres/hour along the M1 Motorway. He was tailgating me so closely that I easily observed the agitated, and rather nasty looking facial expression of the aggressive, toothless driver in between the fast swishing movement of his windscreen wipers. I tried to move out of his way, but couldn’t, owing to the heavy traffic congestion in the other lanes, so I just tolerated his unpleasantness for the next minute as he followed in my slipstream.

He flashed his lights, honked his horn and gave me a finger gesture that I presumed was not one of friendship. I just waved back at him, but I don’t think it was appreciated in a positive manner as he responded with additional fist waving and a sneer on his face that was well suited to the most passionate Collingwood* football club supporter.

Finally, he saw a tight opening in an adjacent lane and like a magpie swooped into it without any hesitation. Unfortunately for him, it was a tad too snug, particularly as it was bordered by two large trucks which were startled by his sudden movement that caused the front truck driver to slam on his brakes. My impatient “friend’s” car slammed into the back of the truck at full force leading to chaos for all concerned. Mayhem soon prevailed as the carnage was littered all over the road.

Yes, this is fiction, particularly as those you know me, as I would never travel at 105 kilometres/hour in the fast lane! But, let’s think about this driver’s behaviour from a business perspective.

How many employees in your corporate office follow the same methodology, or route of behaviour, in a stayed and undeviating manner every day? It’s just like that impatient “Collingwood driver” that follows so closely the car in front that they can’t see what obstacles are approaching due to their limited vision of the business journey ahead.

A good driver continually looks out for those frequently changing road conditions and adjusts their speed accordingly. If a major roadblock is identified, they could wait for it to be cleared, but instead they quickly and wisely manoeuvre around it to find a more strategic approach.

Why do most businesses tolerate the lemming employee that just blindly follows those in front of them without any question or thought? Why not encourage a variety of driver skills that can cope and excel in numerous business conditions? Some employees will need to be trained to cope with high speeds, others off road terrains, some the more conservative stop-start city driving, but all of them need to know how to recognise potential danger and the process for steering around it.

So next time you see a driver with that “Collingwood appearance” in your rear view mirror, just let them go past unhindered as they have no idea where they are going, and are regrettably only thinking a few metres in front of their nose (assuming they can see it)!

———

* Collingwood Football Club: http://www.collingwoodfc.com.au/

The Discovery of the “Homo Game-ien”

Historical archaeology excavations at the old Champoeg townsite, Champoeg State Park, Oregon (USA) 1974

From the lofty height of the lectern in the famous ballroom of the Grand Venus Hotel, although partially dazzled by the lights that illuminated the stage where I nervously stood, I smirked as I perused the vast audience of my fellow archaeologists.

The year was 4015, and I, a Professor at the galaxy renowned University of Pluto, was about to give a speech on my department’s recent archaeological dig in a remote part of an ancient civilization on the plant Earth.

“Ladies, Gentlemen and other socially acceptable, but yet to be officially classified life forms, welcome to this galaxy shattering presentation on the discovery of the missing link that has been troubling archaeologists, sociologists, scientists, marketers, and retailers for many millenniums. Yes, we believe we have unearthed the remains of a “Homo Game-ien.” To which, the audience erupted into spontaneous applause and enthusiastic cheers of delight!

“Whilst on a geological survey in the ancient city that the locals of that time called “Melbourne”, although we were initially searching for the rare metal deposits typically found in years of accumulated and discarded iPads, iPhones, xBoxs and PlayStations, we made a totally unexpected discovery. Yes, that was the body of a “Homo Game-ien”.

The body was remarkably well preserved. A post mortem analysis indicated high chemical levels of McDonalds, KFC, Burger King, Subway and other food substitutes, all of which would have ensured that the body remained in perfect condition for at least another two thousand years.

The body was male, and a dental analysis highlighted minimal wear on the teeth, probably owing to no real meat being consumed, only meat in a minced form (aka “ham-burger”) which we believe was a staple form of protein around that time.

