Feed Them “Meat”

For all those publicly acknowledged carnivores amongst us, there is a common phrase that is music to your famished ears, that being, “Feed them Meat”. Yes, there are many of us that have, and still do, happily savour the burning aromas from a simmering hot-plate with our knives sharpened, and our forks perched in eager anticipation ready for the mouthwatering onslaught. 

But alas, things are indeed a changing, and for a meat eater, the days of doing so are now becoming less acceptable to society as a new form of protein is strategically making its bloodless mark on the dining plate. The competition is in the form of a plant, and it is increasingly gaining an accepted gourmet reputation amongst diners of all ages around the globe. 

The manufacturers of this protein substitute are indeed most clever and have meticulously applied all their years of masterful university learning when situated in the chemistry laboratory when the vast majority of us meat eaters were comfortably lounging about in a state of gastronomic stupor at the burger restaurant without a care in the world, blissfully unaware that our menus would soon change forever. 

The days of the “Big Mac”, “The Whopper”, or the world-renowned cheeseburger having pride of place on the ordering menu have now given way to “The Impossible Whopper”, “Beyond Meat”, even those common as muck meats such as chicken, fish and the humble egg can now be ordered in a plant-based version. I am not one to judge, nor hinder societal progress, as every consumer has the right to choose their preferred choice of protein. 

However, putting all meat prejudices aside, what I will state here is that the real winner is innovation. 

Who would have thought, that the term “meat” may no longer meat, but rather could be an animal or a possibly even a plant. The application of innovation has forced the simple consumer into actually making a decision on whether they say “bah humbug” and continue to munch in the manner of their forebears, or do they consider the sustainability needs of future generations? Who knows, only time and the gradual grinding of their teeth will tell. 

Remember the small child, maybe yourself, who in the past, would quickly summon their creativity and surreptitiously maneuver their unwanted vegetables, particularly any item that was green, under or within the meat that covered the majority of the plate. What will current generations now do in this emerging world of plant-based protein growth? Will the reverse occur as the animal protein is speedily eaten or camouflaged and hidden in copious amounts of vegetables and other plant like substitutes as they are too embarrassed to challenge the sustainable norm?

One thing is certain, progress is good, and so is innovation. Just ask any caveman whose diet was very simple and monotonous, and who would kill for a hearty meal, as long as it wasn’t them! So as that saying goes, “Feed them Meat…or Plants”, all is now acceptable. 

The Male COVID Head-Garden

For any creative men reading this blog post that have been forced into yet another COVID-19 lockdown, you may have run out of innovative ideas to keep yourself fully occupied whilst you are homebound.

Yes, all men are different, but as all families know, particularly those of the female persuasion, men need to have a different project for each COVID-19 home confinement, and one that entertains them for at least 24 hours in the day, otherwise, they go stir crazy!

Relax, and use your male head as therein lies the answer that you desperately seek, the solution being, to grow your own individual “head-garden”.

Like any garden, a head-garden needs to be planned, cultivated and requires continual maintenance in order to ensure an optimum hair foliage outcome. The follicle growth resides deep within the incumbent DNA structure of every man, and uniquely flourishes with their varying levels of male testosterone in a variety of potent fertiliser concentrations. The result being that no male head-garden is ever the same.  

Now to get started, your need a plan, as your head-garden won’t happen overnight, but it will happen, as any hairy man will attest.

Most men’s heads are blessed with a full range of potential garden plots as hairs sprout forth from a plethora of locations, that being on top of the head, face, eyebrows, ears and nostrils. Some hair plots do struggle if the testosterone levels are too high, but other man areas seem to compensate in order to maintain the desired follicle equilibrium.

The planning decisions are quite simple and are easily ploughed via the use of a sharp razor, or its lack of application where hairs can frequently grow wild. Once the geometric head-garden has been agreed, the man just needs to let nature take its course as the hairs will quickly and effortlessly propagate. Over the torturous days of lockdown, the hairs will bud out and take the intended form, just as man desired.

However, men can assist their head garden growth via the strategic application of numerous moisturisers, conditioners and shampoos, so as to encourage strong follicular growth. Personal scents and tonics can also be splashed onto any hairless exposed facial areas to add bespoke features to the head-garden personalisation.

Alas, with all COVID-19 lockdowns, they do eventually come to an end. At this point, the man now has to make a decision prior to his long awaited return to the corporate office, that being to keep the head-garden, or to slash and weed it. This is a tough man choice as he would have nurtured his head-garden with love and respect over the time of home incarceration.

