Golf – I’m That Mischievous Hole

There is always at least one hole on a golf course that appears to have a mind of its own. It is the one that teases the unsuspecting golfer with unfettered hope, but then unmercifully demoralizes them with brutal savagery.

I am that hole.

You may think that a golf course is a placid, inanimate, terrain of grass, sand and water, with a variety of pleasant vegetation, some small, some large. You are very wrong.

We, the eighteen individual holes that when geographically aligned together become a ‘serpentual’ living organism that has one purpose in life, that being to mislead and surreptitiously annoy you, the golfer.

Our craft of subterfuge requires cunning, creativity and innovation where we continually change our layout on a daily basis to ensure ongoing golfer bamboozlement.

Of all the eighteen holes, I am the acknowledged master scoundrel of misery and frustration that relishes the opportunity to strike fear and trepidation into any golfer that treads upon my turf. I just despise the words ‘Par’, ‘Birdie’, but take personal reward on hearing ‘Bogey’, ‘Double or Triple Bogey’, and the greatest of all being ‘Lost Ball’.

The key to my success is my aptitude in being deviously canny and shrewd. Most golfers may experience the ‘occasional’ bad luck on my hole, but the following examples provide testament to my proven methodology.

Lost Ball: Every golfer hates to lose their ball, but in reality, this is not the case. Rather, I provide them with a temporary malady of blindness precisely at the location when they are nearing their ball. The ball is there, but they just don’t see it. Wonderful, isn’t it!

Wind Gusts: Should a golf ball appear to have that perfect trajectory, I have the ability to instantaneously whip up a superb, yet mysteriously powerful micro-wind gust that is excellent in providing the requisite negative ball deviation.

Trees: Once a golf ball enters the canopy domain of my trees, I ensure that the ball ricochets in the exact opposite direction of the green.

Sand Bunkers: I just love watching golfers digging holes. It gives me no end of entertainment!

Putting: This is the masterpiece of my creative ingenuity and one that brings me the greatest pleasure. Many a golfer has been distraught when their strategically planned putt circles the circumference of the cup, never to drop, but to come to rest a frustrating and miserable millimeter from the hole. How do I do this you may ask? Well, that’s my secret and I’m keeping it that way!

In summing up, or should I say when tallying all the above strokes together, some final words of discouragement for the golfing reader. I am a sneaky and mischievous entity that randomly moves from hole to hole based on how I’m feeling on any particular day. So, a word of caution, never assume that a tricky hole will be the same on each day that you play. I am out to cause you golfing mayhem, and I thoroughly enjoy it.

The Rockpool

As the mercury column in your thermometer quickly approaches 40 Celsius and beyond, for those of you fortunate enough to reside in an alpine region, and should you be adventurous, an innovative and most practical solution readily awaits.  

The solution is typically a well-guarded secret location only privy to a select few local residents who are in the know. Should any outsiders be invited to participate in and enjoy its delights, the signing of a confidentiality agreement prior to being granted access is typically the requisite norm. Afterall, no individuals of the riff-raff class are allowed, nor should they be.

The secret location is colloquially known as a ‘rockpool’.  It is a hidden gem that meanders majestically along the route of a mountain river where the water is cool, clean and refreshing to those that fully appreciate its invigorating benefits, particularly when the heat of the day is at its maximum.

Now there are some rules that any seeker of the rockpool needs to follow as there are positives and negatives to the cooling experience.

Clothing: This all depends on the isolation proximity of the rockpool and your, and any potential observers, acceptance of nudity. Some form of bathing attire is the most common sight; however, this criterion is best decided by the individual concerned, and their perceived level of risk.

Footwear: For those of you lucky enough to have neanderthal shaped feet, relax as you have nothing to worry about. But, if you don’t, then a pair of river shoes is recommended as the large array of smooth rocks at the bottom of the river are most slippery and will result in many a tumble.

Fauna: Yes, you are not the only individual that enjoys your chosen place of cooling. Many an animal also partakes in the rockpool’s virtues when you are not there to disturb them. As such, you should be prepared to see the random lump of animal dropping nonchalantly float past your face, or the occasional snake gliding on or below the water’s surface. If you do see it, relax, because nature is a beautiful thing to behold, regardless of how you may behold it.

Humans: This is the most threatening aspect of the rockpool as they can, and frequently do, spoil your quiet refreshing water solitude. This tends to be amplified should there be a tree swing where a bullish, loud and acrobatic individual may land next to you with a loud popping splash. The solution, cut it down when nobody is looking!

Sunburn: Even though the water may be cool as it expertly massages every part of your submerged body, those upper regions, typically your head and shoulders are perfect heat receptors. The result being a painful sunburn that will stay with you long after your rockpool dip.

