The Rockpool

As the mercury column in your thermometer quickly approaches 40 Celsius and beyond, for those of you fortunate enough to reside in an alpine region, and should you be adventurous, an innovative and most practical solution readily awaits.  

The solution is typically a well-guarded secret location only privy to a select few local residents who are in the know. Should any outsiders be invited to participate in and enjoy its delights, the signing of a confidentiality agreement prior to being granted access is typically the requisite norm. Afterall, no individuals of the riff-raff class are allowed, nor should they be.

The secret location is colloquially known as a ‘rockpool’.  It is a hidden gem that meanders majestically along the route of a mountain river where the water is cool, clean and refreshing to those that fully appreciate its invigorating benefits, particularly when the heat of the day is at its maximum.

Now there are some rules that any seeker of the rockpool needs to follow as there are positives and negatives to the cooling experience.

Clothing: This all depends on the isolation proximity of the rockpool and your, and any potential observers, acceptance of nudity. Some form of bathing attire is the most common sight; however, this criterion is best decided by the individual concerned, and their perceived level of risk.

Footwear: For those of you lucky enough to have neanderthal shaped feet, relax as you have nothing to worry about. But, if you don’t, then a pair of river shoes is recommended as the large array of smooth rocks at the bottom of the river are most slippery and will result in many a tumble.

Fauna: Yes, you are not the only individual that enjoys your chosen place of cooling. Many an animal also partakes in the rockpool’s virtues when you are not there to disturb them. As such, you should be prepared to see the random lump of animal dropping nonchalantly float past your face, or the occasional snake gliding on or below the water’s surface. If you do see it, relax, because nature is a beautiful thing to behold, regardless of how you may behold it.

Humans: This is the most threatening aspect of the rockpool as they can, and frequently do, spoil your quiet refreshing water solitude. This tends to be amplified should there be a tree swing where a bullish, loud and acrobatic individual may land next to you with a loud popping splash. The solution, cut it down when nobody is looking!

Sunburn: Even though the water may be cool as it expertly massages every part of your submerged body, those upper regions, typically your head and shoulders are perfect heat receptors. The result being a painful sunburn that will stay with you long after your rockpool dip.

Once you have mastered all of the above, you and those lucky friends of yours will be in an oasis heaven that only a few people get to enjoy. May you savor the moment, but don’t forget that “mum’s the word” regarding the location!

Interview – Corporate Harlequin

Interviewer (I):
You have worked in the corporate environment for many years and were recently made redundant following an organizational restructure. As one of the best-known global Corporate Harlequins, what advice can you give to those that want to follow in your successful theatrical footsteps?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
My corporate mentor, William Shakespeare, best summed up life in the corporate office with the following accurate words;
“All the world’s a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts”.
The corporate office is indeed one big stage with many actors playing in different scenes that cover a lifetime of theatrical employment.

Interviewer (I):
So where does being a Harlequin fit into the corporate office?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
I have mastered my trade over many years. I have worked with many impressive managers and colleagues, and unfortunately some less so. The key is to select the various traits of these individuals that you can craft and utilize as your own. You then consolidate these skills into a vibrant costume of many colours, each colour signifying your abilities, wit and business prowess for all the corporate world to see.

However, you must have a fundamental set of values that you abide and live by in your corporate acting career. This is where many Corporate Harlequins fail, are shamed and are eventually expelled from the stage with their career in tatters never to work again. An actor should never tolerate unethical performance. If you see it in a coworker, or a manager, call it out and push them off the stage, regardless of how important they may pretend to be.

Interviewer (I):
What’s the next Corporate Harlequin acting role for you?

Corporate Harlequin (CH):
I am proud of the many colours in my flamboyant Corporate Harlequin costume which eagerly hangs in my business wardrobe ready for the next scene in my working career.

As you know, I’m in a unique position compared to most Corporate Harlequins as I have the luxury to pick and choose the next corporate plays I want to be involved in. I do have a few auditions lined up and am confident that the right Corporate Harlequin role will match my experiences and skills.

Life is for acting, that’s why I’m a Corporate Harlequin, and very proud to be one.