We have named the body “Vans” owing to the name being evident on numerous articles of clothing worn by the individual. We can only surmise that wearing clothing with your name on it was a form of communication between other males of that time period. This is also based on the large number of archaic and rather primitive electronic games surrounding the body that would have hindered actual audible dialogue.

“Van” was also rather obese. This might be due to the copious number of food substitutes with exceptionally high sugar and chemical content (now banned in our society) that were found in close proximity to the body. These chemically rich food sources appear to have been sealed in an oil based plastic substrate to ensure a shelf-life of at least seven “Van” lifetimes.

An interesting and most unusual observation was the lack of fingerprint definition on “Van’s” thumb and index fingers that was mirrored on both hands. We are still trying to understand the cause of this effect, but we did find a black object in his hands with the words “Controller” branded on it, which is the subject of further investigation.

Unfortunately, that is all the information that “Van” was able to provide us. The answer as to why the “Homo Game-ien” became extinct we do not know, but the lack of social interaction with their fellow “Homo Sapiens”, particularly those that were female, that freely roamed that part of the Earth, might be a strong contributor to the cause?

Thank you for your time.”

Seeking that Optimal Balance

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The rather assertive, and I thought rather scary young woman, dressed impeccably in the bland and very dark company coloured uniform, beckoned me forward as I was next in the line and requested my name. Without any hesitation so as to not potentially upset her, I quickly replied, “CRAMER, Steven”. My name was immediately crossed off the list.

She, although her name badge said ‘Mandy’ (I wouldn’t dare call her this for fear of appearing too friendly) then asked me and my luggage to stand on the scales to which the total weight was duly recorded with minimal facial expression nor interest.

I was then given my helicopter boarding pass which specified my seating position for the short flight out to the off shore oil platform in Bass Strait some distance off the Southern Australian coastline.

All this procedural rigmarole was apparently required to ensure the helicopter weight was balanced from a safety perspective as we traversed the fierce, and somewhat unpredictable, cyclonic wind gusts to our offshore destination.

Now this got me thinking about the corporate office and how the business tries to “balance” their people skill sets to achieve the best chance of success. Well, I say this comment a little bit tongue in cheek as most organisations unfortunately don’t actually do this aviation procedure of ‘skill balancing’ particularly well. If they were indeed a helicopter, I suspect many of them would be flying along lopsided with a predominance of accountants, HR, engineers, extroverts or introverts! No wonder many companies tend to plummet to their financial doom and fail to obtain their targeted business objectives!

As each business objective may be different, management (just like ‘Mandy’) need to plan accordingly to ensure the right ‘weight’ mix of skills are on board. This skill set will often change based on the task and velocity of the objective required.

Now when potential danger looms, a pilot may reluctantly jettison a selected item from the aircraft to avoid jeopardizing the entire mission. Should a business encounter unexpected climatic economic turbulence, it may necessitate the ejection of some awkward and oversized individuals who are exacerbating the effect. If this needs to be done, the kind and humane approach is to provide these people with a personalized parachute before pushing them out the door, but there are some mean spirited and callous managers who like the free-fall spectacle. For those who choose the latter, may I remind them that what goes up does eventually come down, and lands with a massive hard thump!

Yes, it’s all in planning which bottoms you want in which seats in your next business mission. Without the right “bottom balance” it could be a rather uncomfortable and long flight.

One final comment and it relates to the scenery the business will observe as you travel to your intended destination and this relates to your choice of navigator. For the optimum journey of learning and excitement, may I suggest placing a creative individual in this role and your flight will never be boring!

Appearances are indeed everything?

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Ok, it was agreed, I would be “Fabian Rizzo”, the famous ballet dancer from New York (USA), Fabian would be me, “Steven Cramer”, the “alleged founder” of the world renowned “Dram” whiskey distillery in Pitlochery (Scotland).

We would meet at the select, and might I add, very exclusive Melbourne socialite dinner party at different times and collect “our” nametags and then the personality pretence would commence in earnest.