The recommended solution is to take a head-garden photo, and to then enter it into your local council garden club competition for posterity. But don’t let your work colleagues see it, as each male head-garden is strictly for your own lockdown enjoyment, and men can get a tad too jealous.  

The Working from Home Wipeout







For those of you that have spent the past few months working from home with a COVID restraining legrope that has successfully tied you to your desk of self-isolation, there is a proven outdoor immersion wipeout that will immediately refresh your starved physical senses. This rejuvenation act is commonly known as surfing and is one that any progressive Human Resources Manager will strongly recommend to all corporate office employees, regardless of their age, sex or body flotation ability following weeks of incremental self pudgification.

Surfing requires minimal equipment, but one necessary prerequisite is water, ideally with movement in the form of waves that traverse up and down with regular repetition. The optimum wave size may vary, and is directly linked to the perceived risk profile of the employee, but in general, a slight pond ripple will be deemed too small, but an ocean tsunami is considered by many to be a tad too imposing, somewhere in between is the goldilocks wave and will be just right. My advice, seek out a beach as you will have a high probability in finding what you desire.

Regardless of the weather, most surfers adorn a wetsuit which is used to provide welcome thermal protection. But for those of us who may have visited the COVID lockdown household fridge on too many occasions, the wetsuit provides a more useful purpose. That being, an ideal girth circumferential retardant mechanism that maintains some sense of personal dignity, particularly when frolicking with one’s office colleagues in an uninhibited outdoor physical state, many of whom may not have seen you for an extended period of time. 

Another benefit of surfing is that electrically powered items and water are deemed by the laws of physics to be not compatible. As such, there will be no temptation to take your mobile phone or work computer with you, nor will you see any fridges stocked with food and drink to surreptitiously persuade you from your intended outdoor goal. 

Your eyes will also appreciate the lack of electrical gadgetry which may have negatively impacted your sight via continual teleconference concentration. Waves are typically quite large, so regardless of how good or poor your eyesight is, when an unexpected wave fully encapsulates your body and drives your face deep into the sand, you will know immediately of their presence.

A surfboard is also another necessary piece of kit as it assists with employee flotation. However, don’t forget the Archimedes Principle as the size of the board will need to be customised to the individual’s body surface area, which may have slowly increased owing to some slothful home working experience.

Practice does indeed make your chances of staying on top of your surfboard more successful, but that’s not the primary objective. Your HR Team want the sea water to effortlessly bleach out any residual mental constraints that may be hindering your return to the office. So go forth and get wet, and then go fully revitalized ready to Hang Five.

The Presidential Nose





This nose just keeps getting longer!

It’s now so large, that I need to stand at least 6 feet away from those that I’m talking to, otherwise my nose pierces them straight in the eye. But that’s OK, as most of my friends are one-eyed anyway.

Why it keeps growing, I have no idea, but after every media conference, directive and tweet that I posted, an additional inch immediately appeared? Funny, those colleagues in my political party all seem to have a similar malady? It’s not an issue, as COVID is fake, so I don’t need to wear a mask, and with a nose like this, it would be impossible anyway.

But a massive nose does have some advantages, particularly when playing golf. It’s like a second club that allows me to surreptitiously spike my ball and discreetly move it to a more favourable position on the fairway, or even on to the middle of the green. No one would notice, nor have the courage to say anything anyway, now would they?

Although the nickname President Pinocchio does have a certain pointedness to it, but after my two unsuccessful impeachment trials, some anonymity does have some benefits. Thanks again to my political compatriots, great to know that our values are fully aligned, and yes, with time, you do get used to the nose growth, albeit a tad visually annoying at first.

Sleeping has always been an issue, particularly as I could never sleep straight in bed, regardless of how much I tried. But, with this whopper of a nose, sleeping is superb as I can’t roll off my back without shish kebabbing the mattress, or those in a dangerous close proximity, so it’s the perfect sleep aid for a man with my nasal stature.  

And of course, there is the complex issue of blowing my nose, but this I have resolved masterly with creative innovation. Most people when they sneeze, say “pardon me”. Not me, I just Pardon those that supported my dubious Presidential endeavours. The result seems to please them, and therefore me, and as the saying goes, its always good to have a handkerchief in your pocket if required for a future Presidential campaign?

Well, that’s enough from me, for the time being…..

Sandals – Free your toes, and those ideas!







Yes, why don’t you put your weary corporate feet up on your desk and have a well-deserved rest. If you have done this, you will undoubtedly be experiencing that gleeful moment of soothing and calming bliss. And, should none of your work colleagues be looking, nor in close sensory proximity, surreptitiously remove your socks, or stockings, and free your corporately constrained toes. Once done, you will now be in a state of happy “pedibus” pleasure.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could maintain this toey enjoyment on a habitual basis, not one when you are made to feel like a foot rebel of non-corporate compliance?