Heed the Turtleneck

If you want to experience that cuddly innovative feeling in your corporate office, then simply pop your head through the neck of a fashionable turtleneck jumper and your desires of creative longing will immediately be fulfilled.

Now, for those of you that are currently a wearer of the world-famous turtleneck design, you will know exactly what I mean as you will have already grasped this cosy concept by the scruff of the knitted circular neck.

So why the turtleneck? Well, according to a soon to be published article in some obscure global publication, it’s apparently due to the ingenious design. The unique construction continuously directs and squeezes imaginative thoughts and emotions in a highly coordinated manner from the arms, chest, and other lower body regions towards the neck, and then ultimately up into the wearer’s mind. It is analogous to an “innovative thought-pump” where a rhythmic array of creative beats effortlessly proceed unhindered whilst the body-hugging jumper continues to be worn.

But alas, not all turtlenecks are the same as the colour selection acts as a creative thought catalyst for the wearer. The key is to know what colour works best for you, as the wrong choice could lead to the opposite effect where the wearer becomes passive, boring, or even ridiculed. The colour black seems to be most popular, particularly with those messy creatives as it hides and disguises an endless number of sins that are deemed by many an uneducated observer as being messy.

Another item for consideration is the number of neck rolls on your turtleneck collar. May I remind you that the jumper’s design is to forcefully pump creativity to your head, too many neck rolls may lead to a massive idea overload where the wearer may become lightheaded and eventually faint. As such, if you are a novice to this fashion accessory, the medical recommendation is to initially try a single neck roll, with time, additional rolls may be added, once proven.

Now should you be one of these turtleneck wearers with an abundance of chest hairs, be you a man, a woman, or other, there is another warning that you should heed. This is when a recalcitrant and stoic hair decides to permeate through the woven woollen fabric and nonchalantly peak through for some additional visual gratification. You and your hairs may not mind this display, but it can potentially be a little off putting for those who lack your hairy chest blessing and are quietly jealous.

So may I suggest that you unbutton your business shirts, place them back on the hanger in your wardrobe, and confidently replace them with a turtleneck jumper. Your ability to innovate will quickly prevail, and your appearance will warrant many a look of approval from your work colleagues and friends.  

2035 Business Graduation Address

It is a great honour to be looking at you all as I sit in your individual home offices virtually via hologram. For those of you that made an effort to tidy your work-spaces, wear the non-standard tracky pants and have a business-like appearance, I applaud you for trying something different and unusual.

Please note that I have turned off the odour link in this presentation. The woft of coffee from some of your living abodes is indeed most enticing, but there was a rather distinct and a tad offensive smell originating from one of you so for the sake of all those participating, you will no longer be able to access this function in the hologram conference setting.

Today is your day, so enjoy it.

As you now enter the corporate workforce where you will be asked to work at least a 15 hour week (two days in the old business language), make sure you do dedicate some time in your busy work-life schedule for actual work. I know it’s a big ask, but your employer will expect nothing less.

By comparison, when I was in your shoes (for those of you that don’t wear any, it’s a metaphor), my employer actually insisted that we work in a physical office, sitting next to real people for five nominated days per week, these being Monday to Friday. We also arrived and departed at the same time each day. I know this concept is truly foreign to you all, but there were some learnings to this rather archaic practice that you might find interesting and beneficial as you commence your business careers armed with your digital graduation certificates.

1. Working in an Office

To many off you, this will be a concept that you have only read about, or watched in old movies, but it did occur. Employees really did cohabitate in buildings for prescribed hours in the working day. There were many benefits, the main one being physical interaction where you could communicate with a co-worker, not in a virtual sense, but in real life.
Meeting rooms had four physical walls, a roof and a floor. Those encapsulated in the room entered and departed via a door. You saw the whole person, they could not be muted, or turn off their camera. Once located in the room, you had to focus on the nominated activity, you couldn’t pretend to be there, or nominate a stand-in avatar of yourself, you had to actually concentrate and participate on the meeting agenda.

2. Travelling to and from the Office

Employees literally did travel to the office. The choice of travel was left entirely to the individual, it was not mandated. This could be done via car, public transport, pedal power, or other forms of transportation. The only requisite was that you arrived and left work at a nominated time each day. By doing this, your work colleagues had the optimum opportunity for engagement.