Once you have mastered all of the above, you and those lucky friends of yours will be in an oasis heaven that only a few people get to enjoy. May you savor the moment, but don’t forget that “mum’s the word” regarding the location!

Those Pesky Weeds of Innovation

As CEO of a large, conservative company that has been in operation for over a century with little or no business growth, how do you know if you have those pesky weeds of innovation in your business? The following are some clues to help you quickly identify them before they can take root and grow.

Ideas: Should you hear an employee uttering the blasphemous words “I have an idea”, then they need to be dismissed immediately before that frightening innovation virus can contaminate your workforce.

Fashion: Luckily these recalcitrant employees are easily identifiable by their annoying clothes, colourful shirts, bow-ties and the occasional hat. Just ask HR to quietly usher them to the exit with minimal fuss.

Laughter: Fun in the office should definitely not be tolerated and should result in the employee being speedily placed on disciplinary action with the threat of instantaneous termination for a repeat offence.

Unauthorised Fonts: Yes, there are strict corporate guidelines that must be followed. Any employee daring to use any other font rather than the long standing and approved black Times New Roman needs to be quickly educated on the 100 year old corporate values that have served the company well, and are based on tradition.

Customers: Any customer having the nerve to complain about our products not meeting their requirements do not deserve the privilege of being supplied by us, after all, we know what’s best for their business. How dare they tell us otherwise!

Career: Any employee seeking clarification on their future within our business obviously does not appreciate the honour of working for us (or should I say for me).

My fellow CEOs, hopefully the above insights have provided you with sufficient information to nippily identify any annoying employees that might be creative, or have mad ambitions of creating a culture of innovation in your company. The key is to act swiftly before their offensive ideas can take hold and spread. God forbid!

Quod Erat Demonstrandum

The Presidential Nose

This nose just keeps getting longer!

It’s now so large, that I need to stand at least 6 feet away from those that I’m talking to, otherwise my nose pierces them straight in the eye. But that’s OK, as most of my friends are one-eyed anyway.

Why it keeps growing, I have no idea, but after every media conference, Presidential directive and tweet that I post, an additional inch immediately appears? Funny, those colleagues in my political party, and those who work for me, all seem to have the similar malady? It’s not an issue, as I will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me, me.

But a massive nose does have some advantages, particularly when playing golf. It’s like a second club that allows me to surreptitiously spike my ball and discreetly move it to a more favourable position on the fairway, or even on to the middle of the green. No one would notice, nor have the courage to say anything anyway, now would they?

Although the nickname President Pinocchio does have a certain pointedness to it, but after various unsuccessful impeachment trials, a criminal conviction, I am now back in my rightful position on top of The Hill. Thanks again to my political compatriots, great to know that our values are fully aligned, and yes, with time, you do get used to the nose growth, albeit a tad visually annoying at first.

Sleeping has always been an issue, particularly as I could never sleep straight in bed, regardless of how much I tried. But, with this whopper of a nose, sleeping is superb as I can’t roll off my back without shish kebabbing the mattress, or those in a dangerous close proximity, so it’s the perfect sleep aid for a man with my nasal stature.  

And of course, there is the complex issue of blowing my nose, but this I have resolved masterly with creative innovation. Most people when they sneeze, say “pardon me”. Not me, I just Pardon those that supported my dubious Presidential endeavours. The result seems to please them, and therefore me, and as the saying goes, its always good to have a subservient ‘handkerchief’ in your pocket when you are a President.

Well, that’s enough from me, for the time being until at least tomorrow.

Interview – Corporate Harlequin

Interviewer (I):
You have worked in the corporate environment for many years and were recently made redundant following an organizational restructure. As one of the best-known global Corporate Harlequins, what advice can you give to those that want to follow in your successful theatrical footsteps?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
My corporate mentor, William Shakespeare, best summed up life in the corporate office with the following accurate words;
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts”.
The corporate office is indeed one big stage with many actors playing in different scenes that cover a lifetime of theatrical employment.

Interviewer (I):
So where does being a Harlequin fit into the corporate office?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
I have mastered my trade over many years. I have worked with many impressive managers and colleagues, and unfortunately some less so. The key is to select the various traits of these individuals that you can craft and utilize as your own. You then consolidate these skills into a vibrant costume of many colours, each colour signifying your abilities, wit and business prowess for all the corporate world to see.

However, you must have a fundamental set of values that you abide and live by in your corporate acting career. This is where many Corporate Harlequins fail, are shamed and are eventually expelled from the stage with their career in tatters never to work again. An actor should never tolerate unethical performance. If you see it in a coworker, or a manager, call it out and push them off the stage, regardless of how important they may pretend to be.

Interviewer (I):
What’s the next Corporate Harlequin acting role for you?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
I am proud of the many colours in my flamboyant Corporate Harlequin costume which eagerly hangs in my business wardrobe ready for the next scene in my working career.