You will be pleased to know that there is indeed a solution, one that is practical, is pleasing to the eye of those deemed to be astute, and meets the self-actualisation needs that your toes have been yearning for throughout your office working career.

The answer is called the “Sandal”.

Alas, many people walking the corridors of the corporate office do not have the courage to adorn this innovative fashion statement upon their feet for fear of unwarranted embarrassment or perceived ridicule. My response, how proposterous! If you are a leader, you need to step up and put one bare toed foot in front of the other and claim your sandal wearing freedom.

Sandals are also the perfect foundation to support a culture of creativity and innovation. The spiffy sandal owner can wear a plethora of different coloured socks (even white), paint their toenails with voluminous vibrancy and choose from a range of chic sandal styles.

Those progressive corporate organisations that readily adopt this welcome addition to their corporate office wear will already be thinking about where to install the requisite foot podiatric self-cleansing units to maintain those basic psychological needs, that being an acceptable nice smelling working environment, in, and around, the employee’s desk.

Sandals are also the perfect complement to those wearing a stylish suit (perhaps safari), business shorts, paisley skirt, or even a kilt. Long or short socks are a choice left to the individual, but most instances, the naked foot is considered the optimum.

Think of the great leaders of yesteryear, many of which gladly wore and encouraged the wearing of sandals. I will admit that there are some impressive individuals that publicly didn’t, but when they got home, rumour has it that the first item of clothing to be immediately discarded were their uncomfortable shoes, quickly replaced with a soothing sandal.

Now for all those that have thoughts of achieving an innovative mindset, the answer is simple. You need to free your toes. Let them wiggle in harmony with all those ideas that have been bound and closeted in your mind for far too long. The choice is up to you, but do recognise that the wearing of the sandal provides the ideal catalyst, and one that you can quickly place upon your feet for everyone to see and appreciate.  

Master of Bagpipes Application (MBA)








This intellectually demanding MBA degree was initially only offered at those most discerning of business management schools, like Edinburgh and Glasgow, but now other prestigious universities of professional note have quickly puffed their cheeks and offer it to those who are hoping to be worthy.

Historically, the student had to be of Scottish origin to fully appreciate the requisite harmonic contribution, but today anyone who has the individual desire to uniquely stand out and to be unmistakably heard in the business crowd is clamouring to be enrolled in this course knowing of the phenomenal personal benefit.  

Yet, the Master of Bagpipes Application (MBA) is not for the faint hearted as one needs large lungs to muster the voluminous air requirements to achieve the desired highly audible standard.

The MBA takes three full years to complete and following graduation the highly sought and fortunate individual will have attained all the necessary life skills required to be a recognised leader in any business field they may happen to choose.  

Year 1: Playing the Pipes
Yes, all students do actually learn to play the bagpipes and are encouraged to practice when at the corporate office, preferably during lunchtime (if studying part-time), or at home late in the evenings when most of your family and neighbours are tucked up in their beds trying to sleep. The objective with this module is to eliminate the student’s self-consciousness and to build personal resilience to any potential negative comments. After all, as a business leader, sometimes your staff may not like what they hear, so this is perfect opportunity for them to start getting used to it.

Year 2: Clothing
Corporate office wear can be quite sexist with various traditional suit and dress stereotypes that typically prevail for all employees regardless of their age, experience or physical stature. This is where the kilt comes into the foray as the perfect clothing standard of equal opportunity for all those in the corporate office. In this module, all students are taught the correct and fashionable ways of wearing a kilt, complete with the appropriate tartan that complements and embellishes their individual personality.

Year 3: Building your Persona
Graduates of the MBA will never need to be introduced by their peers when entering a meeting or a conference room for the first time. They will also have no requirement to waste precious environmental paper resources in getting those old fashioned business cards printed for the customary hand-to-hand distribution. One short puff of the bagpipes will quickly announce their presence and they are assured never be forgotten.
In this module, students role-play marching up and down office corridors whilst playing the bagpipes, fully adorned in their kilt in order to perfect the optimum visual and audible entrance.  

So should you want to have a successful business career, together with one entwined in musical Scottish harmony, may I suggest you enquire at the business school nearest you to see if they have an MBA that is worthy of your time and money.

Tapadh leibh 

Rediscovering your Office Post COVID-19







When that momentous day finally arrives and you are allowed to legally reacquaint yourself with your long forgotten COVID-19 free office of old, will you be prepared for the emotional experience?

