Rediscovering your Office Post COVID-19







When that momentous day finally arrives and you are allowed to legally reacquaint yourself with your long forgotten COVID-19 free office of old, will you be prepared for the emotional experience?

You, and many of your colleagues, may become teary, or not cope with the prospect of actually leaving that safe and hygienic home fortress of your private abode that has protected you from the pandemic onslaught for the past few months.

Now before you step into your car, or on to your preferred mode of public transport, here are some helpful tips to support you on your office journey.

Office Amnesia
Many of you may have forgotten where you actually work and have no idea on how to get there? Relax, as this common condition is known as “Office Amnesia” and you are not alone with this conflicting malady. The prescribed solution is to find one of your old business cards, one that has your name on it, and not one of the many Uber Eats promotional cards that you have accumulated over your weeks of home captivity. Now find your work address, enter the location into Google Maps, and be prepared to follow it without any creative deviation.  

Buttons
Once you have arrived at work, some of you may need to locate a vertically moving metal cubicle to reach the lofty heights of your office. With time, the word “Elevator” will indeed re-emerge into your vocabulary. I’m conscious that the majority of you will have been confined to a single or double story house, or apartment, but don’t be too perturbed about having to travel into the upper regions, you used to do it all the time and experienced no ill altitude related physical effects, in fact, some of you used to actually fly on business! (Note: you do need to press the illuminated numbers on the elevator wall in order to commence your ascension)

Desk
On arrival at your desk, you may still need to wear your face mask. Not due to COVID-19, but owing to the large accumulation of office dust and other residual muck that could be a potential health hazard. This visually annoying dust build up will be more discernible for those of you that partake in the “clean desk policy”, however, for those employees that adhere to the “mess is best” methodology, you will be none the wiser.

Coffee
As you will no longer have the option of disguising your lack of work productivity via the use of Zoom, Webex or Teams video-conferencing where you could speedily turn your camera off or on, complete with a background of visual stimulation, you will now need to muster a cleverly crafted facial look of concentration from at least 8:30 AM to 5 PM. To accomplish this forgotten feat, you will strategically need to locate the coffee machine with military precision, or a nearby café that is not full to the brim with those needing a welcome retreat from the tiring corporate environment.  

Home Time
Although you couldn’t wait to get back to the corporate office, once 5 PM arrives, you will be busting with fatigue to make it home so you can rapidly disrobe in private and re-familiarise yourself with those comfy trackie pants that you have lived in for months (Note: unlike trackie pants, a suit or skirt does need to be hung on a coat hanger in order to avoid creasing).

So, my corporate office colleagues, by closely adhering to these tips, you will be prepared for your first day back in the office. However, don’t forget that you need to do this for 5 days (Monday to Friday). It is not a once off random event, but your job!

Teleconferencing with a New Translation










Announcing the innovative “Babel” system for teleconferencing.
Finally, a modern communication format that meets the translation needs of all users, regardless of their spoken language, nationality, age, sex, business or social wants, Babel accommodates them all with ease.

Your traditional teleconferencing formats, such as Zoom, Webex, Teams, Facetime, and any others that you are probably using right now are so passé, and will definitely be quickly transferred into your computer recycle bin following the simple and hassle free installation of Babel.

So what exactly is Babel, and how does it work?

The Babel system was designed by the Dolphin IT organisation and uses a wickedly clever tonal analysis program that interprets any form of speech and translates what is really being said into an audible format that is fully comprehendible by the willing listener. To demonstrate the power of the Babel, consider the following examples:

The Millennial
Many words and phrases are used by the Millennial that the ears of Baby Boomers and Generation X individuals just can’t seem to understand. But relax, as the Babel translates these phrases into a string of words that seem surprising logical and somewhat reasonable. The other benefit of the Babel is that it accurately translates in both directions, so all generations of ears will no longer have the excuse of saying “I don’t know what you are talking about”.

Accountants
Yes, even the language used by these baffling individuals can be readily understood and speedily translated into a format that quickly dissolves the complex array of acronyms and financial jargon that many an accountant historically used as a means of differentiation.

Other Professions
But wait, the Babel can translate the language used by all professionals and tradesman. So next time you are verbally engaging with a Lawyer, Real Estate Agent, Plumber, Salesperson, or even a Marketer, you will indeed understand what they are actually saying.

Presidential Campaigns
Yes, Babel does have the capability to translate what all Politicians are expounding, but owing to substantial financial contributions made by the political parties to the Dolphin IT organisation (which will remain anonymous), we have elected to deactivate this Babel translation function.  

Animals
The Babel translation process is currently working on a system which will eventually accommodate the audible dialog between pets and their owners. However, following initial trials with dogs, it became quickly apparent that dogs liked not being readily understood as it provided them with a license to dig holes, make a mess, be fed, walked on barked command, and to get their owner’s to pick up their droppings.


Yes, Babel is available now, but it does come with a written and verbal warning that states: Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, and occasionally it is best not to know what the other person is saying, particularly when it relates to you.