3. Interstate and Overseas

Yes, those working on business did truly leave the office and travel to see customers, colleagues or develop and progress new relationships. In the olden days, we enjoyed face-to-face interaction, particularly when meeting someone for the first time.
The main mode of travel used was the aeroplane. There was even a section on the aircraft called “Business Class” that catered for the needs of those travelling on business, not pleasure.

4. Business Attire

This you will most likely find unbelievable, but we dressed up each day when we attended the office. There was such a thing called “corporate attire” which was typically a jacket, shirt and trousers, women occasionally wore a skirt or a dress. Now and then, men would even wear a tie, which was an expensive piece of cloth wrapped around the collar of the shirt.
Why would we do this? A good question, as I see many of you squirming in your casual clothes. It was done out of respect for your colleagues, where you tried to make them feel valued and important. It also differentiated business from home and assisted in putting your mind into work-mode.
Nowadays, you can do this by simply changing your avatar, but the concept most likely originated in the days of yesteryear when we all worked in the office.


But enough of the past. Your time is now. Please make the most of it.

But I do have one additional thought for you to keep and ponder. Don’t forget the historical benefits of working in an actual office because one day, although highly improbable, there may be a power or battery failure, which would result in no virtual engagement of any kind. Should this occur, you would have to actually talk to a work colleague in a physical and real work setting! So please be prepared for this unlikely, but potentially possible eventuality, you just never know, do you?

The Ankle Revolution

There’s been a quiet revolution slowly perambulating with the male anatomy that is only just now starting to get a foothold with men of all ages. It was typically hidden, but is now wanting to be set free and seen by all without any visual or physical containment. Yes, I am talking about the ankle.

For centuries, this “legular” bodily part has been trapped within various forms of tubular fabric where any potentially prying socially acceptable eyes had no chance of observing or encountering it. Similarly, the ankle is unmistakably optically pristine with the enduring retention of its native infant colour as sunlight has not had the opportunity to scorch any skin with its radiation enhancing imprint.

The male ankle is living proof of Darwin’s Theory of Evolution. The common male leg has been, and still is, known, appreciated and admired for the copious covering of hairs that nonchalantly sprout forth and permeate from the man’s lower hip, all the way down to his upper foot. But, according to those that are supposedly in the know, the ankle of primitive man used to be as equally hairy as the leg. However, following eons of forced sock application in the name of fashion and moral decency, all remnants of male ankle hairs have now disappeared due to the constant rubbing and follicle fabric abrasion of the restrictive foot covering.

But the ankle has had enough and a sock rebellion has been gradually gathering momentum with a hairy foundation beneath the legs of men of all ages.

Some of the more fashion conscious amongst us may have noticed it, others may have not, but once it has been brought to your attention, you will never look at a male ankle in the same way ever again.

Yes, ankles of men want and demand to be free. They are seeking full visual exposure without the hindrance of fabric or any imposed restraint. Their hairs want to grow back and fill the bald ankle void that has plagued mankind for far too long. It’s now their time in man’s evolution history.

Their demands are simple. The days of long socks has now ceased, men will only wear low-cut socks, or none at all. Now that this fashion statement has been brought to your attention, you undoubtedly have seen it, but maybe didn’t realise its origins or significance.

Socks used to be worn to complete the visual transition from the upper business shoe to the base of the suit trouser leg. But have you noticed that some men are now electing a more casual business attire where the sock selection is no longer required? It’s all part of the ankle revolution!

Who knows for how long the ankle will be allowed to have this innovative freedom. Fashions change, and with time the ankle may indeed yet again lose its liberty. But at least it had a go!

Trench Coat: An item of COVID Necessity

The feeling of fear immediately wells up inside you as you slowly open your long forgotten wardrobe door and contemplate what you will wear when you are finally allowed to return to the office following months of forced COVID-19 lockdown. Will any items of clothing in your extensive array of expensive corporate attire manage to contain your newly acquired casual and carefree body shape after weeks of continual psychological induced snacking?