You, and many of your colleagues, may become teary, or not cope with the prospect of actually leaving that safe and hygienic home fortress of your private abode that has protected you from the pandemic onslaught for the past few months.

Now before you step into your car, or on to your preferred mode of public transport, here are some helpful tips to support you on your office journey.

Office Amnesia
Many of you may have forgotten where you actually work and have no idea on how to get there? Relax, as this common condition is known as “Office Amnesia” and you are not alone with this conflicting malady. The prescribed solution is to find one of your old business cards, one that has your name on it, and not one of the many Uber Eats promotional cards that you have accumulated over your weeks of home captivity. Now find your work address, enter the location into Google Maps, and be prepared to follow it without any creative deviation.  

Buttons
Once you have arrived at work, some of you may need to locate a vertically moving metal cubicle to reach the lofty heights of your office. With time, the word “Elevator” will indeed re-emerge into your vocabulary. I’m conscious that the majority of you will have been confined to a single or double story house, or apartment, but don’t be too perturbed about having to travel into the upper regions, you used to do it all the time and experienced no ill altitude related physical effects, in fact, some of you used to actually fly on business! (Note: you do need to press the illuminated numbers on the elevator wall in order to commence your ascension)

Desk
On arrival at your desk, you may still need to wear your face mask. Not due to COVID-19, but owing to the large accumulation of office dust and other residual muck that could be a potential health hazard. This visually annoying dust build up will be more discernible for those of you that partake in the “clean desk policy”, however, for those employees that adhere to the “mess is best” methodology, you will be none the wiser.

Coffee
As you will no longer have the option of disguising your lack of work productivity via the use of Zoom, Webex or Teams video-conferencing where you could speedily turn your camera off or on, complete with a background of visual stimulation, you will now need to muster a cleverly crafted facial look of concentration from at least 8:30 AM to 5 PM. To accomplish this forgotten feat, you will strategically need to locate the coffee machine with military precision, or a nearby café that is not full to the brim with those needing a welcome retreat from the tiring corporate environment.  

Home Time
Although you couldn’t wait to get back to the corporate office, once 5 PM arrives, you will be busting with fatigue to make it home so you can rapidly disrobe in private and re-familiarise yourself with those comfy trackie pants that you have lived in for months (Note: unlike trackie pants, a suit or skirt does need to be hung on a coat hanger in order to avoid creasing).

So, my corporate office colleagues, by closely adhering to these tips, you will be prepared for your first day back in the office. However, don’t forget that you need to do this for 5 days (Monday to Friday). It is not a once off random event, but your job!

Teleconferencing with a New Translation










Announcing the innovative “Babel” system for teleconferencing.
Finally, a modern communication format that meets the translation needs of all users, regardless of their spoken language, nationality, age, sex, business or social wants, Babel accommodates them all with ease.

Your traditional teleconferencing formats, such as Zoom, Webex, Teams, Facetime, and any others that you are probably using right now are so passé, and will definitely be quickly transferred into your computer recycle bin following the simple and hassle free installation of Babel.

So what exactly is Babel, and how does it work?

The Babel system was designed by the Dolphin IT organisation and uses a wickedly clever tonal analysis program that interprets any form of speech and translates what is really being said into an audible format that is fully comprehendible by the willing listener. To demonstrate the power of the Babel, consider the following examples:

The Millennial
Many words and phrases are used by the Millennial that the ears of Baby Boomers and Generation X individuals just can’t seem to understand. But relax, as the Babel translates these phrases into a string of words that seem surprising logical and somewhat reasonable. The other benefit of the Babel is that it accurately translates in both directions, so all generations of ears will no longer have the excuse of saying “I don’t know what you are talking about”.

Accountants
Yes, even the language used by these baffling individuals can be readily understood and speedily translated into a format that quickly dissolves the complex array of acronyms and financial jargon that many an accountant historically used as a means of differentiation.

Other Professions
But wait, the Babel can translate the language used by all professionals and tradesman. So next time you are verbally engaging with a Lawyer, Real Estate Agent, Plumber, Salesperson, or even a Marketer, you will indeed understand what they are actually saying.

Presidential Campaigns
Yes, Babel does have the capability to translate what all Politicians are expounding, but owing to substantial financial contributions made by the political parties to the Dolphin IT organisation (which will remain anonymous), we have elected to deactivate this Babel translation function.  

