Cohabitation Code of Conduct – Your Human Performance Review

ted-2-buzz

As with all Cohabitation Codes of Conduct that involve teddy bear-human relationships, a performance review discussion is indeed worth the time allocated, and this one is long overdue let me assure you! As they say, no time is better than the present, so as your teddy-bear, may I ask you to sit down, carefully move those unwieldly and messy food stained cushions away, and let’s get on with your appraisal.

In order to avoid any personal teddy-bear bias, I have surreptitiously done a 360 feedback on you and have diligently summarised the anonymous responses from all the other stuffed animals that have had to cohabitate with you whilst you have been “working” from home. Your score is rated out of three (3), as teddy bears for some strange reason only have three fingers on each paw. You will also be pleased to know that the lowest possible rating is zero (0), which should put your human mind at ease.  So how did you go?

Cleanliness
As with most typical performance appraisals, the modus operandi is to provide positive encouragement for those activities that need improvement, so as to not demoralise the recipient. After some careful consideration, which resulted in many commonly used human expletives quickly permeating my innocent teddy-bear mind, I have decided to immediately reject this approach and have elected to go straight to the jugular. Your rating is zero (0), you are the messiest individual this household has ever known. You think you are disguising this poor personal trait by choosing an orderly, fictitious video conference background, but we teddy bears know the truth. Be warned, we have taken incriminating photos showing you in your real-time slothful state, and will publish them on social media should there be no immediate noticeable improvement!

Clothing
When you first started working from home, you dressed in a smart, casual manner. Clothes were ironed, clean and colour coordinated. So much so that we, your adoring teddy-bears, looked forward to seeing you each morning with eager anticipation as we excitedly wondered what fashion clothing foray would be presented to us, and to your virtual work colleagues. However, as the weeks and months have progressed, all we now see is the repetition of trackie pants and a creased t-shirt, no shoes or socks, and embarrassingly sometimes, even less. As such, your performance rating is one (1), thankfully, you were wearing clothes.

Teddy-bear Interaction
You used to speak to us all the time. We would have a prime sitting position, strategically placed on the edge of your work desk, just out of sight from your video camera, but we felt part of your team, we had your respect. But now, we are habitually flung face down into the intolerable depths of your couch, or even worse, your cupboard. We no longer feel the love. It is for this reason that we have all agreed that your rating is a solid zero (0).

In summary, your standards have dropped. You have not abided by the Cohabitation Code of Conduct, and it is for this reason that your teddy-bear cohorts respectfully request that your return to your corporate office and cease working from home. Enough is enough!

The Cohabitation Code of Bear Conduct

7E04C9BE-D936-4F7A-91BC-F02D355E8429.jpeg.fa88e020fb0a76a78fba10d0d6cfb0d7

I understand that you adults now need to spend time working from home, but let’s get things straight, there needs to be rules. For many years, we Teddy Bears have lived in peace and quiet whilst you grown-ups have gone to work and had a human life. Well, if we are going to spend more days together, or potentially weeks in close proximity, things need to change.

As such, we, your Teddy Bears have banded together and have developed a Cohabitation Code of Bear Conduct. If you don’t obey it, we will be leaving your household as we are immune to any virus, so the loser in this relationship will be you, not us!

Video Conferencing
There is no need to shout. From our comfortable abode of sitting centrally on your bed in between the pillows, we can hear everything you say, even with our paws covering our ears. So please use a normal indoor voice. Yes, the microphone on your computer is working.

Clothing
Pyjamas were designed as night time wear, not for use during the day. And for those of you that think that you are clever by wearing a business shirt on your top half, with a pyjama bottom under the desk, everyone knows what you are doing so the only fool in the room is you.

Teddy Bear Attire
Yes, we bears typically wear no clothes. We are comfortable in our nudity, particularly as we have “no private parts” to interfere with any gender identity. However, you humans need to think twice about copying our lack of clothing standards. What is acceptable in the corporate office must apply during the work day hours. We don’t care what you do in the evenings as is portrayed by the continual glazed look of neutral non-interest that we have carefully mastered after years of human behavioural observation.

Sneezing and Coughing
Teddy Bears don’t like baths, particularly soap. As such, we do not like being sneezed or coughed upon and request that you keep a handkerchief in close proximity at all times when you are working.

Throwing
We don’t mind sitting next to your work desk, in fact, we enjoy the social interaction, but please don’t throw us when we are accidentally seen by your computer camera during a video conference call. Everyone has a Teddy Bear, so relax, it’s OK for us to be seen, and we promise not to say anything that might undermine your professional standing with your colleagues.

So, if you want a happy life whilst working at home, the answer is indeed simple. Just follow these five Cohabitation Code of Bear Conduct rules and you and your Teddy Bear will get along just fine. We might even let you give us a hug, even if you break one of them by mistake, so everyone is a winner!