Relax, as there is one item of clothing that every corporate professional must have in their possession that will protect your emotional esteem and sanity. It’s colloquially known as the Trench Coat, but for you, it will be your must-have body shape saviour and mental wellbeing protector.

Many of us know the Trench Coat via the famed Hollywood mystique associated with Humphrey Bogart who wore this mighty coat complete with a stylish Fedora peak brimmed hat. But, do we remember what he wore under his coat? The answer to this question being a definitive no, and why should we know, nor care?

Here in lies the charm of the Trench Coat with its tailored double-breasted format that nonchalantly flares to below the wearer’s knee hemline, complete with an array of buttons and impressive shoulder epaulettes.  

The Trench Coat is the perfect visual and environmental protector for any preying eyes that may seek to notice a slighter larger, and somewhat potentially plumper body lying within the constraints of the outer khaki fabric.

Many an office onlooker that does not possess such a grand and imposing coat will be totally oblivious to whatever clothing you may be wearing, or not wearing, under this outer garment, should this clothing be a tad too snug, or surreptitiously popping apart at the seams, or indeed absent. Yes, the Trench Coat will be the only item of clothing that their eyes seek and focus upon.

The Trench Coat is your everywhere coat. It protects your bodily shaped persona whilst you are travelling to and from work, and can even be worn with ease at your desk with the selective unclasping of one or two strategically placed buttons, complete with the mind assuring knowledge that at least one button still remains intact thereby keeping your pudgified body visually and masterly contained.  

For those fortunate employees that do have a Trench Coat unassumingly residing in your wardrobe, relax, as you can happily return to the corporate office with the calming knowledge that your COVID-19 embellished body is fully protected. But alas, if you don’t, now is the time to quickly buy a majestic Trench Coat before many an office worker reading this blog post makes a speedy dash to their local department store to seek and purchase this essential item of clothing.

The Circle of Obsolescence

“Come in, we have a spare seat over there”, said the Office Social Worker (OSW). There was a quiet rustling sound of plastic chairs on the beige vinyl floor tiles as space was quickly made available for their newest member. “Don’t worry, we have all experienced what you are going through, with time, the frustration will pass.” 

The Desk Phone took their allocated seat and sat rather forlornly with its handset’s flexible cable coiled in an unsightly knotted mess dangling with an uncaring manner next to the front right chair leg. One sudden jerk of the chair and the cable would have been quickly sliced in half, but the phone didn’t care.   

They all saw the look of pitiful redundancy on the Desk Phone’s face, some of them had reluctantly joined the Circle of Obsolescence (COO) only recently, others had been frequenting the meetings for decades, but their empathy was genuine and sympathetic.

It was now time for the OSW to start the COO meeting, their role being to facilitate a group discussion where each discarded and forgotten item of corporate office yesteryear would introduce themselves in turn and provide an individual life update.   

The Business Hat gleefully started the discussion. My friends of the COO, take heart as I was recently reading an article in the Italian edition of Vogue, and apparently fashion repeats itself, usually every fifteen years! It’s been a much longer time for me, but I’m convinced that I have already seen signs of a reinvigorated hat-life on many a corporate office worker’s head! I’m so convinced of this impending hat rebirth, that I’ve already given myself a detailed brushing down and sprucing in preparation for the occasion. 

I too have seen signs of this fashion trend, said the Business Shirt with an air of excitement in their voice. The other COO members all leaned forward in their chairs to listen. For many years now, I have been residing in a hermit-like manner in the darkest position in the clothes cupboard fighting off a relentless onslaught of preying silverfish and other unwelcome clothing vermin. As you can all see, I have a buttoned collar, slots for cuff-links, and a pocket strategically positioned over the wearer’s left breast. And guess what, you will never believe it, but I was actually worn yesterday!! The sound of sighs, shock and respect, gleefully permeated the room from all those seated. 

As soon as the Shirt had concluded, a rapid rustling of metal was heard in the base of the chair occupied by the Cufflinks who supported the assertions of the Shirt thereby adding credibility to their positive proclamation. 

This prompted the Neck-Tie, and even the Bow-tie, to quickly unravel in their chairs as they too sensed, and willed, their possible re-participation back into corporate office life. 