I arrived first, wearing a strikingly loud, and as equally wide, pinstripe suit complemented with a white linen tight fitting shirt with the top three buttons undone allowing my copious chest hairs freedom to peruse all observers. I did think that my bright purple socks where a tad over the top, but they seemed to work well with my thin black pointy leather shoes. Maybe the orange floral handkerchief was a little too metrosexual, but what the heck, I was “Fabian Rizzo” after all, wasn’t I!

As I arrived at the well-staffed dinner party reception table and announced my name, I was immediately swarmed over by a large number of the “beautiful people”, many of which were obviously fashion models, and to my relief, the majority of them were woman!

But my famous nametag wouldn’t be sufficient to ensure a successful evening, I had to “act the Fabian” so my walk, voice delivery and other unique mannerisms needed to prevail. The more I delved into the character, the more responsive my audience of vast admirers responded and the greater my performance. Yes, I did have a successful night, but that part will remain private, after all, one can never be sure who is actually reading these blog posts!

But I was only half the story. “Steven Cramer” also arrived at the reception table about thirty minutes after “Fabian Rizzo”, dressed in a fashionable and unpretentious dark tartan suit. His business shirt did portray some loud chunky gold cufflinks, and a tie with a full Windsor knot adorned his shirt. With a loud and deep toned Scottish accent (which sounded quite authentic by the way), he announced his name. After a brief few seconds, he was then quickly surrounded by an array of other professional looking men and woman who had a look of financial affluence and success wofting from their persona. However, to the trained eye (mine in this case, who was watching from the other side of the room), they were a gabble of bankers, stock market analysts, politicians, lawyers, a couple of alcoholics who were seeking the possibility of a fine “Dram” drop prior to making it to the dinner reception, and a variety of other “unclassified hangeronerers”. “Steven Cramer” was brilliant as he announced his market predictions for the upcoming whiskey market and provided his confidential and creative insights on what made a good glass of the Scottish liquor. Rumours were that he also managed to have quite a successful evening from various anonymous reports the following morning.

Now you may be wondering how these exploits of disguise benefit those that work in the corporate office or any other organization? Well, it all comes down to how people become fixated with the personal image associated with an individual and whether it is really deserved or not. It is quite common for employees to be impressed by a manager’s job title and play along accordingly thinking that they might benefit from the association. Some people tend to be too easily fooled by the public “label” that disguises the person wearing it, and should focus more on the actual person inside the “labelled garment”.

It is also interesting to observe from a third person perspective just how your co-workers actually view you as exemplified by this famous “Fabian Rizzo” and “Steven Cramer” role reversal. Similarly, whether these colleagues are really interested in you, or the role you portray?

PS: In case you were wondering, yes, “Fabian Rizzo” and “Steven Cramer” did indeed compare notes the following morning and the learnings were quite interesting for both individuals.

That Cut of Difference

Salon Shots

Yes, just a little bit more on the left above the ear don’t you think? Yes, there are a few stragglers there. I will just get the cut-throat razor out and give those obstreperous hairs a strategic and decisive shave. What do you think? Oh yes, much better. It looks much more skinified and head nude now, not a hair in sight, that should do it!

I looked at the floor below the barber’s chair with trepidation. There I saw a messy foray of my recently attached blond locks of hair randomly splayed now looking up at me with a sense of desertion as they awaited the appearance of a sweeping broom focussed on tidiness.

Yes, the new hairless look suited me, and if I didn’t like it, in a few days some potentially yet to be welcomed hair stubble would reposition itself on my head allowing me to rethink my next attempt at head creativity (Author’s comment….except in my case where that hair stubble decided to abandon my head a couple of decades ago, with a decision never to return!).

As I left the barber’s chair, I saw the next employee eagerly awaiting their turn to start their own individual journey of hair discovery. Yes, in case you are wondering, this barber is actually located in the corporate office. A haircut can be booked via your online E-mail calendar room booking system and there is always a backlog of staff wanting these prestigious hair services.