As you know, I’m in a unique position compared to most Corporate Harlequins as I have the luxury to pick and choose the next corporate plays I want to be involved in. I do have a few auditions lined up and am confident that the right Corporate Harlequin role will match my experiences and skills.

Life is for acting, that’s why I’m a Corporate Harlequin, and very proud to be one.

The Office Snoutster

The Office Snoutster is an annoying individual that can unfortunately be seen in many organizations. They are commonly found in senior government or corporate roles following many years of successful snoutsting.

So, how do you recognize a Snoutster?
These individuals, be they men or women, are quite cunning and have an ability to hide their snoutster skills from most of their friends and work colleagues. However, there are some common behavioural clues that usually gives them away.

Manipulative: They are extremely manipulative, lazy and prefer to rely on others to do their work for them rather than seeing the need to get their own hands dirty.
Hunter Leeches: They can quickly target a strategic person that will assist them in progressing their own personal career objectives. Once identified, they hang around them like a leech, put their hungry teeth into them, and then suck like hell for their own wellbeing until their usefulness is no longer required. They then seek out a new sucking target and repeat the process.
Clothing: They will dress to deliberately seek praise and approval from any person that may provide potential leech nourishment.

Why the term Snoutster?
Consider the traits of an overweight pig that joyfully uses their nose to smell out an opportunity, then sticks it in with gusto leaving a monumental mess for others to clean up.

How does one become a Snoutster?
Most Snoutsters typically have had a favoured upbringing where they are repeatedly spoilt and receive ongoing praise from their parents, relatives and friends without them having to make an effort, thereby feeding their ‘leecherous’ cravings for personal fulfilment and ongoing sustenance. Once accustomed to a decadent no-work lifestyle, they quickly realize that the shrewd use of their snout is the only way for them to survive in the office, and in their other life endeavours.

Can the Snoutster be removed from your office?
Yes, but only when their manager finally recognizes that the Office Snoutster adds no recognizable financial value, and that they are also a massive toxic emotional drain on their direct reports and other employees. The required solution is a quick termination and speedy exit from the office.

So should you know of there being a Snoutster in your office, quickly root them out and blunt their oinking snout cravings before they create immeasurable damage to your organisation and your colleagues.

Is it time for an ‘Age Coup?’

Age. It’s a complex thing, the importance of which seems to change frequently depending on where you are in your life.

It is said that age is just a number; so why in the Western world do we commonly characterise everyone according to their year of birth? Sure, there are many sound, well researched legal and practical aspects that both should and need to be adhered to, but why is age such an important factor in the workforce?

When you are at Primary School, those who you knew in High School seemed very worldly and sophisticated. You saw your parents as old and out of touch with the worldly and social needs of your own generation, not to mention your grandparents, who fell into the absolutely ancient classification.

But consider how your age perspectives changed when you yourself entered the workforce for the first time. All of a sudden you saw your parents and others with an increased number of years under their belts as wise and possessing a valued experience, and some you even gave esteemed oracle status.

In the business world, people in their early twenties are typically deemed to be naïve and lack the requisite knowledge, whereas people in their sixties or seventies are seen as being ready for retirement and quickly put out to the vast unemployment pasture.

I believe it’s high time for a long overdue ’age coup‘ where an individual’s mindset and willingness to learn and/or mentor those around them should be the main criteria, instead of how old they are on their employment contract.

To accomplish this, we need to redefine the term ‘age’ and replace it with a combination of a willingness to learn and to share experiences, regardless of whether obtained in the workplace, or via life’s complex journey.

However, to do this there needs to be a mindset change within the corporate world, particularly with in HR where age is commonly seen as just a start or finish date of employment, not a potential indication of longer-term value.

Yes, it’s time for an ‘age coup’ as there are many willing participants keen, able and wanting to join the revolution.

A new career with noise

I’m learning the trumpet.

These few innocent words create a dreaded audible fear in your family, neighbours and those that live in your street. Why, apparently it as something to do with the noise, which is unpredictable, loud and makes a cow’s mooing sound more attractive to the listeners ears.

Yes, I will make mistakes, and I do sound a tad awful, but I am told that with practice, persistence and a willingness to learn from my errors, I should improve. However, time will be the judge, as will my wife’s patience and honesty.

Recently my role was made redundant after many years of service which was totally unexpected. The rational, an organizational restructure. The result, unemployment.

One could wallow and say “why me”, but then again, it’s just like learning the trumpet. The first step is to decide that it’s time to try something new and to make the most of this different and unknown life opportunity. Not everyone may decide that a musical instrument is the next move, some may seek a new career path, play golf, lawn bowls, travel, retire or go part-time. Me, I’m yet to decide, maybe I will do all of these activities, however, I suspect that being a concert trumpet player may be slightly out of my immediate reach?