However, many other members of the COO continued to have a glum look on their faces as they regrettably knew that their days were numbered as technology, not fashion, had unfortunately passed them by. These chairs were occupied by the Blackberry phone, it’s cousin the Nokia, and now by the matriarchal Desk Phone. Some of them would survive as they resided alone on a cold, dusty, glass shelf in a museum, but for the rest, their longevity seemed doomed.

The eyes of the Business Shirt saw the look of despair on his long sitting technology challenged telephonic friends and tried to cheer them up with the following comment. “My COO friends, don’t despair. Fashion does repeat itself, but it also recycles those that were once deemed good and useful into something even better. Have no doubt, that you will all be reincarnated into an office item that is most worthy of your composition. It will happen to us all….one day.”

The OSW then closed the meeting and wondered, who next from the Corporate Office would attending, and how many chairs would be required? Time would tell.  

Sandals – Free your toes, and those ideas!







Yes, why don’t you put your weary corporate feet up on your desk and have a well-deserved rest. If you have done this, you will undoubtedly be experiencing that gleeful moment of soothing and calming bliss. And, should none of your work colleagues be looking, nor in close sensory proximity, surreptitiously remove your socks, or stockings, and free your corporately constrained toes. Once done, you will now be in a state of happy “pedibus” pleasure.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could maintain this toey enjoyment on a habitual basis, not one when you are made to feel like a foot rebel of non-corporate compliance?

You will be pleased to know that there is indeed a solution, one that is practical, is pleasing to the eye of those deemed to be astute, and meets the self-actualisation needs that your toes have been yearning for throughout your office working career.

The answer is called the “Sandal”.

Alas, many people walking the corridors of the corporate office do not have the courage to adorn this innovative fashion statement upon their feet for fear of unwarranted embarrassment or perceived ridicule. My response, how proposterous! If you are a leader, you need to step up and put one bare toed foot in front of the other and claim your sandal wearing freedom.

Sandals are also the perfect foundation to support a culture of creativity and innovation. The spiffy sandal owner can wear a plethora of different coloured socks (even white), paint their toenails with voluminous vibrancy and choose from a range of chic sandal styles.

Those progressive corporate organisations that readily adopt this welcome addition to their corporate office wear will already be thinking about where to install the requisite foot podiatric self-cleansing units to maintain those basic psychological needs, that being an acceptable nice smelling working environment, in, and around, the employee’s desk.

Sandals are also the perfect complement to those wearing a stylish suit (perhaps safari), business shorts, paisley skirt, or even a kilt. Long or short socks are a choice left to the individual, but most instances, the naked foot is considered the optimum.

Think of the great leaders of yesteryear, many of which gladly wore and encouraged the wearing of sandals. I will admit that there are some impressive individuals that publicly didn’t, but when they got home, rumour has it that the first item of clothing to be immediately discarded were their uncomfortable shoes, quickly replaced with a soothing sandal.

Now for all those that have thoughts of achieving an innovative mindset, the answer is simple. You need to free your toes. Let them wiggle in harmony with all those ideas that have been bound and closeted in your mind for far too long. The choice is up to you, but do recognise that the wearing of the sandal provides the ideal catalyst, and one that you can quickly place upon your feet for everyone to see and appreciate.  

Master of Bagpipes Application (MBA)

This intellectually demanding MBA degree was initially only offered at those most discerning of business management schools, like Edinburgh and Glasgow, but now other prestigious universities of professional note have quickly puffed their cheeks and offer it to those who are hoping to be worthy.

Historically, the student had to be of Scottish origin to fully appreciate the requisite harmonic contribution, but today anyone who has the individual desire to uniquely stand out and to be unmistakably heard in the business crowd is clamouring to be enrolled in this course knowing of the phenomenal personal benefit.  

Yet, the Master of Bagpipes Application (MBA) is not for the faint hearted as one needs large lungs to muster the voluminous air requirements to achieve the desired highly audible standard.

The MBA takes three full years to complete and following graduation the highly sought and fortunate individual will have attained all the necessary life skills required to be a recognised leader in any business field they may happen to choose.  