Why located in the corporate office? Well, why not? In this instance, this organization’s CEO views hairstyles as an extension of the business innovation process. The objective is to encourage their employees to think that little bit differently and to explore experiences and sensations that break the traditional and conservative mindset. After all, many people tend to adopt the same haircut style, one that is deemed professional and generally acceptable to the corporate guidelines of appearance. However, not this organization which boasts a workforce with a varied hair fashion that comes in a mixture of colours, lengths and more diverse appearances.

So next time you are sitting in your barber’s (or hairdresser’s) chair and they ask whether to give you “the usual”, may this blog post give you the creative strength to try something rather different so you too can experience that feeling of hair creativity and freedom of thought! Go on, be brave, give it a go! (it will grow back you know…well, maybe?)

The Gingerbread People

Happy Biscuit

The freshly baked gingerbread men and women with an impressive and distinctive corporate logo stamped across their chest were carefully placed on each employee’s desk in the early hours of the morning. It was the last day of work before Xmas and the department manager had spent many hours tirelessly baking that morning in preparation for the annual ritual of gingerbread person desk placement.

The time was now 6 AM and with the task of distribution completed, he decided to find a quiet corporate sick-bay bed and have a couple of hours sleep before his fellow employees arrived in the office to gleefully devour their eagerly anticipated baked gourmet morsels with an accompanying cup of coffee or tea.

But this year, something rather different and decidedly odd occurred. At about 6:15 AM there was a discreet, yet distinctive, sound of pastry movement. Yes, on some of the poorly lit office desks, an occasional little gingerbread arm and foot was beginning to display some rather unique humanistic characteristics. But not all gingerbread people sprung to life?

At 6:30 AM, some baked people of gingerbread DNA were leaping and gesticulating with extensive social skills and were having a great time getting to know each other and exchanging various bodily crumbs. However, some of their other baked relatives were just lying there in a motionless state, whilst others were still experiencing the joy of minimal hand movement with no prospect of running amuck!

Just before the department manager took his last snuff of slumbered bliss signalling that it was time to awake, an internal motion ceasing sensor was triggered in each of the gingerbread people and those that were mobile all dropped down on the spot and once again became just a baked stationary figurine.

As the employees started to arrive at their desks, some were greeted with a large number of scrumptious gingerbread people. Many of the staff found a single gingerbread person on their desk in the exact same position that it has been placed by the manager, others, found none at all. So, the question that you are all thinking is, why do some people have more gingerbread than others? The answer is fairly obvious if you have studied the traits of gingerbread culture and society, but if you do not have this educational knowledge, let me explain.

It all has to do with the energy and creativity that is exhibited by those employees in your corporate office that are innovative. These people are the lifeblood of your organization and they stimulate and encourage all sorts of ideas and inspirational thinking that some of you may think is a little bit way out. But, without these people, there is no imagination, and no hope that fictional ideas such as gingerbread people coming to life could ever exist. So it is really any wonder why the gingerbread people flocked to these people’s desks?

When next you are fortunate enough to hold a gingerbread person, prior to that first chomp of delight, may I suggest you stop and think and question yourself about your level of innovation and whether your personality entitles you to eat just one, or maybe more?

The Vertical Room of Study

The Americans in Canada

It is 8:28 AM and there are a mass of people all waiting rather impatiently for the sky rise elevator doors to open. Finally, the elevator arrives at the Ground Floor Level and the doors slowly open. I quickly enter with purpose and strategically position myself in the back corner of the elevator after appearing to nonchalantly press the illuminated number 39 button. After disguising my external and gleeful anticipation, I then surreptitiously prepare myself mentally for the long ride to my lofty office floor destination.

Some people could be rather bored with the time taken for their vertical ride to tediously meander up to the 39th Floor after continually stopping at many interim floors along the way, but not me! This time is precious as it allows all elevator participants some brilliant people observation and study opportunities! If you haven’t seized the chance to really look at your fellow elevator incumbents, then you really haven’t lived as it contains a microcosm of creativity!