Animals
The Babel translation process is currently working on a system which will eventually accommodate the audible dialog between pets and their owners. However, following initial trials with dogs, it became quickly apparent that dogs liked not being readily understood as it provided them with a license to dig holes, make a mess, be fed, walked on barked command, and to get their owner’s to pick up their droppings.


Yes, Babel is available now, but it does come with a written and verbal warning that states: Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, and occasionally it is best not to know what the other person is saying, particularly when it relates to you.

Cohabitation Code of Conduct – Your Human Performance Review

ted-2-buzz

As with all Cohabitation Codes of Conduct that involve teddy bear-human relationships, a performance review discussion is indeed worth the time allocated, and this one is long overdue let me assure you! As they say, no time is better than the present, so as your teddy-bear, may I ask you to sit down, carefully move those unwieldly and messy food stained cushions away, and let’s get on with your appraisal.

In order to avoid any personal teddy-bear bias, I have surreptitiously done a 360 feedback on you and have diligently summarised the anonymous responses from all the other stuffed animals that have had to cohabitate with you whilst you have been “working” from home. Your score is rated out of three (3), as teddy bears for some strange reason only have three fingers on each paw. You will also be pleased to know that the lowest possible rating is zero (0), which should put your human mind at ease.  So how did you go?

Cleanliness
As with most typical performance appraisals, the modus operandi is to provide positive encouragement for those activities that need improvement, so as to not demoralise the recipient. After some careful consideration, which resulted in many commonly used human expletives quickly permeating my innocent teddy-bear mind, I have decided to immediately reject this approach and have elected to go straight to the jugular. Your rating is zero (0), you are the messiest individual this household has ever known. You think you are disguising this poor personal trait by choosing an orderly, fictitious video conference background, but we teddy bears know the truth. Be warned, we have taken incriminating photos showing you in your real-time slothful state, and will publish them on social media should there be no immediate noticeable improvement!

Clothing
When you first started working from home, you dressed in a smart, casual manner. Clothes were ironed, clean and colour coordinated. So much so that we, your adoring teddy-bears, looked forward to seeing you each morning with eager anticipation as we excitedly wondered what fashion clothing foray would be presented to us, and to your virtual work colleagues. However, as the weeks and months have progressed, all we now see is the repetition of trackie pants and a creased t-shirt, no shoes or socks, and embarrassingly sometimes, even less. As such, your performance rating is one (1), thankfully, you were wearing clothes.

Teddy-bear Interaction
You used to speak to us all the time. We would have a prime sitting position, strategically placed on the edge of your work desk, just out of sight from your video camera, but we felt part of your team, we had your respect. But now, we are habitually flung face down into the intolerable depths of your couch, or even worse, your cupboard. We no longer feel the love. It is for this reason that we have all agreed that your rating is a solid zero (0).

In summary, your standards have dropped. You have not abided by the Cohabitation Code of Conduct, and it is for this reason that your teddy-bear cohorts respectfully request that your return to your corporate office and cease working from home. Enough is enough!

Life as we know it

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“Life as we know it” has certainly changed with COVID-19, but will it change for ever?

What if no vaccine is found and humankind gradually morphs into a COVID-19 tolerant version of ourselves as postulated in Darwin’s Theory of Evolution? What would we, and the corporate workplace look like in the future?

Governments all around the world have decreed that face-masks need to be worn at all times when in public, and even in the office. Studies have indicated that when one of mankind’s senses is destroyed, or not used, another sense is increased to maintain the sensory balance.

The wearing of a facemask impinges our ability to smell, to get sun on our faces. Will this lead to our nostrils becoming larger in order to absorb more odours, our skin becoming more bleached with less exposure to the sun’s rays, and the days of men needing to shave ceasing owing to minimal facial hair follicle stimulation? Will our noses and ears become more pointed to assist with holding a face-mask firmly in place?

Many of us are now working from home. Will we need an office in the future? Will cities be replaced with a sprawl of suburbia where we all comingle electronically rather than in person? Will a computer keyboard be required for the typing of communications? If not, will our fingers become less nimble and take on a short, stumpy appearance?

Relax, and take no heed, nor concern to the above, as innovation will indeed find the requisite solution. According to Newton’s third law, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. Mankind is creative, and whilst a facemask is dulling some of our facial senses, be assured that the corresponding thought senses associated with innovation have been given a boost of creativity and are working to the maximum.

A welcome solution to COVID-19 will indeed be found and “Life as we know it” will continue, albeit with a temporary hiccup in time. Our faces will be the same, men will continue to shave, and the corporate office will still exist, but maybe with some efficiency tweaks of improvement from a positive outcome from working from home.

So what do we need to do in this time of COVID-19 crisis…..Innovate!

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