The Achievement of “Mobility Optimization”

Roads these days now cater for a variety of users, all with differing needs and requirements. To do this, many a driver will have observed the ever growing emergence of a number of specialist lanes segmenting the bitumen for motorised vehicles, cyclists, roller skaters, skateboarders, those wanting to travel slowly, and of course pedestrians. Each lane is typically branded with a painted logo and may even enjoy a unique colour and/or road texture to provide additional differentiation.

No longer do roads just exist for the humble automobile, they now facilitate the movement of a many a mode of transport. The result is what I will term “mobility optimization”.

There is another transport corridor which could benefit greatly from the use of “mobility optimization”, and that is in the corporate office.

Most offices have a maze of corridors that link employees between various work stations, meeting rooms, food lounges and of course those dead-end traffic zones known as photocopy rooms. People are all walking at different speeds, some dawdling along in deep thought, others perched up against a wall enjoying some social interchange creating a walking hazard for others, some carefully juggling a number of work items such as computers, folders and a steaming long black coffee cup that is poised for spillage, others just in a hurry to get out of the building!

The solution is obvious! The corporate office needs to establish transit lanes in the workplace corridors to facilitate “mobility optimization”.

For those people in a hurry, their corridor lane could be made from polished floorboards to assist fast walking, running or even the use of corporate approved roller skates (furnishing the company logo) for the achievement of optimum speed around the building.

The slow walking lane would consist of a thick shag pile carpet, together with the occasional table and chair on which a number of drinking glasses would be placed to support and maintain the reduced speed objective.

Like on a freeway, where car breakdown zones exist on the side of the road out of harms way, office corridors would be designed with “dialog zones” where employees could stop and socialise in small out of the way “bunker nooks” that do not hinder those co-workers that are on the move.

Surveillance speed cameras could be mounted above each corridor to ensure the correct use of each lane. Those employees observed not following the “terms and conditions” of their selected lane usage, would receive a “mobility optimization infringement notice” that would be E-mailed to their work computer. Those repeat infringement offenders, would feel the wrath of the corporate wandering wofters! (a wrath that most people do not want to experience!).

So, in order to eliminate your corporate office of all movement hindrance resulting in transport inefficiency, may I suggest that you initiate a program of “mobility optimization” and enjoy a much more pleasant and effective office environment!

The Secret Wandering Wofter Xmas Tally

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At 9:37 PM on the 24th December in all innovative corporate organizations, a dim yellow light can be seen permeating under the door of a room that is hidden to most employees. This room, one that is normally dormant and unregistered in the corporate room-booking directory, is on this occasion full of virtuous activity.

On sneaking into the room, you will see it jam-packed with all the “Wandering Wofters” who have a secret role in the corporate organization, that being to see which employees have been “good” and those who have been “naughty” throughout the year.

The “Wandering Wofters” will all be sitting at a large table eating mince tarts, shortbread, smoked salmon and copious quantities of fresh prawns which are all being swilled down with many large corporate flagons containing the company accredited beverage.

Each “Wofter” will have a complete list of employee names and they will systematically vote on each of their co-workers. Those employees who have been “exceptionally good” receive 3 votes, those who have been “relatively good” get 2 votes, those who have just turned up to the office and logged on to their computer get the mandatory 1 vote.

However, for those employees who have been naughty, look out! Those employees who have:

a) Participated in the office Kris Kringle without providing a present (-3 votes)
b) Attended the office Xmas party without wearing the customary party hat, didn’t dance or play in the games (-2 votes)
c)  Those that have had a perpetual look of boredom and doom on their face throughout the corporate year (-1 vote)

At the conclusion of the Wofter voting process, all the votes are counted and the “Grand Wandering Wofter” (a very esteemed Wofter role with secret corporate privileges) delivers the result to the CEO who now applies their corporate Xmas “spirit and cheer” that becomes effective at midnight.

Those employees with a positive voting outcome receive “certain benefits” in the following year that range from job promotion, improved seating position, better coffee, access to the CEO lunch left-overs, etc, the magnitude being linked to the number of positive votes obtained. Those with the negative votes may find themselves now sitting further away from the cafeteria, nearer the noisy air-conditioning vent or experience that their swipe card to the employee car park occasionally fails leading to many embarrassing honks from frustrated co-workers. For the employee with the most negative score, I would be scared to provide you with the specific details for fear of personal Wofter reprisal! Needless to say, this employee’s working life next year will be intolerable!

So when you are next considering how you should behave in the corporate office, be aware that a Wandering Wofter will be secretly studying your every move and will be quietly observing how your personality influences those around you from a working and an innovative perspective.

As a parting gesture, on behalf of all the Wondering Wofters that frequent your corporate office, may I wish you all a merry Xmas and a happy new year!