This creativity is quite personal and exhibits itself in many public and rather clandestine forms. The joy for the watcher is in the identification and discovery process which may be rather transparent to those who do not appreciate the visual and sensory clues that are being portrayed within this closed people transportation cubicle.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, let me provide some additional information so you too can ponder this creative and informative elevator experience.

Firstly, let’s talk woft. Yes, woft. First thing in the morning, your fellow workers will apply a variety of personal fragrances, with fluctuating levels of intensity, to all parts of their body. These fragrant wofts go under the common names of perfumes, aftershaves, moisturisers, hair gels, deodorants and other secret body embellishments. To add to the mix, there are also those people that don’t believe in fragrance enhancement in any form, shape or application. The result is a composite array of woft that frequently changes in line with the differing elevator assortment of occupants.

Then there are the clothes. There will be a jumble of suits, skirts, dresses, shorts, jeans, ties, scarves, socks, shoes and even the occasional sporty look. The colours embedded into these fabrics will generally cover the full spectrum range of the PMS colour palette (except for some strange reason in Melbourne where the colour dark grey or black seems to dominate). Once again, each elevator ride up and down the building will have its own unique colour and clothing dominance.

And yes, the elevator also provides a fool-proof tool for evaluating whether someone is an introvert or an extrovert. Your classic introvert will typically stand up against the elevator wall, look down at the floor and say absolutely nothing. Whereas, your flamboyant extrovert will tend to position themselves within the central people mix and their eyes will be continually darting around looking for a fellow extrovert to initiate a meaningful, typically loud and engaging conversation. Now should you encounter a whistler in the elevator, this usually signifies a frustrated extrovert who just can’t refrain from communication any longer and is about to socially and verbally explode!

I know what you are now about to ask! What about the mobile phone user? Well, there is no benefit achieved by studying these elevator travellers, yes, none at all. Why? Because these people are fundamentally rude and are therefore insignificant and irrelevant from a creative and academic perspective. However, there is a solution. One option is to construct an elevator that is impervious to mobile phone reception (which is quite a common occurrence with the mobile network my company uses). The other, and more economically acceptable option, is to have an inbuilt sensor within the elevator that initiates a torrent of polite verbal abuse telling the person to desist immediately. I was going to suggest some choice descriptive expletives, but as all elevators carry a “G Rating”, this idea just wouldn’t pass the globally accepted standards of elevator etiquette.

So, if you are in the business of corporate change management, HR or team building, an inexpensive and unique “room of study” awaits you, that being your elevator. Next time you take a vertical ride with your colleagues, may I suggest you ponder the woft, the clothes and observe any introvert or extrovert tendencies. I’m sure that many innovative learnings will be presented for your benefit!

The “Jane Award”

Vogue

“Not again!”, I said as the camera flashes went off in unison leading to yet another ritual of blinding light in the office meeting room. It was becoming an all too familiar event, but it was one that we all relished with eager anticipation, afterall, she is a celebrity.

She did look rather stunning I thought to myself, in her chic white business attire, but she deserves the attention. It was also really inspiring seeing her on the cover of the December edition of Vogue* magazine.

However, what I loved the most about her, was that she still just accepted her usual position in the organization and went about her duties without any fuss or change in attitude or demeanor. One day, I just hope I get to be like her and the many others in the company that have achieved her lofty status.

Her business card says it all and our company utilises these rare and key employees to their maximum potential. After all, without these critical staff, we wouldn’t be enjoying the business success that we have now all become accustomed to on a daily occurrence.

What, you didn’t get a chance to read her business card? My apologies let me hand it over and read it to you. Her name is Jane Brown, her job title is “Creative Thinker”.

Yes……”Creative Thinker”.

So what exactly does Jane Brown do, you may ask? Well, Jane, and the other employees just like her, are allowed to…..think. They are provided time in their job routine to contemplate new ideas and solutions for the business. They are encouraged to network with their work colleagues, to talk to other organizations, to share thoughts and to develop other left field, non-work related dissertations. Ideas related to the future needs of the business are strongly encouraged; in fact, they are demanded by our senior management.