But I do have the objective to make some hullabaloo, and to have fun doing it and to learn a new life skill, regardless of how unpleasant it may be in the short term.

Some may say that age could be a barrier, but I view it differently. I just see experience and a knowledge that can mentor and train those with less years in the corporate world, just like my trumpet teacher that is crafting a new skill in my personal repertoire.

Yes, I’m going to make a raucous commotion, one that can be heard and distinctly recognized as my unique and innovative persona, and maybe get a tiny bit better at the trumpet along the way….

The Retirement Rebirth

The year is 2125 and I have now been in cryogenic retirement for the past 100 years. I vividly recall my last day in the corporate office when my career became literally frozen in time.

As my mind starts the thawing process, I wonder what awaits me as I re-enter the workforce. The first question that puzzles me is, why now? Yes, I have been “on ice” for the past century, and for what reason should I be awoken from my forced corporate sabbatical slumber?

I awake to see a room full of excited business people in casual clothing gesticulating around me as my corporate consciousness quickly regains my innate faculties. They gleefully welcome me into their relaxed business world with sighs of relief and wonderment.

I look intently at their faces with puzzlement and seek an answer to my question.

Over the following day, I learn their predicament.

The Goldfish:
These employees have the attention span of a goldfish. Owing to the memory dilution influences of prolonged social media, they cannot concentrate for a period longer than 3 minutes. They all wear name tags as their interpersonal recognition is essentially non-existent which makes teamwork an impossibility.

Strategic Analysis:
Their reliance on artificial intelligence (AI) has eroded all their skills of analysis and intuition. They cannot think for themselves and have become slaves to avatar personas.

Hygiene:
As they don’t need to frequent the corporate office, they work from home, and don’t see the need for personal grooming as their work life experiences are completely virtual.

So why was I awoken?

Apparently, my name was found in a time capsule buried in an old building that was made redundant in the year 2025. The same year in which I left my employer and commenced my period of forced retirement hibernation. The finder of this archaeological treasure glanced through all the archives that highlighted how workers in the past thought for themselves, were innovative and creative. It was reported that those of yesteryear apparently relied on our experience, our knowledge and used technology to complement our reasoning and logic, instead of being beholden to it.

A search commenced and I was unearthed and brought into the present (my future).

I looked around the room and immediately thought, it was time to restart my corporate life once more. As the saying goes, “everything old is new again”, and I was ready.

That Magic Pill of Innovation

Is there such a thing as a magic innovation pill that when swallowed, thoughts of innovation just blossom instantaneously in your mind?

The answer is, if only!

However, many organisations do believe in mystical wonders when they create the role of Chief Innovation Officer. Yes, once brought to life in the corporate organisation chart, this creatively anointed individual is expected to whip up all sorts of innovative wonders to the immediate benefit of the shareholders and those deemed less wise.

The question then is how?

The answer is simple when understood, and it all revolves around the ingredients used to manufacture that magic innovation pill in your organisation. There are 5 key ingredients, and if one is left out deliberately, or by mistake, the efficacy of the pill will take the form of a placebo which may seem to work in the short term, but failure will ultimately prevail with doomed longevity.

The first ingredient is called “Employee Diversity”. If you haven’t got this additive, well, just stop now and give up and go to the pub for a long lunch. Innovation needs employees who differ in thought processes, background, culture and beliefs in order to develop a plethora of creative ideas that deliberately push the organisation’s status quo and understanding.

You then need to add a good measure of a “Creative Work Environment”. There are many ways to do this, the key approach is to encourage and facilitate many idea interactions where an innovative chain reaction can start and quickly develop without restriction. If you get the occasional bang or loud explosion along the way, even better as this signals progress!

Next is the ingredient from the bottle labelled “Communication”. When added, you may see copious amounts of smoke quickly rising from the mixing bowl. Note, this is good and should be immediately communicated throughout the whole organisation so those not involved in the process know that there is nothing to be afraid of, or concerned about, and don’t call the Fire Brigade to quickly extinguish the innovative catalytic reaction from progressing.

You then need to add a few large drops of “Courage” which may leave a bitter taste in the mouth of the CEO, who may spit it out should they not be accustomed to the flavour. Courage is required to let the innovation process bubble away without interference, and to provide the requisite time for all the ingredients to adequately mix and blend into a homogeneous idea.

The final and most important ingredient that must permeate throughout the entire concoction is that called “Fun”. Without it, any hope of success is doomed to fail and a sticky, tasteless mess will linger in the organisation for years resulting in all references of the word innovation being quickly purged from the corporate recipe book pages.

So, should your business be blessed with the role of the Chief Innovation Officer, the first question to ask is, “can they cook”? if the answer is no, it’s time to invest in some takeaway!