The Shop of Waistful Circumference

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You all know that feeling. It’s your first day back from your Xmas holidays where you have habitually eaten, drunk and partied far too much and are now experiencing that unwelcome feeling of regretful tubbiness. Yes, those business shirts, trousers, skirts and belt buckles have all mysteriously shrunk in size, the cause of which is all too obvious to you now, unfortunately.

If only you had visited the Shop of Waistful Circumference (WC) before you commenced your holidays and all this physical discomfort would have been happily alleviated. Yes, there is always next year!

For those clever corporates that did indeed partake of the Shop of WC, you will be beaming with girthful happiness as you are breathing with comfort in your business attire.

The Shops of WC are strategically located in all major cities where there is a large business community and can be quickly found following a simple internet search.

When entering the Shop, you will be greeted by an experienced employee that has immediately surmised your current clothing size, so relax, as you will not need to divulge this protected number to alleviate any potential embarrassment.

However, you will be asked some basic questions about your plans for the Xmas holidays. For example, are you fond of plum pudding, do you frequently drink cocktails whilst lazing on a couch, have you placed your gym membership on hold, together with and other key clues of food intake and physical activity?

After some careful thoughtful consideration, the knowledgeable Shop of WC employee will suggest a tailored approach to your personalised tubbiness management regime that will ensure a welcome and fitted business attired start to your new year.

The Shop of WC has a vast array of fashionable clothing that you can purchase and wear with personal esteem over the Xmas holidays because you know that you will be in optimum body shape come that January back to work commencement date.

Now do not be alarmed by what the Shop of WC employee offers you as each item of clothing will be at least one or two sizes too small. Yes, you will deliberately be made to feel a tad plump and uncomfortable. But relax, as this is the secret to your success. These overly snug, body hugging clothes will be a continual reminder for you not indulge too much, but rather to consume a smaller amount of food, drink or other worldly delights over this Xmas period.

Come January when you thankfully discard your Shop of WC clothes and re-adorn your favourite business wardrobe from yesteryear that now remarkedly fit with no noticeable girth discomfort, you will be glad of the physical awkwardness that you begrudgingly accepted over the holidays.

What are you waiting for? Yes, just place an entry in your diary now for December to visit the Shop of WC and breath a sigh of clothing relief next year!

Handling the Office Bully

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For those of you that have a bully in your office, now is the perfect opportunity for you to practice some innovative diversionary tactics that will quickly annoy the lifeblood out of the targeted individual.

The bully is a person that constantly seeks attention, so make sure that you give it to them, but not in the way that they are expecting to receive it. This is the beauty of having a well-practised innovative mindset that has been honed via years of experience working in the corporate office.

As with all bullies, once they feel that their psychopathic behaviour is no longer being recognised and is now being neutralised by your positive creativity, they will quickly cease their bothersome traits, or will seek employment elsewhere.

The following are some trusted and proven techniques that will get you well underway in handling any bully, regardless of their age, experience, sex, or position of stature in your organisation.

The “Bill or Jill” Technique:
Here you can call the bully any name that you like, as long as it is not their real name (note: although you may want to, expletives are not recommended). Should the bully be a man, call them “Bill” (or a woman, “Jill”), also encourage other work colleagues to follow your lead. After a while the bully will become furious owing to the lack of personal recognition.

The Sunglasses Technique:
All bullies like to see your eyes so they have a ready reckoner on the impact they are having on you, and those around you. By wearing sunglasses in the office you are depriving them of this required visual insight. It also provides you with an opportunity to fall asleep in their presence, however, make sure you don’t snore too loudly.

The Coffee Slurp Technique:
When in a meeting with the bully, make sure that you and your colleagues continually slurp your coffee in unison, or individually. This is a sure way to break the bully’s irritating concentration, particularly if they are the only one that is coffee-less.

The Foreign Language Technique:
Yep, as the name suggests, just talk in a language that the bully doesn’t understand. After an extended period, the bully will feel completely ostracised and will be in need of some urgently required therapy.

Now a word of caution with this innovative technique that you must fully understand and appreciate before you commence your diversionary strategy. With time, you may start to enjoy your newly found lease of innovative freedom where you want to be an ongoing practitioner of bullying diminishment. At this point, you must immediately cease your creative journey as you may indeed be turning into a bully yourself, something you and your fellow colleagues would not want that to ever occur, regardless of how satisfying the experience may seem!

No Splashing Allowed

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Many a creative thought has been generated in the bath, just ask that revered Greek Scholar Archimedes who did his best thinking when immersed in a tub.

Now this got a currently little known, yet soon to be famous Research Scientist at a leading Boston University pondering the origin of that eureka moment. Following many years of water immersed individual contemplation (well, that’s the official academic description used on her funding application), this dedicated “batharian” explored the innovation correlation between many factors involved in the practice of creative bathification.

Equipped with a waterproof black pen, she meticulously studied a vast array of bathing techniques and diligently recorded each bathing episode on the inner white enamel bath surface. As the hours of analysis continued, the water colour in the bath gradually turned from a clear transparency to an obscure studious composition that matched her dark ink penned font markings, thereby necessitating the need for many repeat purchases of new bath study environments.

She explored every conceivable bathing influence that included temperature, depth, bubbles, degrees of nakedness, outside, inside, altitude, bath composition, even friendship interactions.

After many thousands of litres of water draining through the plughole, she did indeed discover her own eureka moment, one that has indeed raised the temperature in the innovation debate as to the origin of creative thought.

For all those seekers of the creative truth, the answer was apparently right before our eyes as we sat, or lounged in the bath in blissful relaxation, that being turbulence. Yes, turbulence.

This clever “batharian” discovered that there is an inverse relationship between water turbulence and the creative prowess of the person residing in the bath. If a person is stressed, they tend to squirm in the bath, wash themselves, splash, or get restless. Any chance of creative thoughts being generated is minimal. However, if they are at peace with themselves, they just happily laze in the bath and savour the restful warming experience which leads to the progression of a plethora of original ideas. At this stage of their creativity, the bath water is still and turbulence is non-existent.

So for those of you in the corporate office, should you want to initiate a eureka moment amongst your employees, install a bath, just like in the Roman times. But a word of caution. Please ensure that there is a large sign strategically positioned in clear view of all those in the bath stating, “No Splashing Allowed”, as you don’t want any negative turbulent thought prevailing to the surface.

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