Year 1: Playing the Pipes
Yes, all students do actually learn to play the bagpipes and are encouraged to practice when at the corporate office, preferably during lunchtime (if studying part-time), or at home late in the evenings when most of your family and neighbours are tucked up in their beds trying to sleep. The objective with this module is to eliminate the student’s self-consciousness and to build personal resilience to any potential negative comments. After all, as a business leader, sometimes your staff may not like what they hear, so this is perfect opportunity for them to start getting used to it.

Year 2: Clothing
Corporate office wear can be quite sexist with various traditional suit and dress stereotypes that typically prevail for all employees regardless of their age, experience or physical stature. This is where the kilt comes into the foray as the perfect clothing standard of equal opportunity for all those in the corporate office. In this module, all students are taught the correct and fashionable ways of wearing a kilt, complete with the appropriate tartan that complements and embellishes their individual personality.

Year 3: Building your Persona
Graduates of the MBA will never need to be introduced by their peers when entering a meeting or a conference room for the first time. They will also have no requirement to waste precious environmental paper resources in getting those old fashioned business cards printed for the customary hand-to-hand distribution. One short puff of the bagpipes will quickly announce their presence and they are assured never be forgotten.
In this module, students role-play marching up and down office corridors whilst playing the bagpipes, fully adorned in their kilt in order to perfect the optimum visual and audible entrance.  

So should you want to have a successful business career, together with one entwined in musical Scottish harmony, may I suggest you enquire at the business school nearest you to see if they have an MBA that is worthy of your time and money.

Tapadh leibh 

Rediscovering your Office Post COVID-19







When that momentous day finally arrives and you are allowed to legally reacquaint yourself with your long forgotten COVID-19 free office of old, will you be prepared for the emotional experience?

You, and many of your colleagues, may become teary, or not cope with the prospect of actually leaving that safe and hygienic home fortress of your private abode that has protected you from the pandemic onslaught for the past few months.

Now before you step into your car, or on to your preferred mode of public transport, here are some helpful tips to support you on your office journey.

Office Amnesia
Many of you may have forgotten where you actually work and have no idea on how to get there? Relax, as this common condition is known as “Office Amnesia” and you are not alone with this conflicting malady. The prescribed solution is to find one of your old business cards, one that has your name on it, and not one of the many Uber Eats promotional cards that you have accumulated over your weeks of home captivity. Now find your work address, enter the location into Google Maps, and be prepared to follow it without any creative deviation.  

Buttons
Once you have arrived at work, some of you may need to locate a vertically moving metal cubicle to reach the lofty heights of your office. With time, the word “Elevator” will indeed re-emerge into your vocabulary. I’m conscious that the majority of you will have been confined to a single or double story house, or apartment, but don’t be too perturbed about having to travel into the upper regions, you used to do it all the time and experienced no ill altitude related physical effects, in fact, some of you used to actually fly on business! (Note: you do need to press the illuminated numbers on the elevator wall in order to commence your ascension)

Desk
On arrival at your desk, you may still need to wear your face mask. Not due to COVID-19, but owing to the large accumulation of office dust and other residual muck that could be a potential health hazard. This visually annoying dust build up will be more discernible for those of you that partake in the “clean desk policy”, however, for those employees that adhere to the “mess is best” methodology, you will be none the wiser.

Coffee
As you will no longer have the option of disguising your lack of work productivity via the use of Zoom, Webex or Teams video-conferencing where you could speedily turn your camera off or on, complete with a background of visual stimulation, you will now need to muster a cleverly crafted facial look of concentration from at least 8:30 AM to 5 PM. To accomplish this forgotten feat, you will strategically need to locate the coffee machine with military precision, or a nearby café that is not full to the brim with those needing a welcome retreat from the tiring corporate environment.  

Home Time
Although you couldn’t wait to get back to the corporate office, once 5 PM arrives, you will be busting with fatigue to make it home so you can rapidly disrobe in private and re-familiarise yourself with those comfy trackie pants that you have lived in for months (Note: unlike trackie pants, a suit or skirt does need to be hung on a coat hanger in order to avoid creasing).

So, my corporate office colleagues, by closely adhering to these tips, you will be prepared for your first day back in the office. However, don’t forget that you need to do this for 5 days (Monday to Friday). It is not a once off random event, but your job!