So why is Jane on the cover of Vogue* you may ask? Simple, the process of innovation has no boundaries and can be utilised in all activities that we do, in this instance, Jane is seen as a role model to encourage everyone to think just that little bit differently.

I’m sure that your organization has many people just like “Jane”. These people should be recognised and applauded for their creativity. Who knows, it might just lead to the instigation of the “Jane Awards” in your corporate work environment?

*Yes, Edwina McCann (Editor-In-Chief, Vogue Australia), this is fiction, Jane Brown is not a real person, but just image if she was!!

Neck Naked Innovation

32 of 365.

It’s 6 am in the morning and many woman of all ages (and some lucky men) with long locks of hair all over the world are having to make a strategic decision that will impact not only themselves, but also their work colleagues, family and friends.

That key decision is, should my hair be up or down? Now before you scoff at this important question, please understand that this key piece of personal grooming will influence their mood throughout the day, and potentially into the evening!

As I’m follicley challenged, I’m not that familiar with this mood influence, but according to “extensive personal research”, I’m now convinced of the data validity and the direct behavioural correlation. So for those of you looking for a worthwhile topic for an elaborate and complex government funded research project, look no further, this one will keep you mentally, and financially equipped, for years!

According to the “extensive data”, it’s not actually the length of the hair, but the feeling of the hair on the individual’s neck. The presence of neck hair apparently provides a feeling of protection from the surrounding environment, whereas no neck hair (the technical term known as “neck nakedness”) yields a sensation of freedom and potential optimism for the acceptance of new challenges! (yes, it’s all seen in the “analysis data”).

So, should you be planning to introduce a culture of innovation in your corporate office, may I suggest that an internal memorandum, issued by your HR Director, be quickly distributed instructing all employees to wear their hair up to ensure the best chance of success!

Now I can all hear you asking about those with a bald head. Well, the “data” suggests that these highly valued employees are the obvious candidates for the esteemed position of “Innovation Champions” as they have no creative inhibitions!

So next time you look at yourself in the mirror as you prepare yourself for your day of work, remember, the hairbrush is your key to corporate innovation!

Oh, what a feeling!

Jockey Underwear

“Now these do feel a bit different”, I thought to myself. Yes, the colour was rather flamboyant, not particularly subtle, quite tight and rather a snug, all encapsulating, body hugging fit. However, they did feel fantastic, so I purchased three pairs and I looked forward to wearing one pair under my suit trousers to work the following morning. Yes, in case they are what you are thinking, you are correct, they were some spiffy new underpants!

As I’m quite shy and reserved, although some of you who know me better may beg to differ, I am not showing you a photo, nor am I providing any additional information on the style of underpants. So those of you who were wondering if they were Y-front, low-cut hipsters, G-string or whether I’ve gone with the famous “commando”, you will never know!

So what has this got to do with the corporate office you may be asking? The answer is actually very relevant. No, I am not proposing that you promote an underwear parade at your place of employment where employees, both male and female, model the latest in underwear fashions. However, the concept would be rather unique and may lead to a new revolution in team bonding, but somehow I suspect that the HR team will find some harassment rule that may be applicable?

It does however lead to the question, are you a creature of habit? If I was to continue with the theme of underpants, do you wear the same style and coloured underpants each day? Are you set in your ways, and are you reluctant to change and explore new fashions and ideas that may better meet your underwear requirements?

The key is to explore new experiences in your work life that may lead to exciting and stimulating innovations of thought that you may have only dreamed about. If we stay in the same job and don’t challenge ourselves to test new frontiers, you will quickly fall into a rut and corporate boredom will prevail. This applies to the organization as a whole, not just the individual.

So if your business has that stayed underwear feel about it where corporate life is becoming a little bit faded, shabby and a tad loose fitting, may I strongly encourage you to introduce some creativity into your work routine as the resultant feeling, with something a little bit different, may just provide that required motivational step you are looking for in your career and place of employment.

Go on, give it a go!